Best Hazmat Memes - Meme Train

This might seem like A LOT of preamble and fluff before getting to the main event but I think it's sadly necessary because of the state this sub and the broader conversation around this game. It's very toxic, it's very divided, it's very silly. I'm saying all this stuff to establish context and to show you, dear reader, that I am aware of myself and not pretending to objectivity. This is not a hate post. It's a post-mortem on my personal thoughts and issues with the game. You don't have to read it.
Anyway. There will be spoilers.
The Deets
I played the game on PC with I'd say mid-tier hardware. A ryzen 3600, a GTX 970, an SSD, and a non-4k monitor. I used a controller to play the game. The good news (for me) is that I didn't have many serious bugs of the kind you'd see in crowbcat's video, for example. I can leave most of that stuff out since it's both been exhaustively covered and is the stuff most likely to be fixed as CDPR try to recover or obscure the hit their reputation has taken.
I sympathize a lot with you console players who did endure some of these bugs and issues. I find the trolling of you guys embarrassing for all of us. Just because you bought a game they said would work, on hardware they said it would work on, does not mean you're somehow at fault for what you got. Other people made decisions you could not control and being disappointed about it isn't a failing. It'd be like blaming people for getting cold food because of where they sat in a restaurant. It's asinine and we should all ignore people who think and talk that way.
I wanted to get this out before 1.1 drops since none of us know how much of this is likely to change and I want this here as a record of where the game was at before whatever happens next. I do this because there is already a natural movement toward revising the narrative around C77 to one of "bad bugs, bad launch, good game, good CDPR" and I think the situation is far more complex and troubling than that. When you see melodramatic demonstrations of loyalty in this subreddit, you KNOW the situation is more complex than that. It's complex because there's a lot to say about this game, it's a major moment in gaming not least of which because it's the biggest and highest profile instance in a series of overhyped AAA release disasters. Only a handful of which ever recover more than a small but ardent fanbase of players. I expect C77 is going to stay relevant and stay widely played. I expect that in a year, with the game patched to a better state, people are going to re-evaluate it and see more of what the game does well. This is a normal part of the process and people trying to rush you through it are doing you both a disservice. Later will be the time to reassess C77 and write about how much the game has improved and how much faith in CDPR that restores for you. For now, it's the time to criticize, hold feet to fires, and try to at least protest the practices that led to this mess. And since others are doing that, I'll record a list of things I think the game does poorly which are not a matter of hype or bugs. I mean, I'm not setting out to create or reflect meme fodder here. I'm not even trying to be especially snarky.
The above said, I'll be pleased but not satisfied if many of my issues are addressed in 1.1 or 1.2 or whatever. I think it's a shame that C77 released this way even if they do manage to fix a lot or most of it later. Respect that because I'm not someone who's gonna be convinced that companies get a pass to treat gamers like outsourced QA.
This article or essay or list or whatever is subjective. It's personal. It's about what I think. It is not about me telling YOU what to think so you're free to disagree (in good faith) or plain not read it. I don't, and I can't stress this enough, care about objectivity or telling people what to think. If this helps anyone, cool, but I'm writing it for me. I'm expressing my view on a public forum. That's all, nothing more and nothing less. If you don't like what I have to say, be respectful about it and I'll engage you in discussion if that's what you want.
Some of the below will seem like nitpicks or stuff that's likely to be fixed. And that's okay. I'm not living or dying on any of the opinions expressed here and I didn't much distinguish between which issues on this list are nitpicks and which are things that really bothered me a lot. The difference is only a matter of degree and that difference is subjective. It'll depend on how YOU want to see it. What I think matters here is that even if you avoided a problem, didn't see a bug, or played such a way that certain mechanics weren't an issue for you, it doesn't mean any of these issues aren't in the game. That logic seems imply that we should all be playing a certain way or is just that classic gamer deflection of "it didn't happen to me, so where's the issue?".
Not here for that shit.
I accept that C77 is more like The Witcher series than anyone probably expected. Especially people who are new to CDPR's games. I have a lot of the same criticisms for that series and I'm not alone. Never was a CDPR fanboy but like many, I respected them before this. The honest truth as I see it is that C77 carries over many of the same design flaws that were present in their earlier games. CDPR have always been pretty bad at combat balance, itemization, UI/menus, etc. They sometimes fix some of this, but they often don't. There seems to be a bit of a (in design terms) conservative or traditionalist CRPG streak in their design team, is my theory. But C77 is not a CRPG any more than the Witcher games were. So I think these are mistakes. I didn't have overinflated expectations about this game and you won't hear me use the word "promise" except right now. I don't believe in the idea that marketing equates to "promises" and I don't feel personally put out when marketing claims aren't met in reality. I've been playing video games for decades and this is normal bullshit everybody hates then forgets. Marketing is out of control in general and if I have issues with this element of C77's release, it goes way beyond CDPR itself. Not that they get a pass. CDPR notoriously spent more on marketing than the game and it sure as shit shows.
That all said, I am totally interested in replies that (respectfully) correct me on any of these points. I may have missed things! I also get it if you're reading this hoping to see me mention a specific thing and I didn't, feel free to sound off. There's a lot of stuff I didn't really cover because it's been covered elsewhere plenty or I didn't care about it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about it, either. I bet whatever you like or dislike about this game is perfectly valid for you. This is also why the "things I like" list is relatively short, because right now I care more about the stuff that "doesn't work" which isn't a result of expectations or obvious bugs. Other people can complain from those positions if they want.
To me, this is what I have to say right now but I reserve the right to change my mind. Hell, I might even be talked into a more negative outlook on the game rather than more positive. Who knows.

TL;DR Your Fucking Essay:
COOL. Did you post to tell me that though? C'mon. Don't be surprised if you're confused about the content, then. Mostly it's just me writing an introduction of sorts, like any good essayist would. Though the below isn't formatted like an essay, it's pretty much a deconstructed essay and should be read that way if I at all know what I'm doing (Narrator: he doesn't).
This is only this long because I've been jotting these down since I started playing. After 100+ hours, would you expect a weekend grocery list?

The Biz: The Buggy, The Bad, The Baffling
If you made it this far, buckle up. Things about to get specific. The following is broken down by broad category of gameplay. These are my subjective categories and they might be messy and overlap sometimes. Not gonna debate about this since the only purpose of these categories is this piece. If you can't get your head around that, oh well.

We'll start with CRAFTING, ITEMS and GEAR because it's the stuff I think they fucked up that most affected my enjoyment of the base game mechanics:

• Legendary Gear seems designed to promote save scumming. Slots are randomized and critical for item progression and keeping gear relevant as the game RNGs you junk.
• Armadillo mechanics are a great example of this. The reliance on this modification and its scaling seems bizarre and unintended as it trivializes most gear. If this is intentional, it's an eccentric mechanic that seems stuck in there at the last minute as a patch on item progression issues.
• The above mechanics are responsible for a lot of the complaints people had early on about feeling forced to use patchwork gear with aesthetics they didn't like for mechanical reasons. How relevant this actually is in the game is immaterial because the game leads you to believe Armor stat is relevant.
• Incomplete, random, and arbitrary craftable clothing list. Same for loot tables, vendor stock, and availability of clothing/armor in general. Lots of repetitive hand-placed gear that is bizarre and useless. How many Arasaka Hazmat Suits did YOU pick up in your run?
• Items show up on HUD/scan as lootable but aren't. The terrain, clipping, and physics problems cause some of this (enemy drops getting trapped in debris). Some of these are placed like lootable junk, you can see that it's a pack of cards or w/e, and it shows up on scan, but you still can't pick it up. Probably buggy, but most of this doesn't even need to be in the game in the first place...
• ...because who even likes "junk" systems in games? I dunno why CDPR insists on this, the Witcher games had it too. If there wasn't so much other loot, I could see the crafting argument, but the junk you do find is baffling. Staplers? It all seems like an afterthought.
• Overabundance of consumables, particularly healing items, makes healing tedious and almost meaningless. You can buy and craft the best healing items very early with extremely cheap prices and recipes. Maybe unintended. Baffling anyway.
• Buffing is limited to a handful of non-scaling, core stat buffs that are extremely powerful throughout the game and make things like carrying capacity redundant and meaningless. Again, you can craft most of these.
• I think the above is the result of "drugs" being cut out of the game for whatever reason, as it seems clear from their marketing that this was one of their planned ways for buffs. This seemed like a good idea, one of the elements I think most people can agree works well in Bethesda's Fallout series, but it's gone. Drugstores and street dealers sell supplements and medicine.
• Buffing in C77 didn't have to be as intricate and fiddly as in the Witcher games, but this implementation really makes me nostalgic for the immersion and variety of options in TW3 and the previous games.
• Skill Shards do not appear consistently across the game. I am not sure what mechanic determines which gigs and NCPD stuff drop these as rewards but I never saw any until the second half of my run, when I was doing more content in the "lower" districts of NC. Maybe this is just my bad luck. Maybe not.
• Armor and damage values of many items, especially quest rewards, are not leveled so it's luck of the draw based on what order you do things in. Which is arbitrary in a game this dynamic. Johnny's Gun is a great example as most people will get this late in the game and its stats will be too disappointing for most to use.
• Many of the Gear mods don't work or don't work as intended. This includes most or possibly all of the "Legendary" mods with hidden stat limits on things like crit chance and crit damage. Someday, someone might work out the mechanics behind all this but right now it's mostly meaningless numbers and head-scratching UI discrepancies. More on that later.
• A lot of weapons and armor (individual pieces and broader categories) are vanishingly rare, potentially because of RNG or, again, the path a given player takes through the game. I don't think this is intended in most cases.
• It's so weird that there's only one LMG in the game and that it has a barrel slot that does nothing.
• Backpacker mod is useful only in the early parts of the game where you may not have the Capacity buff (50% increase every time is optimal to other methods).
• The mods you can craft and at what tier make no sense. Mods don't follow the tier rules of other equipment types and there's no distinction made in game. This kind of info is left to player discovery but represents weird implementation, not clever design.
• No mass-crafting means CDPR expects you to just hold down that button/key over and over and for fun, there's also a progress bar. I imagine they thought it would keep players from accidentally crafting the wrong thing. There are simply better ways to do this.
• Recipe requirements for upgrades and SOME crafting are nonsensical, wildly imbalanced, random, and arbitrary. Why is Johnny's gear so much more expensive than others? It's only the best gear if you get lucky with slots or force it by reloading or spending A LOT of resources on recrafting from the earlier tier that the game for some reason forces you to carry. Probably so you could recraft it as you progress in the game. The reason this is baffling is because iconic weapons don't work the same way. Why have a separate system just for Johnny's gear?
• Speaking of which, why are some Iconics craftable and others not? These mechanics being inconsistent and poorly explained is the reason a lot of people accidentally disassemble iconics, thinking they can recraft at a higher tier later. The game only lets you do that for some items and either you have the recipe or it's Johnny's Gear or River's Gun (Crash). There may be other gear affected by this but I'd love to hear a reason behind why x gear works one way and y gear works another way. I can't see there being a good one.
• Several crafting perks are useless or cause more problems than they are worth. Auto-dissassembing of "junk" also gets rid of valuable sellable junk (the very little that's in the game). Up-cycling materials is weirdly implemented as well, almost like we're missing a perk for the Upgrade portion. With components being available in bulk in most stores and the up-cycle costs being too expensive (people have done math on this one) and unrewarding, this perk is a waste.

Now for the MENUS, UI, and BASIC MECHANICS:

• Incorrect stats in various UI windows. Eg: Weapons will report random DPS changes in UI. It's unclear how much this is being affected by perks, but you can slide over the same weapon in the crafting menu and it'll change stats. Crafting it with different numbers seems to actually change the outcome stats SOME of the time. Again, figuring this out is left to player discovery rather than explained in game. That's bad.
• Many tooltips are incorrect. Some are clearly from a previous version of the game and were never rewritten or updated. The clearest example of this is in cyberware, particularly the "arm" upgrades.
• A LOT of perks don't work. A lot of em. Not just the crafting ones. There are lists on this sub and elsewhere.
• Numbers in the game are misleading, unresponsive to perks or mods, or flat out incorrect. Resistances, crit stats, etc are either misunderstood or just buggy/unfinished/poorly thought out. Again. Unclear.
• Endless list of shards separated by tabs but with no other sorting and a Menu system that can't decide whether to remember your place or not each time you go in the menu. In my run, I had two blank tabs, several blank shards, etc by the end. I didn't read a lot of these because it was a pain in the ass to go through them.
• The "hold" button mechanic and mouse-like floating cursor suck and have always sucked. For controllers. This'll be one of the things others will consider a nitpick or just flat disagree with and you know what? I'm okay with that. I hate this shit and if I'm honest, I suspect no one actually prefers it, they just tolerate it in otherwise good games.
• Odd item behavior in menu like items failing to disassemble, Johnny Gear (and River's Gun for some reason) duplicating, etc. Could be a bug but I have a theory above on what they could have been going for if this is intentional.
• Many perks are redundant with cyberware and this can be difficult to spot. Tooltips can be misleading because the same ability might be worded differently from menu to menu. Some handgun perks are especially good examples of this.
• All of the inventory management UI is subpar. Difficult to work with, follows design principles of games like Destiny which aren't well suited here, etc. For example, why is the crafting menu a huge unsortable list of item icons in a block configuration? The game doesn't use space for encumbrance like a Resident Evil game. It uses weight. Why implement the representation this way?
• Item tabs are nice to see but they feel like they were afterthoughts. The game remembers which tab you're using inconsistently and stuff like DPS has its own tab, even for armor. My own google docs are better indexed than this.
• Many items don't belong to any particular tab and are only visible if you look at ALL items, which again is a mess to look at. Some items are blanks or duplicates or have no actual in-game effect with no indicators either way.
• Some scannable things in environments retain the "yellow" scanning icon for no discernible reason, or are already grayed out before you look. Why is Joss Ward scannable every time I see her? This is probably a bug but I found the scanning mechanics, outside of combat situations, to be unevenly implemented and often feeling like afterthoughts.
• The minimap is mostly bad. I didn't hate it as much as some but I agree with the criticisms. It's another feature that feels like an afterthought or like someone wrote the code for it 10 years ago and hasn't played a single open world game since.
• Vehicles appear as full fledged side missions for no reason. They clutter up the map and in game language, are displayed as urgent objectives. The psychology behind this is intentional -- developers and UI designers use bright colors and symbols like exclamation points to draw a player's attention. Anyone can ignore this, but the intent is clear. Question then is... why?
• Variety of shops, bars, etc isn't really bad, but that they are unnamed adds a sense that they are all generic points of interest. The bars especially have a lot of personality but it's easy to lose track of which one is where. If they can have names pop up over quests, they could have had names pop up over other locations. Why make it harder for players to find specific things they are looking for?
• Police System is notoriously bad and undercooked. A tacked on afterthought or a buggy mess. Either way, no fun for anyone.
• Why is there a blank Attribute category? And don't say DLC because the question is really, why is it there and unexplained? The DLC explanation is make believe for now, no one really knows. That I know of.
• What do the three progression meters at the top of the menu even mean? It seems like it's based on what priorities you have as aggregate of all the choices you make? We're supposed to just figure it out?
• Stashes are not shared except for in vehicles. This makes the few additional "quarters" V gets useless. Can't sleep in 'em either so why are they in the game? Bug?

There isn't much I can add to the issues already well established with CONTROLS and DRIVING, so it's a short list:

• Pace of driving is bizarrely slow especially with how fast most vehicles accelerate.
• Brakes are bad and it's difficult to stop suddenly (in most vehicles) -- which leads to accidents which leads to NPC deaths which leads to dealing with the bad cop mechanics
• Bikes show stashes but not one I used actually had a stash. It's just broken.
• The driving AI and road mechanics are notoriously bad.
• Button remapping is limited or nonexistent (especially on controller)
• No alternate layouts.
• The default control layout is a mess. Everyone hates the crouch/dodge bit and in general, the functionality of the "B" or "O" button is a mess.

I have a bit less to say about COMBAT than other fields, even though it is one of the primary pillars of the gameplay. This is because I mostly liked the combat, or at least didn't think it was much worse than many other Open World games. Still, there were some things that stood out to me:

• Enemy AI is notoriously bad. Get behind their cover and see.
• Most combat scenarios are shooting galleries. You have almost full control over entering and exiting combat (enemies won't even chase you most of the time).
• Netrunning trivializes stealth and vice versa. They seem set up to synergize well, but the combo is both seductive (it's cool, dammit) and destabilizing to the thin veneer of balance the game already has. Bad balancing in a game like this is hard to avoid, but with the perks system being broken the way it is... there's a lot to fix here. Lots of people have pointed this out but for some, this kind of thing is fun and I don't wanna take that from anyone. Tricky one.
• Grenades are mostly useless (maaaybe depending on build) because of their physics. It is difficult to use them "tactically" though I feel like they represent some interesting utility. Homing grenades don't seem to work right, but other types do. It's just hard to throw them to the right place, the game seems to be pretty finnicky about the spread and I've hit enemies on the face with grenades that did no damage to them (and they didn't have resistances to em soooo). The "quick throw" with just a light press of the button seems to work better than aiming your throw in my experience. It should be... the opposite?

This next part is really hard to pin down. Questions of IMMERSION, FLOW, and PACING are even more subjective than other categories of the list.

• Quests with downtime between phases are nearly all set at 12 or 24 hrs. Kerry Eurodyne's quests were the one exception where it felt like I needed to wait a reasonable amount of time between phases. In other cases, it's way too fast and discourages freeplay. It suggested to me that I should stick to questlines until completion, and sometimes this feels narratively appropriate, but I wish they stretched these out or let us approach the quest-givers ourselves like in most Open World games. Even the ones with phones usually work this way for a reason.
• The phone system here is a mess in terms of pacing and flow. Fixers and story characters call on top of each other because of conditions that trigger the calls. Everyone has missed dialogue in the game because of this stuff. This can even cause a bad bug that breaks phone calls and rewards from fixers (I know how to fix this at least).
• Fixer texts about missions are overwritten and all sound like they are mostly written by the same person in the same voice. It's a weird choice to even offer this very redundant information after the phone call sections, which are arguably more immersive anyway.
• Fixer calls tumbling over each other in the early and mid-game add a Preston Garvey feel of being badgered by the game. No one likes this.
• Texts for cars can occur basically all at once after you get your first call from a fixer. This is dependent on what order you play the game in and how early or often you branch out to new districts so YMMV.
• The relic malfunctions were a bad idea and occur so frequently it feels like the game is trolling me. I half-expected to find out that Johnny was doing it to test your defenses or by accident. Nah, it's just one of those annoying "forced immersion" things that wastes your time, reminds you that eating noodles and buying clothes makes no sense when you're about to die (for in-game weeks and months, but I digress). These malfunctions are completely unnecessary outside the handful of scripted moments where they feel appropriate. The ludonarrative dissonance here is jarring and would have been easy to fix.
• The game's progression is a bit messed up thanks to the Street Cred system, which might be my least favorite novel mechanic in the game. It's responsible for many of the knock-on effects described above and elsewhere. If you level up this stat fast, which you almost certainly will, it contributes to almost all the pacing issues in the game. More open gigs means more calls from fixers as you wander around. I had 20+ Street Cred by the time I left Watson and I couldn't get 3 steps down the street without calls and texts. Choosing not to do these jobs right away meant forgetting the context hours later when I returned to them. I am sure I'm not the only one who felt overwhelmed by this.
• Game, in general, doesn't have enough progression to fit its massive amount of content. If you do the side stuff, you're going to hit max SC fast. You're going to run through the gear progression fast (without crafting), etc. You can choose to avoid side stuff, sure, but it's still in the game the way it is.
• General debris and junk on the ground is a waste of resources outside of aesthetic clutter which is often buggy (floating in the air and shit) anyway. See: the whole junkyard area.
• Characters are often missing items they are holding or using. Misty's Tarot Cards only showed up during a reading in the final scene. NPCs have guns, food, and cigarettes disappear or float in the air. Almost every time I had a Johnny Smoking bit, his cigarette would stay in the air while he zapped around. Probably a bug. Still really annoying.
• The game has notoriously thin customization options for an Open World RPG (it is an RPG, part of a subgenre that used to be called "Action RPG" but now everyone thinks RPG means whatever they want it to, smh). The appearance options are limited in ways that are arbitrary and uneven. Why have two digits worth of options for ears and almost none for other categories? Why show us a plethora of interesting cybernetics but allow us to have none of it? We hardly even see a change in V based on the cyberware we CAN install. Devs also still can't seem to get hair to clip with heads in a realistic way (where the hair doesn't float off the head) yet manage to get everything else on your avatar to clip in the bad way. Never ceases to amaze me.

The NARRATIVE and story elements are the strongest part of this game, no surprise with CDPR. I don't agree with people who say the story is bad, but there are certainly issues:

• Text convos present texts in the wrong order in many cases and don't always alert for every new text. They also typically come all at once even before you respond. You should have more control over this, or the game should have had a slower-paced, more realistic flow for this. Probably a bug in some cases, but in general the button controls and UI for texts don't feel great either. Try finding them in the menu.
• Shards are mostly not worth reading and there are way too many. They provide shallow context for shallow in-game activities. They are cheesy, over the top, and written in the NC street vernacular that falls flat without good voice actors to sell it. I'm sure there are hidden gems, even found a few, but overall I think it's baffling.
• A lot of dialogue is choppy and disjointed because characters will gormlessly repeat back info or questions that the other character just finished saying -- screams that there was lackluster quality control for this and VOs recorded lines in a vacuum with flow being arranged in the edit, and often not very well. Lots of scenes where the inflection and volume changes are inappropriate and weird. V growling one line and then the next he's yelling cheerfully. It doesn't happen all the time, but it's noticeable. Probably unavoidable in a game like this but can be improved on.
• The core relationship with Johnny is inconsistent and oddly paced. You'll be friends one minute and enemies the next and the game doesn't respond well to previous choices you've made which reflect your attitude toward Johnny and his role in the story. Some of this is down to "order of play" but there are cases like the Johnny-focused missions that have to be done right before the end of the game. Your relationship with Johnny can veer wildly and inorganically from scene to scene in what is a largely linear quest chain with predictable patterns.
• There are occasional broken triggers and NPC locations, for example my Judy was still in her apartment while she was texting me pics from Oregon and so on (she left the city in my run) -- probably a bug but par for course, right?
• The game treats sex like a reward and personally, I'm tired of seeing that. It corresponds too much with naive and ignorant attitudes about sex in real life and caters specifically to young (and underage, ffs) players who don't have a mature perspective on sex or relationships. That the relationships in this game are so well done, only to lead to a perfunctory "final reward" sex scene adds a level of gamification to sex that I could forgive on its own if C77's whole approach to sexual content wasn't so warped, backward and forward, and poorly conceived/designed to be faux-edgy, inconsistent, and patronizing to pretty much everyone. The game treats its extreme violence more responsibly than it treats sex. It treats drinking a beer in a cutscene with more sensitivity. This subject is complex, though, and probably deserves its own lengthy post. I'll spare you guys for now.

TL;DR Your Fucking List:
I did say it was exhaustive.

You made it this far (or skipped here) and since before was the tea, here's the cookie:
I liked a lot about C77. I have played through it only the one time, but I did play through all the lifepath intros. I went with Street Kid in the end. I think C77 has a good game lost somewhere under the poor decisions, bad bugs, and incomplete features. I think, in the end, that C77 will be a game I enjoy more as I became more aware of these flaws and their place in the game. I think that's often the case for most flawed games: you stick with it and you learn to live with the problems. C77 is like that. The people claiming it's a perfect game are just signaling brand loyalty or lying through their teeth. This doesn't at all mean that people don't or can't like the game. Of course they can! We all like flawed stuff. It's only recently that trolls have made it all about such extreme loyalty and fan tribalism that they feel like they are personally attacked when something they liked is criticized. Criticism is not an attack, it's an evaluation. All things are worthy of criticism if they're worthy of attention at all.

Anyway. Here are things I liked about the game, mostly small things I thought went largely overlooked, in no certain order:

• I liked the V graffiti that shows up in some districts. I wasn't sure if this was showing up more as I played or is just random or pre-placed. I liked the idea that V was getting known and chose to see it that way. Immersion is more than half what you make up in your own head, after all.
• I liked that players always had a choice to drink or not drink, except in some Johnny scenes. I thought this was a nice touch for people who want to play sober Vs. Why not?
• Sometimes NPCs will respond to V in a way that gives players something they always ask for in games like this: a certain amount of responsiveness to who the character is throughout. They did a good job with this in the Witcher games as well.
• I thought the vast majority of the beefier missions were well-written, well-conceived, and obviously given a lot of attention and love. They obviously worked hard on these and they must have been in the game from an early state.
• I loved that many of the missions were just hangouts and dialogue scenes to deepen relationships between V and other characters. Again, this is something CDPR are great at. It's all here in C77 in spite of the issues.
• I liked the side chatter you could have with vendors, even though a lot of is out of place and disjointed. Asking about the good drugs a medicine vendor has only to find... supplements. Still, this is a nice little touch.
• I like the variance of NPCs on the street and how many of them deliver information via their appearance, where in the city they are, etc. They can tell a story if you can get over the duplicating, weird pathing/movement routes, and bad AI. A lot of them also have funny, antagonistic shit to say when you talk to them. It does get old, but I'm glad it's there.
• Like in some of the better Open World games, there are a ton of ambient conversations V can overhear and many of these are well-written and occasionally even touching -- if they don't bug out.
• I'm not sure I'll like all the endings, but I really like that they are each their own ending SEQUENCE. This is better than other games that offer a static ending choice, some cutscenes, and then credits. C77 offers an hour or more of gameplay for each of 4-5 ending sequences. I only played Panam's so far.
• The romantic relationships in the game are as well done as the friendships. They are well written, believable, and sidestep some of the problems in relationships like this in games by allowing you to spend some downtime, not making it too obviously easy to game the result you want, and so on. The Panam sex scene weirded me out, but I appreciate that each sex scene in the game has its own gimmicks and aren't as generic as ones you see in other games.
• The FRIENDSHIPS THOUGH. I thought this game did an excellent job with giving the player a lot of side characters you could form attachments to. Even the fixers all have distinct personalities (if you ignore their texts) and different attitudes toward V. The ones that come into play in the endgame are also a nice surprise. I didn't get any calls from them during the credits, but I wish I had because characters like Regina, Padre, Okada, and Dakota all made an impact on me.
• The Nomads earned my preference for their ending. It was not an arbitrary or "gamed" choice. I thought that the Rogue path made more sense for my V in some ways, but I couldn't forget the Nomads and particularly Panam (even if I hadn't romanced her, I think she'd be hard to turn your back on). So I went with them and I'm glad I did, it was a satisfying ending (and I hear the best one). I'm probably gonna save all the other endings for other playthroughs or future experiments because I thought this ending made my V feel complete for now.
• Cyberpunk is my favorite genre of fiction for a lot of reasons. I grew up reading William Gibson and I was an early adopter of new technology. I stayed a technological optimist for most of my 20s and have become more pessimistic and cynical since. I have watched Cyberpunk become more or less real, killing the genre for years before our current "ironic cyberpunk" phase. Outside of the themes and philosophical shit, I love the aesthtic of classic 80s Cyberpunk which C77 delivers in spades. The single greatest achievement in this game is its aesthetics. From the city design to the clothes and weapon skins, a lot of love went into at least how things LOOK. That's not the only thing that matters, but it's not nothing.

PHEW. THAT WAS A LOT.
If you read all that, thanks. Even if you hated every second of it, you're still my hero. I feel seen. The tears and the hate that'll no doubt come streaming down atop me if this post gets attention will be worth it if even one person read all this and was like "yeah, I get some of that".
See ya, Night City.

Rules Of Time Machine Operation:
​
1\. No booty calls on famous historical figures.
2\. No visiting the red light district of Paris in the early 19th century and asking around for Fantime, who is a fictional character might I add.
3\. No getting famous historical figures blackout drunk and leaving them extremely confused in the morning when they wake up in their bed, on someone else's roof, wearing nothing but a floral print muumuu and a thong, surrounded by a stolen department store mannequin, a bajillion potatoes, and 600 pounds of those little rubber erasers that come on the tops of pencils.
4\. No setting "Amazing Grace" to a snappy disco beat.
4a\. Or the US national anthem.
4b\. Or anyone else's national anthem.
5\. No trolling random paranoiacs.
6\. No scaring the shit out of James Cameron by suddenly appearing in front of him in full Terminator cosplay before the movie is even released.
7\. No pantsing Adolf Hitler, no matter how much he deserves it.
7a\. No pantsing Joseph Stalin, either. Unless you have a death wish.
7b\. No pantsing Rasputin. Now that you've seen what he's packing, the feelings of inadequacy should be sufficient punishment.
7c\. NO PANTSING HISTORICAL FIGURES, PERIOD
7d\. Or recent ones. I don't care HOW much Bill Clinton was willing to pay, and frankly I don't want to know.
8\. No giving Napoleon a 1980s sports almanac. (I mean, it's not like he'd be able to use it.)
9\. No crashing Jesus' crucifixion to sell merch.
10\. No appearing in the background of every famous photograph in the Louvre and/or the Smithsonian. Especially not while dabbing.
11\. No interfering with the production of Back To The Future. Especially not so that Doc Brown gets a time-traveling Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. I don't care HOW much money you would have made in product placement.
12\. No giving free abortions to the mothers of people you hate.
13\. No giving young Donald Trump a sports almanac. Alternate Hill Valley was bad. Scaling it up to America size is worse.
14\. No giving Stanislav Petrov laxative on 26 September 1983.
14a\. No getting Stanislav Petrov extremely drunk on 25 September 1983.
14b\. STOP SCREWING WITH STANISLAV PETROV ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE
15\. No putting joy buzzers in Nikola Tesla's shoes. Even if he reverse-engineered them and advanced the study of electrical engineering by several decades.
16\. No writing Walter Cronkite a rambling 148-character letter accusing him of liberal bias.
17\. As tempting as it is, no giving Donald Trump's mother an abortion. We do NOT want to repeat the Emperor Gorsuch incident.
18\. No writing Stonewall Jackson a letter composed of the word "Bitch" written once at the top of the page. While his face was hilarious, him killing half his administration in a series of duels was not.
19\. No trolling your past self by telling lies about the future.
20\. No using Tesla coils to impersonate Greek or Norse gods. Especially not in front of ancient Greeks or Vikings.
21\. No trolling drunken turn-of-the-20th-century PIs by bringing them to flying cities in alternate timelines.
22\. No trolling people in ugly sweaters by bringing them to Atlantis.
23\. 1000 tons of cordite + Library of Alexandria = Bad idea.
24\. No impersonating an interior designer solely to change Napoleon's fate. (He didn't even die from that, you fool, he died from stomach cancer.)
25\. No giving FDR a mech suit, as awesome as it would be.
26\. No making "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Al Smith" bumper stickers.
27\. Wall Street is off limits. As is Vegas, Reno, Monte Carlo, and sports betting venues.
28\. No convincing Steve Jobs to put a rotary dial on the IPhone, even if it WOULD be "one simple control".
29\. No giving Isaac Newton copies of Einstein's theories. The 20th century is too early for space empires. (No matter how delicious the spices from Alpha Centauri are. We're looking at you, Fred. Seek help.)
30\. No misusing hazmat equipment and personal music players to troll Asimov, Henlein, or any other science fiction writers.
31\. CREATION OF AI-EQUIPPED BOWLER HATS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. ANY SUCH ITEMS ARE TO BE DESTROYED ON SIGHT.
32\. No, you may not have a pet T. Rex. They're extremely large and exclusively carnivorous, so what makes you think that'd be a good idea in the slightest?
32a\. However, it turns out velociraptors (the tiny feathered kind), when raised from an egg, make awesome pets, being loyal, obedient, and sweet.
32b\. Never mind, they swarmed Janet's boyfriend and killed him when he hit her. Serves him right, but this behavior is shared by wolves raised in captivity, and velociraptors are clearly not pet material any more than timber wolves are. A long-term breeding program is underway to resolve this issue.
33\. Collecting samples of extinct plants for scientific study is great. Office plants, OK. Trolling paleobotanist friends, not so much.
34\. To the person who sent the baby raptors to Chris Pratt: You're lucky that Universal Studios has leaped on them as their new PR stars. You're doubly lucky that it was love at first sight between them and Raptor Lord. As such, we will let you keep your job. But in light of 32b, if they kill anyone, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law and we will cooperate with the investigators.
35\. No spiking Richard Nixon's drinks with shrooms, LSD, THC, AIDS, H1N1, hydrochloric acid, or COVID-19. Or sodium pentothal, no matter how educational it would be.
36\. No scandalizing Queen Victoria. ESPECIALLY not by streaking through the Buckingham Palace gardens.
36a\. Or Queen Elizabeth I, unless you WANT your head chopped off. And not necessarily the one on your shoulders, either.
37\. No showing dubstep music to Father Coghlin. Even if he likes it.
38\. No traumatizing H.P. Lovecraft with hentai. Especially not if it's fanart of his works.
39\. No prematurely inventing hentai.
40\. No showing hentai to Father Coghlin. While him flying off the chain was funny, the anti-Japanese-American lynch mobs he incited were not. The person responsible no longer works here, and is serving time in prison.
41\. No slipping sodium pentothal to any member of the Borgia family.
42\. No slipping the production staff of Raiders Of The Lost Ark drugs and convincing them to have Indy use a towel instead of a bullwhip.
43\. No convincing Gavro Princip, Richard Nixon, or Keemstar to do something different with their life. (Especially not Keemstar, who's a dictator in many other timelines.)
44\. President Jeffery Dahmer = bad idea.
45\. No giving King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden coke-bottle glasses, even if he needs them. It kind of ruins the effect in paintings.
46\. No giving King Arthur and his knights Harleys.
47\. No giving the biblical David a motorcycle with the muffler removed, even it means that his Triumph would be heard throughout the land.
48\. No appearing in history books. Especially not as the guy in the Carmen Miranda hat T-posing in the background of the famous "V-J Day In Times Square" photo, just behind and to the left of the kissing couple.
49\. No making David Bowie a Roman Emperor and calling him Fablius. Even if he lived up to his name.
50\. No impersonating the court jester in medieval times, before going full Heath Ledger Joker. Nobody has tried this yet, but we want to put it out there anyway.
51\. No streaking at the Somme. Running around naked IN ACTIVE WARZONES tends to be a bad idea.
52\. No doing your best Lucky Luciano impression in the background of the "Abbey Road" cover.
53\. No streaking in the background of the "Abbey Road" cover.
54\. No switching President Theodore Roosevelt's speech commemorating the construction of the Panama Canal with Franklin Delano Roosevelt's "This Day Will Live In Infamy" speech, then plastering his confused face all over every newspaper's front page.
55\. No putting T-Rexes in medieval Europe. It screws with the art historians.
56\. Putting a sloth, a wooly mammoth, and a saber-tooth tiger together in one room was a horrible idea and I'm not sure why you thought it'd be any different. But we're all glad you forgot about the baby.
57\. When Jesus told John The Baptist to send a scroll to Philadelphia (Revelations 1:11), he was talking about the ancient city in the Aegean Sea. Not the modern city in Pennsylvania.
58\. As awesome as the show was, and as touching as it was when they first met, Bill Nye The Science Guy and Mr. Wizard hosting a show together almost broke space-time. Let's not destroy the universe.
59\. No making Undertale or Deltarune classic Nintendo games. I don't care how much you want Sans to be in Smash.
60\. No more bringing teenage versions of famous sci-fi icons like George Takei and Gene Roddenberry to Comic-Con. They were traumatized by the mob of people all trying to touch them.
61\. No selling SOE, OSS, Abe Lincoln's Secret Service, or any other historical spy agencies information you got from a history book.
62\. No using the time machine to alter the course of WWII, WWI, the American Civil War, the English Civil War, the American Revolutionary War, The Thirty Years War, The War Of The Roses, The Hellenic War, The Punic Wars, or any other war. Looking at you, Harry.
63\. No introducing John The Baptist to LSD or any modern hallucinogenic drugs. Even if he offers you sainthood in exchange.
64\. No introducing John The Baptist to cocaine, even if it made him write Revelations in under 2 hours with no change in the content.
65\. No selling anachronistic weaponry. This goes hand in hand with 62. Again, looking at you, Harry.
66\. Stop telling people we travel through time by building de facto speed for 12 hours. That meme is dead and forgotten.
67\. No, the time machine doesn't back up your Mac files. Stop asking.
68\. The Morlocks are fictional and you should stop telling people they aren't.
69\. NO USING THE TIME MACHINE FOR ORGIES. STOP IT CHAD.
70\. As awesome as Bela Luigosi is, he is not the only person who can play Dracula. So stop trying to use the time machine to get him to play Dracula in EVERY movie, radio drama/podcast, and theatrical production since the 1930s.
71\. Don't give radio to the Romans. Or any other historical empire, for that matter.
72\. No rigging up 30 ox carts with speakers and blasting Abba during the Battle of Waterloo. Seriously, you had the smallest machine, so how did you even fit all that?
73\. No making the '73 fuel crisis last for a whole decade, even if it led to the widespread use of electric cars 60 years early.
74\. No using the time machine solely to make fun of bad Marty McFly halloween costumes.
75\. No inventing nitrogen-based fertilizer decades early to avert the Dust Bowl SOLELY to stop you from having to write a book report on Grapes Of Wrath in 6th grade.
76\. No giving George Washington's troops AR-15s. I don't care how awesome it would be.
77\. Ronald Reagan's Star Wars program was a failure for a reason. Let's keep it that way.
78\. You are not the Doctor. Stop telling people otherwise.
78a\. That is a flashlight with a green shard of beer-bottle glass glued on, not a sonic screwdriver.
79\. You aren't the Meddling Monk or the Rani either. And you certainly aren't the Master.
80\. You remember that scene in Time Bandits when the main characters got Napoleon pass-out drunk and robbed him blind? OFF. LIMITS.
81\. Tempting as it is, no killing, aborting, or otherwise preventing the rise to power of history's dictators. Why? Because there's always someone just as evil and twice as competent waiting in the wings. Also, through sheer force of experience, Hitler has become quite good at identifying and killing time travelers.
82\. No, you may not strand your boss in medieval times during the Black Plague. Even if he's an asshole. Just because Michael Crichton did it, doesn't mean you can.
83\. No, you are not trying to stop a mad god from killing half of all life in the galaxy, and it is wrong to tell people in the past otherwise.
84\. No trying to screw with paleontologists by posing dead dinosaurs in dance steps or interspecies coitus. It hasn't worked yet, but better to stop it now than suffer a deluge of angry phone calls.
85\. The G-Man cosplay is high-quality, but super creepy. Please stop.
85a\. The Lutece Twins cosplay is also high-quality, but people are getting frustrated by your lack of non-cryptic answers to any question.
86\. Using future technology to build actual Daleks armed with Nerf guns? Epic. Unleashing them on an unsuspecting 1960s Britain? Not so much.
87\. No trolling the hosts of Candid Cam by doing insane stuff in their presence, causing everyone to look around for the hidden cameras.
88\. No stealing whales from 1980s San Francisco.
89\. In accordance with 7c, no pantsing the Rockefellers. Seriously guys, stop it.
90\. All employees are to pass routine drug tests. Weed is OK under state law. Cocaine toothache drops and original-recipe cocaine Coca-Cola you scored in the 19th century are not. Neither is WWII-era military-issue morphine or heroin. All parties involved are being prosecuted on drug charges, including possession with intent to sell.
91\. No using the time machine to make random people think they're in the Twilight Zone.
92\. No using the time machine to screw with Libyan terrorists. You aren't Doc Brown and likely won't survive their retaliation.
92a\. No using the time machine to screw with the Egyptians either. The Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities does not appreciate the lyrics to the King Tut song written in hieroglyphics on the walls of his tomb.
93\. Using the time machine to avert historical tragedies will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Using the time machine to create new ones is verboten.
94\. No rival time machine rental company is run by Vandal Savage. Stop trying to convince people otherwise. Incidentally? The task force you assembled will need to go back where they came from with their memories of the incident erased. Also, HR and the FBI Counterterrorism Unit would like to have a word.
95\. I will not impersonate an investment banker and convince people at the turn of the 20th century to invest in molasses production in Boston, MA. I will especially not use the phrase "Waves of profit" when selling them on the idea.
96\. JFK conspiracy theories are rubbish, and it shouldn't take time travel to debunk them. It especially shouldn't take time travel and manipulation of events to make them seem more likely. Just stop.
97\. Steampunk cosplayers are to be kept away from the time machines. The last thing we need is for the robber barons to return.
97a\. Jeff Bezos doesn't technically count. But efforts are underway to erase him from time nonetheless.
98\. The time machine is not bigger on the inside, but the chassis is modular and can be swapped out for expanded units should the need arise. So stop it with the infinity mirrors. Seriously, that's not how physics works.
99\. No giving WWII spoilers to veterans of The Great War. Our Temporal Psychiatry department is swamped.
99a\. No making fun of Temporal Psychiatry's acronym.
99b\. No convincing Temporal Psychiatry staff to go into quarantine with you during the COVID-19 epidemic of 2020 and then bragging about how much TP you have.
100\. No using the time machine to try and erase fashion trends from existence. I don't care how much you hate grunge.
101\. I don't care how much they suck, no mocking the Byzantine Empire.
102\. If the time machine's reactor fails, standard procedure is to activate the backup reactor. Trying to use a bolt of lightning to restore power results in catastrophe, and this is to be made perfectly clear to customers. Some dumbass tried it and ended up creating the Tunguska Explosion.
103\. No matter how much the National Science Foundation or the private sector offers to pay you, no gathering history's greatest minds in one place. Although the group photo was epic, the resulting temporal backlash from these people being removed from their proper time almost resulted in the Dark Ages continuing into the 19th century.
104\. Do not gaze into the time vortex. Trust me, just don't.
105\. No more using the time machine to screw with the US Government in the 1950s. You are not a UFO.
106\. Contrary to the McFly school of time travel, future brand names make horrible secret identities. Max Pepsi, Ronald McDonald, Micky D., A.D. Das, and Ford Prefect are not acceptable aliases.
107\. Some times and places are off limits to people of certain races and ethnicities. This is not racism, this is an attempt at preventing our valued employees and clients from getting hurt. Incidentally, 1940s Germany is off limits to everyone, corresponding with the late Henry Cohen's attempt at violating #81.
108\. No giving Napoleon a speedboat while he is in exile.
109\. No trolling Robert McCarthy with the wristband communicators and bad Russian accents.
110\. No starting the American Revolution in Germany 150 years ahead of schedule. You are not Eric Flint.
111\. The time machine is not powered by alien space bats.
111a\. Neither is it powered by a hamster in a wheel.
111b\. Or "Narrativium," whatever that is.
112\. Acquiring trilobites for the lobby aquarium is great. Pranking fellow employees with insectophobia is not.
113\. Preston Tucker was a genius for his time, but has no clue how to design a modern automobile. I will inform General Motors of this the next time they ask.
114\. You will not screw with the production of Bond movies to ensure that James Bond drives a Vauxhall Astra.
115\. I am not Pickle Rick.
116\. You will not go back in time to ensure that time travel never gets invented, even if it would be best for humanity. The resulting paradox would destroy all worlds across all timelines. We made this bed, we lie in it.
117\. You will not replace beloved and/or controversial TV show hosts, no matter how epic having Carrol Shelby co-host Top Gear with Clarkson, May, and Hammond would be.
117a\. You will not use the time machine to have historical figures appear on modern TV shows. Even though watching George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Samuel Adams tongue-lash conservatives on Fox And Friends for 45 minutes straight was hilarious, especially the fact that Sean Hannity looked like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The footage will be kept around for entertainment, but a repeat will cost you your job.
118\. You will not use the time machine to arbitrarily change the universal standards for television broadcasting or cinema. Millions watching the moon landing filmed diagonally on a round screen with a camera suspended on bungee cords almost led to the downfall of television as a medium.
119\. You will not beat the Apollo crew to the moon and ask to borrow a cup of sugar.
120\. The Lovecraft mythos is fictional, and it's wrong to tell customers it isn't.
120a\. Incidentally, the practical effects for the shoggoth were quite realistic, and Hollywood would like to have a word.
121\. You will not make a techno remix of the Doctor saying "Wibbly wobbly timey-wimey ball" and convince the 1960s BBC to make it the official Doctor Who theme.
122\. If customers ask to visit the July Revolution of 1832, at least make sure they have a decent singing voice. The rotten vegetable smell still hasn't come out of Larry's clothes.
123\. No changing the order that numbers go in.
124\. No changing the order of the alphabet, either.
125\. The time machine is not to be rented out to art historians. Their fawning just inflates the Renaissance masters' already massive egos.
126\. You will not alter the course of history solely to prevent telemarketing from being invented.
127\. You will not convince young Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison to go into music and call their band AC-DC. Incidentally, a shredding bass viola solo doesn't quite have the same effect.
128\. You will not attempt to troll Simo Hayha, Mad Jack Churchill, Otto Skorzeny, Audie Murphy, or any other famously badass soldier.
129\. Customers are to be reminded that visiting Stalin's USSR will end with a bullet to their brain, visiting Europe during the Black Death will end with them catching it, and visiting the Aztec Empire will end with their hearts being ripped out on a sacrificial altar with a jagged piece of volcanic glass.
130\. The Spanish Inquisition is not a joke. For future reference: Saying "I bet they didn't expect that" at a coworker's funeral is in poor taste, even if they hadn't died by being captured and tortured.
131\. Customers and employees are to refrain from insulting royalty, unless they're impersonating the court jester. Even if medieval royalty are mostly chill with parody, Cleopatra and Caligula are not.
132\. If stopped by police in Blitz-era Britain asking for papers, bribing them with white bread and bananas will likely not work. Even though that one cop looked about an inch from giving into temptation, they started asking a lot of questions about where you got a whole loaf from and what that clear shiny stuff it was wrapped in was.
133\. Customers are to be reminded that they are NOT Diana Prince, and that walking straight into No Man's Land is a colossally bad idea.
134\. No Rick-Rolling Rick Astley as a child.
135\. Although it was funny watching Winston Churchill swear up a storm about Brexit, Britain asks you not to not do it again.
136\. Never put Ettore Bugatti and Enzo Ferrari in the same room, then ask them whose car was better. And especially don't set up a betting ring on the resulting fistfight.
136a\. The same goes for the Renaissance masters and their art. Assholes.
137\. Torchwood is to remain a fictitious agency.
138\. Customers are not to spoil the surprise about which high-ranking member of the Manhattan Project was a spy. The resulting chain of events almost caused WWIII.
139\. Even though the past is a different country, there is a pressing need to blend in. So lose the Hawaiian shirt, Jeff.
140\. Customers are to be reminded that their sense of entitlement as American tourists will likely get them seriously injured or worse. Don't just stand back and let it happen, and especially don't bring popcorn.
141\. If any of your co-workers are little people, it's impolite to make constant Time Bandits references. Wally over in Temporal Backlash Dispersion is getting really sick of your shit. You know who you are.
141a\. And the same goes for customers who are little people.
142\. Whoever keeps putting giant prehistoric insects in unexpected places, clean out your office. You know who you are and so do we. However, the Arthropleura in the loading docks can stay, due to his apparent non-aggressiveness and because the staff there have named him Arthur and declared him their new mascot.
142a\. Arthur's a "he" already, is he?
142b\. Yes he is, and we love him!
142c\. This isn't a message board, guys.
143\. Live Compsognathus (Compsognathii?) are not for pranks. Poor critter almost froze to death in the fridge and Jennifer almost had a heart attack.
144\. Jack...clean out your office. You know what you did.
145\. Scientists are not to use tissue samples of prehistoric life for trying to create the perfect burger.
145a\. I don't know why anyone thought that mammoth Spam was a good idea, but it is surprisingly tasty and production negotiations with Hormel are currently underway.
146\. You are not John Connor or Kyle Reese, and it's wrong to tell people otherwise.
147\. The time machine is not to be used to tell H.G. Wells he got everything wrong about the future, even if he did.
147a\. Jules Verne's "Paris In The 20th Century" is currently under investigation.
148\. Thou shalt not useth thy time machine to messeth with the history or holy scripture of the Abrahamic faiths.
149\. Early warning: No licking the Beelzebufo. You won't get high off them, they don't like being licked, and their defense against predators is to secrete ridiculous quantities of capsaicin.
149a\. The so-called "Beelzebufo Inferno Challenge" is hereby called off due to hospitalization of several employees with severe chemical burns. Seriously, they've got as much capsaicin in one square inch as 6 Naga ghost peppers.
150\. "The Hunt For Red October" is a work of fiction, and it's wrong to try to sell a plot synopsis to the Cold War era US Government as actionable intelligence.
150a\. Concurrent with #61, no selling historical spy agencies fake secrets either.

Stay out of Swagville or face the consequences. First and final warning.
Let me introduce myself - I’m a swaglord who lives ride-or-die by the YOLO mentality. I’ve trolled not only the losers at my school but all of my fucking annoying teachers. (Except for Mr. Devon in my sophomore year 3rd period health class. He let us look at boobies in the textbook and ignored me ripping fat clouds of my mango juul in the back of the class. A complete bro, through and through). My point is that I’m pretty much a badass.
If you’re scared of me now, just see what happens if you cross my turf. I reside in my humble, 4.5 story, 57,000 square-foot mansion abode, located smack-down in the middle of America’s most highly-esteemed township. If it wasn’t obvious, I’m talking about Swagville, Population: me - a highly secured and restricted area that doesn’t take shit from anybody.
Even the government and all of their nosy cuck feds who can’t mind their own business know better than to try anything, especially after last time. You see, Bill Clinton had tried to negotiate some kind of business deal where he’d do some form of “trafficking”, and would be able to fly in and out of Swagville as he pleased in his infamous private jet, theTrollita Express. I told his ass to shut up and go back to filling out crossword puzzles with his hag of a wife... just like the nerdy libtard he is. No way I’d be dealing with extra stop lights, endless road construction, slower speed limits, or any project involving traffic. I have my driving situation as good as it gets: making my own roads and obliterating obstacles at <90 mph in my 2007 Hummer, complete with blinding LED headlights and a modded horn that plays Gangnam style. Bill Clinton deserves no respect from a man as a epic me, no matter how seductive and alluring his saxophone skills may be. At the end of the day he’s just a band kid and a simp, one who couldn’t even get himself to ditch Hillary for Monica (who was a complete babe and is now a complete milf).
Even though most people would piss their pants and cry to their mommy at the thought of approaching me, I still have a procedure for handling anyone stupid enough, or ballsy enough, to step foot on my property. 270 hours of paintball and shooting squirrels with my air soft gun make me the possibly the best marksman on this side of the flat, spinning, coin-shaped earth. Want to hear a joke? Yo momma is so fat, she’s the only person my elephant tranquilizer wouldn’t be able to take down! That’s right, all trespassers will a get a dart impaled 3 inches into their skin, releasing a fast-acting concoction of ketamine and Xanax, cut with a little ammonia and antifreeze. Keeps them knocked out cold, guaranteed. The trespasser gets to have one last snooze before their life quite likely becomes a living hell.
From there I can haul their body onto my all-terrain golf cart, and take them to my backyards extra-large tool shed, which I’ve meticulously renovated into a makeshift interrogation room. When they wake up, all they’ll be able to see is a bright lamp, the wooden table that their ankle is cuffed to, and a printed copy of my annually written, trademarked and certified ‘swag test’™️, one of the few accredited tests in the nation that will measure and quantify the test taker’s swag. If the trespasser receives a score of a 69* or above, they will have passed the test and will move on.* Those who move on are required to take the the yolo code oath; in doing so they have thereby sworn to live life by the YOLO mentality, and continue their efforts in the pursuit of divine swag. If the oath is taken, the trespasser may now freely leave Swagville so long as they do not speak of what occurred. Those who truly impress me may be given my steam username and will receive an invite to join my discord server; they may also be invited back to the property for one of my annual paintball tournaments.
So all ends mostly well for those ‘well-endowed’ with swag - they are pardoned, left with only a little bit of liver damage and some heart palpitations from the tranquilizer. But this best-case scenario is truly a far cry from the more common scenario. You see, swag is a limited resource. Some overflow in it, leaking swag juice from the very pores of their skin. Hell, if I were squeezed like an orange I’d probably pour out a liter or two of swag juice (pulp included).
But most people couldn’t even muster a mere drop of swagade. Not even diet swagade. These are the pitiful geeks who can’t help but inevitably pull an epic fail on my Swag Test™️. All the luck in the world couldn’t save them - not that they could ever receive luck in the first place. You see, luck is a force attracted to swag and conversely repelled by its absence. This is can be used to explain why ugly people are unlucky and have terrible lives. Luck and losers are like opposites who just do NOT attract, whatsoever. Sucks to suck, I guess.
The swagless trespassers who fail the test face a much darker path ahead of them. They are lead down an old hummer trail to my state of the art, WWII Japanese prison re-enactment facility, a nearly exact replica of one of the camps used to keep American POWs. Say what you like about them, but Japan sure did know how to make people’s lives awful back in the day. Makes me glad they calmed down and became a submissive society, all but fully domesticated by their cartoons and video games.
Once imprisoned, the person is forced to do tiring labor. What they must do is spend all hours of the waking day scouring the internet for funny rage comics and ‘try not to laugh’ video complications on YouTube. These is how I find my daily entertainment, avoiding all the boring stuff in between like news, politics, and of course all of the cringe-inducing attempts at comedy littering the internet. If a prisoner fails to provide me with one meme worthy of a “lmao”, or I sit through one of their selected ‘try not to laugh’ videos without producing but a single laugh, this will be considered an insult to myself and they will suffer one of the most severe consequence I can impose.
Before describing this punishment, I’d like explain the food system currently place, and how meals that I serve demonstrate a compromise made between gourmet quality and affordability. I like to keep a degree of both present in prisoners’ meals, in order to help keep them on top of their game and support their swag growth, while also helping to reduce costs the of operation for my facility. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I could never afford to make shortcuts with it. This could risk harm to prison labor performance during the morning hours, when fresh memes and after-hour memes from the previous night are plentiful. As such, it includes a pop tart and a 16oz monster energy drink, both being legitimate, on-brand products that ensure high productivity. Compromises were rather focused with the prisoner’s lunch and dinner, which both consist of a serving of microwave-prepared, grocery store-brand pizza rolls, served at an absurdly hot temperature (as customary) with a side of knock off Doritos and a slightly cool glass of Mountain Shoutin’, which surprisingly only leaves a slight aftertaste resembling sunscreen. Although not ideal, the food provided is tolerated by prisoners without much issue. As I said before, the punishment for prisoners who fail to meet my labor standards is very severe.
Rather than a standard meal, a prisoner facing such punishment will receive 3 pounds of fibrous vegetables, comprised mostly of celery, radishes, and raw, unwashed cauliflower. This atrocity is served to them in place of all their meals for one whole business week. They are also provided a beverage to wash this down with - a noticeably thick glass of orange juice that’s been blended with toothpaste.
Most people figure after a couple days on this diet that it’s easier to skip meals and fast for a week than it is to eat and digest the equivalent of a small shrub. Those who do not stop eating these meals, whether by choice or by not realizing they are allowed to skip them, end up with a cellulose-clogged digestive system and a uncomfortably full and firm stomach; they describe feeling as if their abdomen and torso were full of bricks. They become lethargic from a lack of calorically dense food, even more lethargic than those who fast - the energy it takes to simply digest and pass pounds of plant matter can potentially surpass the amount of energy provided by the vegetables themselves. Perhaps worst of all, these prisoners end up with remarkably terrible constipation- sometimes even leading one to consider the necessity of stool softener, or even surgical removal. This meal replacement never fails to provide a traumatizing experience and ensure that these men manically hunt down kek and avoid all cringe, working in such a primal and frantic way, as if their very lives depended on it. Not only does this mean they can begin to understand and distinguish what exactly constitutes epic swag, but it means they will respond with violence and anger towards shitty memes. They’re well on their way to become a professional internet patroller and kek enforcer. Last but not least, the experience can induce the prisoner with a lasting form of PTSD, a clear step in the right direction. I mean, how swagtastic is it to be triggered by certain noises, smells, images, etc., and just go batshit crazy on everyone nearby? You’re like a sleeper spy, except you have no orders, just some adrenaline and a feasurvival-driven aggression that needs to be unleashed. It’s a total power move to be screaming about your memories of celery, painful shits, and extreme hunger in the face of confused and pathetically submissive cowards. You could even call this person an alpha male, the type of man we all aspire to be.
Through this labor, through their punishment, through all of the hardships and trials they face, each prisoner can be reborn. They can learn to identify swag from lame, kek from cringe, and beta cuck loser from self. They can become more attuned to my mentality, and begin to embrace it themselves. Slowly the meaning of YOLO will be clear to them.
They can request a Swag test at any time to see if they have attained a high enough level; if they pass, then the oath may be made and sworn and their freedom will thus be granted. However, with each additional failure there is a proper price. They are forced to drink a 2L of water, and must consume a very strong caffeine pill, acting as a diuretic. For 24hrs they’ll have no bathroom access, and if they pee their pants they must stay in the same clothing for the complete duration of the remaining time. How uncomfortable and embarrassing... Got’em!
However, some may never escape their pit of shame and lame, never accepting swag into their lives, always pushing back against my efforts to fix them. If they refuse change and deny the teachings, they shall never be released, a fate most tragic. They will remain locked away, working as their mind and body deteriorate. They are tormented up until facing one last epic fail - a humiliating and anticlimactic death. In my experience, these individuals last, like, 8 weeks tops. And if they are still around by then they days are numbered, like maybe 3-4. Not even two months total. This is admittedly pretty short for a prisoner to end up dead, but at the end of day it is honestly their fault for being stuck-up try hards. Usually it only takes other inmates a couple of weeks along with a little elbow grease to earn enough swag, pass the test and be released. I know people who had more difficulty getting their temps in high school.
Swag-deniers are relentless, I’ll give them that. Their devotion and hatred actually inspires me to strengthen my passion and embrace for swag, seeing the fate that could have been mine had I instead taken the path of denial. These dumbasses won’t suck up their pride and always say shit like “swag is dumb, just be kind, polite, and civil like a normal person”. What the fuck are you talking about, bruh? It’s laughable how stupid they are.
One example of their determination is seen with the meal plan and some of the issues it has, and their attempt at a solution. Due to my oversight of some basic human nutrient requirements when planning a diet which prioritizes swag, the normal meal plan was made lacking any citrus fruits or other vitamin C sources. Like pirates are sea, except not nearly as cool, most of these sticks-in-the-mud would develop scurvy given enough time. In fact, some of these idiots have tried to work around it by purposefully being punished with the vegetable meal, just so they could drink the disgustingly-minty orange juice and toothpaste blend. Maybe this seems clever at face value, but nerds and geeks really are not that smart (if they were, they wouldn’t have let themselves become social outcasts and hang out with other cringe loners). Doing this meant they either had to fast or eat a bunch of unsubstantial vegetables, and no matter which option they chose they would lose concerning amounts of weight. Eventually they have to choose either to starve and die looking like a ghoul, or give up on the OJ to die from some scurvy-caused infection, but not before going half bald, having dead gums and a nasty breath, and being covered in lesions. Why are these people so relentless and stubborn? Why do they insist on being devoid of swag? Bro, chill the fuck out and just accept swag as your lord and savior, how fucking hard is it? I almost feel bad for these type but then I just imagine how much they would burden humanity by being some of the nerdiest,socially inept buzzkills on the planet, and realize it would be a disservice to release them.
When they finally kick the bucket, I have to pull out the ol’ hazmat suit and retrieve their icky bodies while trying not to vomit. Really gives me a newfound respect for the sick, sadistic fucks who choose to work at a funeral home or a morgue. You’re still weird, but you make life easier for the rest of us normal folk, so I tip my hat to you all. Back in the deep woods of Swagville, the corpses get thrown into my compost pile and begin to turn into worm food. I keep it far away from the house, not because I fear being caught (the government is too pussy to do anything) but because it smells like the epitome of a loser, one who never showers or wears deodorant, and people want to say something but they don’t want to end up on your list (yes, everyone knows you have a list). I’ve considered using the topsoil made from bodies, just to show my appreciation to poor the worms and bacteria who had to eat such garbage. However, I am certain that any fertilizer containing such high concentrations of lingering crazy, stupid, and shame, would probably infect the seeds and attack the roots. Without a doubt I’d be left with the most beta looking plants imaginable. Even God himself, if he so exists, would be insulted by what had become of a plant created in his vision, and would strike it down with a bolt of lightning, burning it to a crisp in an act of mercy.
Anyway, that’s my tale and my warning to all who dare enter my domain. Only those possessing or capable of achieving swag will make it out alive.
Now I’m going to perform some meditation. Swag lords have many important matters to dwell on. For starters, I must complete my list of potentially epic movie crossovers and my plans to gain production rights. I’d also like to spend some time remembering how hot Megan Fox was in transformers 1 & 2... or how Mark Wahlberg wasn’t good enough to replace Shia LaBeouf, and how those last couple of movies shouldn’t have been made at all. They are lucky China is obsessed with action movies involving CGI alien robots. After my mind is cleared I think my evening will be spent browsing some rage comics and trolling kids. Peace out and god bless
*Any score on the Swag Test™️ between 69 and 100 will suffice for trespassers who wish to appease me and be pardoned from their imprisonment. However, for those taking the test with the intention of applying to highly exclusive, swag-related groups or institutions, such as FaZe clan, a score of exactly 69 is extremely preferred, and will be valued much higher than even a perfect 100/100 in the selection process.

Let me introduce myself - I’m a swaglord who lives ride-or-die by the YOLO mentality. I’ve trolled not only the losers at my school but all of my fucking annoying teachers. (Except for Mr. Devon in my sophomore year 3rd period health class. He let us look at boobies in the textbook and ignored me ripping fat clouds of my mango juul in the back of the class. A complete bro, through and through). My point is that I’m pretty much a badass.
If you’re scared of me now, just see what happens if you cross my turf. I reside in my humble, 4.5 story, 57,000 square-foot mansion abode, located smack-down in the middle of America’s most highly-esteemed township. If it wasn’t obvious, I’m talking about Swagville, Population: me - a highly secured and restricted area that doesn’t take shit from anybody.
Even the government and all of their nosy cuck feds who can’t mind their own business know better than to try anything, especially after last time. You see, Bill Clinton had tried to negotiate some kind of business deal where he’d do some form of “trafficking”, and would be able to fly in and out of Swagville as he pleased in his infamous private jet, theTrollita Express. I told his ass to shut up and go back to filling out crossword puzzles with his hag of a wife... just like the nerdy libtard he is. No way I’d be dealing with extra stop lights, endless road construction, slower speed limits, or any project involving traffic. I have my driving situation as good as it gets: making my own roads and obliterating obstacles at <90 mph in my 2007 Hummer, complete with blinding LED headlights and a modded horn that plays Gangnam style. Bill Clinton deserves no respect from a man as a epic me, no matter how seductive and alluring his saxophone skills may be. At the end of the day he’s just a band kid and a simp, one who couldn’t even get himself to ditch Hillary for Monica (who was a complete babe and is now a complete milf).
Even though most people would piss their pants and cry to their mommy at the thought of approaching me, I still have a procedure for handling anyone stupid enough, or ballsy enough, to step foot on my property. 270 hours of paintball and shooting squirrels with my air soft gun make me the possibly the best marksman on this side of the flat, spinning, coin-shaped earth. Want to hear a joke? Yo momma is so fat, she’s the only person my elephant tranquilizer wouldn’t be able to take down! That’s right, all trespassers will a get a dart impaled 3 inches into their skin, releasing a fast-acting concoction of ketamine and Xanax, cut with a little ammonia and antifreeze. Keeps them knocked out cold, guaranteed. The trespasser gets to have one last snooze before their life quite likely becomes a living hell.
From there I can haul their body onto my all-terrain golf cart, and take them to my backyards extra-large tool shed, which I’ve meticulously renovated into a makeshift interrogation room. When they wake up, all they’ll be able to see is a bright lamp, the wooden table that their ankle is cuffed to, and a printed copy of my annually written, trademarked and certified ‘swag test’™️, one of the few accredited tests in the nation that will measure and quantify the test taker’s swag. If the trespasser receives a score of a 69* or above, they will have passed the test and will move on.* Those who move on are required to take the the yolo code oath; in doing so they have thereby sworn to live life by the YOLO mentality, and continue their efforts in the pursuit of divine swag. If the oath is taken, the trespasser may now freely leave Swagville so long as they do not speak of what occurred. Those who truly impress me may be given my steam username and will receive an invite to join my discord server; they may also be invited back to the property for one of my annual paintball tournaments.
So all ends mostly well for those ‘well-endowed’ with swag - they are pardoned, left with only a little bit of liver damage and some heart palpitations from the tranquilizer. But this best-case scenario is truly a far cry from the more common scenario. You see, swag is a limited resource. Some overflow in it, leaking swag juice from the very pores of their skin. Hell, if I were squeezed like an orange I’d probably pour out a liter or two of swag juice (pulp included).
But most people couldn’t even muster a mere drop of swagade. Not even diet swagade. These are the pitiful geeks who can’t help but inevitably pull an epic fail on my Swag Test™️. All the luck in the world couldn’t save them - not that they could ever receive luck in the first place. You see, luck is a force attracted to swag and conversely repelled by its absence. This is can be used to explain why ugly people are unlucky and have terrible lives. Luck and losers are like opposites who just do NOT attract, whatsoever. Sucks to suck, I guess.
The swagless trespassers who fail the test face a much darker path ahead of them. They are lead down an old hummer trail to my state of the art, WWII Japanese prison re-enactment facility, a nearly exact replica of one of the camps used to keep American POWs. Say what you like about them, but Japan sure did know how to make people’s lives awful back in the day. Makes me glad they calmed down and became a submissive society, all but fully domesticated by their cartoons and video games.
Once imprisoned, the person is forced to do tiring labor. What they must do is spend all hours of the waking day scouring the internet for funny rage comics and ‘try not to laugh’ video complications on YouTube. These is how I find my daily entertainment, avoiding all the boring stuff in between like news, politics, and of course all of the cringe-inducing attempts at comedy littering the internet. If a prisoner fails to provide me with one meme worthy of a “lmao”, or I sit through one of their selected ‘try not to laugh’ videos without producing but a single laugh, this will be considered an insult to myself and they will suffer one of the most severe consequence I can impose.
Before describing this punishment, I’d like explain the food system currently place, and how meals that I serve demonstrate a compromise made between gourmet quality and affordability. I like to keep a degree of both present in prisoners’ meals, in order to help keep them on top of their game and support their swag growth, while also helping to reduce costs the of operation for my facility. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I could never afford to make shortcuts with it. This could risk harm to prison labor performance during the morning hours, when fresh memes and after-hour memes from the previous night are plentiful. As such, it includes a pop tart and a 16oz monster energy drink, both being legitimate, on-brand products that ensure high productivity. Compromises were rather focused with the prisoner’s lunch and dinner, which both consist of a serving of microwave-prepared, grocery store-brand pizza rolls, served at an absurdly hot temperature (as customary) with a side of knock off Doritos and a slightly cool glass of Mountain Shoutin’, which surprisingly only leaves a slight aftertaste resembling sunscreen. Although not ideal, the food provided is tolerated by prisoners without much issue. As I said before, the punishment for prisoners who fail to meet my labor standards is very severe.
Rather than a standard meal, a prisoner facing such punishment will receive 3 pounds of fibrous vegetables, comprised mostly of celery, radishes, and raw, unwashed cauliflower. This atrocity is served to them in place of all their meals for one whole business week. They are also provided a beverage to wash this down with - a noticeably thick glass of orange juice that’s been blended with toothpaste.
Most people figure after a couple days on this diet that it’s easier to skip meals and fast for a week than it is to eat and digest the equivalent of a small shrub. Those who do not stop eating these meals, whether by choice or by not realizing they are allowed to skip them, end up with a cellulose-clogged digestive system and a uncomfortably full and firm stomach; they describe feeling as if their abdomen and torso were full of bricks. They become lethargic from a lack of calorically dense food, even more lethargic than those who fast - the energy it takes to simply digest and pass pounds of plant matter can potentially surpass the amount of energy provided by the vegetables themselves. Perhaps worst of all, these prisoners end up with remarkably terrible constipation- sometimes even leading one to consider the necessity of stool softener, or even surgical removal. This meal replacement never fails to provide a traumatizing experience and ensure that these men manically hunt down kek and avoid all cringe, working in such a primal and frantic way, as if their very lives depended on it. Not only does this mean they can begin to understand and distinguish what exactly constitutes epic swag, but it means they will respond with violence and anger towards shitty memes. They’re well on their way to become a professional internet patroller and kek enforcer. Last but not least, the experience can induce the prisoner with a lasting form of PTSD, a clear step in the right direction. I mean, how swagtastic is it to be triggered by certain noises, smells, images, etc., and just go batshit crazy on everyone nearby? You’re like a sleeper spy, except you have no orders, just some adrenaline and a feasurvival-driven aggression that needs to be unleashed. It’s a total power move to be screaming about your memories of celery, painful shits, and extreme hunger in the face of confused and pathetically submissive cowards. You could even call this person an alpha male, the type of man we all aspire to be.
Through this labor, through their punishment, through all of the hardships and trials they face, each prisoner can be reborn. They can learn to identify swag from lame, kek from cringe, and beta cuck loser from self. They can become more attuned to my mentality, and begin to embrace it themselves. Slowly the meaning of YOLO will be clear to them.
They can request a Swag test at any time to see if they have attained a high enough level; if they pass, then the oath may be made and sworn and their freedom will thus be granted. However, with each additional failure there is a proper price. They are forced to drink a 2L of water, and must consume a very strong caffeine pill, acting as a diuretic. For 24hrs they’ll have no bathroom access, and if they pee their pants they must stay in the same clothing for the complete duration of the remaining time. How uncomfortable and embarrassing... Got’em!
However, some may never escape their pit of shame and lame, never accepting swag into their lives, always pushing back against my efforts to fix them. If they refuse change and deny the teachings, they shall never be released, a fate most tragic. They will remain locked away, working as their mind and body deteriorate. They are tormented up until facing one last epic fail - a humiliating and anticlimactic death. In my experience, these individuals last, like, 8 weeks tops. And if they are still around by then they days are numbered, like maybe 3-4. Not even two months total. This is admittedly pretty short for a prisoner to end up dead, but at the end of day it is honestly their fault for being stuck-up try hards. Usually it only takes other inmates a couple of weeks along with a little elbow grease to earn enough swag, pass the test and be released. I know people who had more difficulty getting their temps in high school.
Swag-deniers are relentless, I’ll give them that. Their devotion and hatred actually inspires me to strengthen my passion and embrace for swag, seeing the fate that could have been mine had I instead taken the path of denial. These dumbasses won’t suck up their pride and always say shit like “swag is dumb, just be kind, polite, and civil like a normal person”. What the fuck are you talking about, bruh? It’s laughable how stupid they are.
One example of their determination is seen with the meal plan and some of the issues it has, and their attempt at a solution. Due to my oversight of some basic human nutrient requirements when planning a diet which prioritizes swag, the normal meal plan was made lacking any citrus fruits or other vitamin C sources. Like pirates are sea, except not nearly as cool, most of these sticks-in-the-mud would develop scurvy given enough time. In fact, some of these idiots have tried to work around it by purposefully being punished with the vegetable meal, just so they could drink the disgustingly-minty orange juice and toothpaste blend. Maybe this seems clever at face value, but nerds and geeks really are not that smart (if they were, they wouldn’t have let themselves become social outcasts and hang out with other cringe loners). Doing this meant they either had to fast or eat a bunch of unsubstantial vegetables, and no matter which option they chose they would lose concerning amounts of weight. Eventually they have to choose either to starve and die looking like a ghoul, or give up on the OJ to die from some scurvy-caused infection, but not before going half bald, having dead gums and a nasty breath, and being covered in lesions. Why are these people so relentless and stubborn? Why do they insist on being devoid of swag? Bro, chill the fuck out and just accept swag as your lord and savior, how fucking hard is it? I almost feel bad for these type but then I just imagine how much they would burden humanity by being some of the nerdiest,socially inept buzzkills on the planet, and realize it would be a disservice to release them.
When they finally kick the bucket, I have to pull out the ol’ hazmat suit and retrieve their icky bodies while trying not to vomit. Really gives me a newfound respect for the sick, sadistic fucks who choose to work at a funeral home or a morgue. You’re still weird, but you make life easier for the rest of us normal folk, so I tip my hat to you all. Back in the deep woods of Swagville, the corpses get thrown into my compost pile and begin to turn into worm food. I keep it far away from the house, not because I fear being caught (the government is too pussy to do anything) but because it smells like the epitome of a loser, one who never showers or wears deodorant, and people want to say something but they don’t want to end up on your list (yes, everyone knows you have a list). I’ve considered using the topsoil made from bodies, just to show my appreciation to poor the worms and bacteria who had to eat such garbage. However, I am certain that any fertilizer containing such high concentrations of lingering crazy, stupid, and shame, would probably infect the seeds and attack the roots. Without a doubt I’d be left with the most beta looking plants imaginable. Even God himself, if he so exists, would be insulted by what had become of a plant created in his vision, and would strike it down with a bolt of lightning, burning it to a crisp in an act of mercy.
Anyway, that’s my tale and my warning to all who dare enter my domain. Only those possessing or capable of achieving swag will make it out alive.
Now I’m going to perform some meditation. Swag lords have many important matters to dwell on. For starters, I must complete my list of potentially epic movie crossovers and my plans to gain production rights. I’d also like to spend some time remembering how hot Megan Fox was in transformers 1 & 2... or how Mark Wahlberg wasn’t good enough to replace Shia LaBeouf, and how those last couple of movies shouldn’t have been made at all. They are lucky China is obsessed with action movies involving CGI alien robots. After my mind is cleared I think my evening will be spent browsing some rage comics and trolling kids. Peace out and god bless
*Any score on the Swag Test™️ between 69 and 100 will suffice for trespassers who wish to appease me and be pardoned from their imprisonment. However, for those taking the test with the intention of applying to highly exclusive, swag-related groups or institutions, such as FaZe clan, a score of exactly 69 is extremely preferred, and will be valued much higher than even a perfect 100/100 in the selection process.

Agni-Heaven/Hell
Ah Muzen Cab-Man Bee
Ah Puch-Zombie King
Amaterasu-Shrine Priestess
Anhur-Beast Tamer
Anubis-Chibi
Ao Kuang-Samurai
Aphrodite-Preppy School Girl
Apollo-Suit and Tie/Al Capone
Arachne-Black Widow
Ares-Paladin/Guardian Of Light?
Artemis-Huntewith gun and hunting clothes
Artio-Nature LoveHippie basically
Athena-Guardian of heavens gate
Awilix- Jaguar tamer
Bacchus-BartendeDrunk Buisnessman
Bakasura- a tick a bloodsucking tick
Bastet-Foxy skin
Bellona-Knight
Cabrakan-Insane Asylum Patient or Colossus from xmen
Camazotz- Crow
Cernunnos- Buck/Deer skin or Red Nosed Reindeer for christmas
Chaac- Fury skin like pure rage aura around a knight
Chang'e- Battle Medic or medic from WW2
Chiron- Evolving Skin he starts human then evolves to Centaur
Chronos- Old man with hunchback with cane that has time on it
Cu Chulainn - Something that looks like aquaman
Cupid- Suit and Tie
Da Ji - 9 Tails made like Doc Ock from spiderman/Girl Wolverine
Erlang Shen - Ninja
Fafnir - Keeper of the Dragons fortune/or Ult is charzard and human is poke traineash
Fenrir- Beagle/German Sheperd
Freya- Magis or 1980s stripper
Ganesha- Mammoth
Geb -WW2 Tank when he turns into a dash or like Ruckus
Guan Yu- Bald Monk with staff and his ult would be him being carried by subordinates/underlings on a carpet
Hachiman- Bouncer
Hades- Universal Damnation
He Bo- Volcanic ash
Hel - Democrats and Republicans
Hercules- Drunk football player
Hou Yi- Reverse Succubus
Hun Batz- Planet of the Apes
Isis- Griffin
Izanami- Fast food with scythes being spatulas and ult is BBQ sauce
Janus- King of dimensions with royalty coat and shiny crown/TerminatoScientist
Jing Wei- Spa person
Kali- Ben 10 Four Arms
Khepri- Roach or Tick
Kukulkan- Rattle Snake
Kumbhakarna- That person that sleeps on beds in stores/ or A fast food addict
Kuzenbo -Snapping Turtle
Loki- Hazmat Suit/CDC ult he says sorry you were infected/Nightwing
Medusa- Mirror Mirror on the wall
Morrigan- Roque from x men
Mercury- Usain Bolt/ Olympics medal/ Ice Skating
Ne Zha- Race Track driver
Neith- Witch
Nemesis- Judge Judy (just a judge tho)
Nike- Hit girl from kickass
Nox- Drama Queen
Nu Wa- Digital like pixel
Odin- Professor Egghead from sonic
Osiris- mad scientist
Poseidon-(xStorm Reaperzx) Michal Phelps
Ra- Seagle
Raijin- Drummer from kiss
Rama- Leather Armor with a wooden bow and hes white not purple
Ratatoskr- Ferrit or Raccoon/Rocket Raccoon
Ravana- Jackie Chan/Ninja/Bodybuilder
Scylla- Gothic/Human girl with Octopus Tentacles
Serqet- Scorpion from spiderman/or Skunk
Skadi- Russian Gymnast with Yoga pants dog is made of Protein bar.
Sobek-Ferraligator from pokemon
Sol- Ice god/Housewife with oven mits/Sandwich artist
Sun Wukong- Magician/Wallet Thief
Susano- Master swordsman/Blacksmith/Sasuke from naruto (too many memes about it so make it reality)
Sylvanus- Herbalist TeacheBotany teacheGroot from guardians of galaxy with Rocket Raccoon on top
Terra- Club Bouncer
Thanatos- Dubstep Skin/Satanic Ritual like Anubis/Trench coat with sword instead of scythe/Knight
Thor- Hacker
Thoth- Seagull/ScholaLibrarian with small eyeglasses/
Tyr- Medieval ExecutioneFood Critic and sword is a giant fork
Ullr- Geek
Vamana- Troll/Yoda
Vulcan- Instead of fire its water and he stole Posidons Staff/Kim Jun Unn with nukes insead of rockets
Xbalanque- Juggernaut from xmen with a sign ripped out for the axe and car door for shield
Xing Tian- Venom from spiderman bc the mouth,or carnage/Traveler
Ymir-Fire Giant/Earth Elemntal
Zeus- Electrician/Shazam/Gamer
Zhong Kui- Artist/PlumbeMechanic/Fast Food MangeGuildmaster from a rpg or something/Comedian/Bug Exterminator
Recal Idea: Waterfall
Volcano
Tsunami
Dubstep
Dance Recall that would be cool
Shadows
A gate spawns in front of you and you walk threw it
Janus portal
WARD IDEAS
Train
Action Figure
Volcano
Television
Xbox
Goblin
Ghost
Magic wand
Thunderclouds
MUSIC THEMES
PIxel
old rpg music like FF1 or something
EMOTES
Joined Dance like in destiny
Handshake
Taunt emotes that are funny
Combat Roll
Sleeping
Rage
Backflip
Animations
at the end of each mach you see the winning team standing there and spamming there laugh or something or like top player video
at victory screen show a chest fall from the skin if you got one and you can unlocked it there
Custom MOTD Ive always wanted to make a custom match with no cool downs and infinite mana I think this would make custom games more interesting and also the boss gamemode on pc should come to xbox

Four squads of Helicopters hovered in formation over the walmart as they kicked up arizona dirt into the air.. Chinooks had Men dressed in all black repelling down as Jets flew circles around the Walmart now in the middle of no where..
An older middle aged man watched as as trucks took off to the desert following people trying to drive off..
A woman in a Colonel’s uniform shook her head, “This is the last Time I ever decide to come to this D@#$ store..”
Several of the men come running. One of the men with a siler bar yells, “Hands where we..”
“It is Colonel Blackstone United States Airforce..” Taking a deep breath, “Where is your CO?”
The lead man hit the female Colonel with a rifle, “F#$%ing C#$% you were told to..”
The man standing next to the downed Colonel, caught the man all in black off gaurd.. A loud snap filled the air, Followed by the man grabbing the rifle using him as a shield.. “You lost your gos D@#$ mind son.. Or just your god D@#$ map and Compass. The Colonel Asked you a question..”
From the Ground Colonel Blackstone coughed, “Let.. Let him go soldier..”
Several of the other Men and black where kneeling in firing positions..
A man in a black suit coughed,” Master Chief.. Reign in the dogs.. Son.. Let the idiot officer go..” Walking past the soldier, the man in the Black suit reaches down.. Taking the Colonel’s hand, “Colonel Blackstone.. USAF.. “ The man smiles, “Agent Rhiends.. I am glad you are US military.. Right.. Care to explain where this..” Looking at the building, “Came from.. Looks like a walmart..”
The man lets the injured officer go, and shoves him forward to the ground as the JSOC team glares at him..
“Who won the last superbowl,” Colonel Blackstone spoke?
“F#$% me..” Taking a deep breath, “Redskins blew out the broncos last month.. Superbowl 22..”
“S#$%.. Boys,” Colonel looks around.. “Search everyone here.. Bring in those that walked off.. “ turning to the crowd of people from inside walmart, “How many of you are Veterans? We have a F@#$5ing problem..”
Several of the men and women stepped forward..
“Mam,” The group spoke..
“You are all back to active duty at your ranks you where last in.. Including you soldier,” The Colonel spoke to the man with the JSOC weapon.. “You will help Agent Rhiends secure this facility for the federal government.. We have a huge F#$%ing problem.. It is 1988.. Ronald Reagan is president..”
“Mam, “ Agent Rhiends gets a look on his face.. “I am the officer in charge.. Care to..”
“Contact Davis Mothan.. Agent You are going to need a lot more people and security.. I want that road shut down immediately.. Find everyone who left.. We will need generators.. “ Taking a dep breath, “None of your people are allowed in the cars or the store..”
“Who the H#$% do you think you are,” Agent Rhiends was getting pissed..
“Because the US Government will never let any of you see your families again if you go in there..” Colonel Blackstone leans forward, “Get me a line to someone at Fort Meade Maryland.. An Agent Blackstone, My father.. Tell them Colonel Rita Dell Blackstone from 2018 wishes to speak with him..”
Agent Rhiends pauses, “2018…” Swallowing hard, “My god.. 30 years worth of technology..”
The man with the JSOC gun snapped his fingers, “Get moving.. Your bosses at Quantico will fry you if you do NOT do as the Colonel says..” The Man tosses the rifle to the Master Chief, “Your men will want to listen to.. Do not even peak inside the store..”
The master chief is eyeing the man, “I would say army.. Been out a long time.. Agent.. I would call Forte Meade for verifacation..” The Master chief looks at the man, “Your off son..”
“Corporal.. I went spook old man..” Leaning forward, “Wetworks. “
“They dont call it that,” The Master Chief narrows his eyes.. “F#$% a private contractor?”
Looking at the FBI agent, “Octavius..” The man smiled,” Private Contractor..” thinking fast, “GS 11.. Fredrick Octavius.. Colonel Blackstone is correct.. You might want to add in not to speak with those you chase down..The main reason none of you want to interact a lot.. Some of these people might have Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. MRSA..”
“S#$%.. Medically resistant staff infection,” Colonel Blackstones words makes everyone freeze.. “And every man here will be decom’ed..” Seeing Agent Rhiends face, “Some of the diseases have evolved in the next thirty years. The common ones are developing a resistance to any form of medicine..”
Agent Rhiends walks over to one of the jeeps and crawls in..
“Mr. Octavius.. I will need your support,” Colonel Blackstone spoke as quiet as possible.. “I dont recall a..”
“Mam.. I retired,” The fortyish year old man was eyeing everyone.. “That man has to sit in decom.. Dont touch him.. No hand to hand with combatants..”
“Master chief,” The Officer has guns pointed at him by the other members of the JSOC team.
Everyone is staring at each other for a few awkward minutes.
Agent Rhiends has the sat phone brought out,”Agent Blackstone is being located.. I was advised to let you handle the people on your end colonel.. Pending proof you are who you claim to be..”
Octavius looks at a black man in blue jeans and T-Shirt.. The man readjust his MAGA hat..
Another white female has a thought cross her mind, “Wait.. This is 1988..” She looks down at her t-shirt Hillary was robbed, “We can stop that sexist bastard!”
“B#$%^.. We can stop the people they killed,” The Man with MAGA hat spoke.. “Wait.. “ An evil smile crosses the man’s face, “Whitewater.. Vince Foster!”
Octavius rolls his eyes and walks over to a car..
“You two shut the F#$% up,” The Colonel growls.. “Or I will have these men shoot you dead!”
Opening the car he takes out a pack of Cigarettes.. Packing the cigs, he then opens them.. Taking one out he digs out his lighter.. “Master Chief,” Octavius speaks to the Two men who followed him at a distance. “Those F#$%ers should just both be shot on priciple..”
The Master Chief takes out a pack of Cigarettes and lights one up.. “What is that S#$% about?”
“Octavius,” Colonel Blackstone growls..
“Mam.. they need to know what to listen for.. They may have to kill these people if they talk out of turn..” Octavius responds raising his hands..
“There will be no mention of politics.. Or anything else until we talk with natives in the military..” Colonel Blackstone glares at the man in the MAGA hat..
“Thank you.. We can convince them to stop T,” The woman goes to the ground from a back hand..
“Say nothing..” Leaning over the whimpering woman, “I voted for bernie!”
“Colonel,” Octavius speaks with raised eyebrows?
The master Chief quietly eyes Octavius.. Realizing he stared to long, “politics?” Looking around at some of the people that the former military were talking to, “They are dressed funny..”
“The people of walmart Master Chief,” Octavius nonchalantly speaks.. “A meme where I am from..”
“Meme,” The Master Chief puffed..
“Clive..” Octavius smiles evilly, “Welcome to the new world..”
“I never mentioned my first name,” Clive looks at Octavius..
Everyone turns and looks at the two men.. Agent Rhiends and Colonel Blackstone walk over..
“You know this man,” Agent Rhiends speaks.. “Why the F#$% did you not say so? We can start..”
“You are thinking about retiring.. Clive got an offer from the FBI to teach at their head quarters.. “ Octavius smiles politely, “Just got divorced from your third wife..”
“You,” Clive nods his head to the Agent.. “Ok.. What are my childrens names?”
“Rebecca, Joseph, and little timmie..”
“Nice try I do not have any children,” Clive shakes his head.. “Sir..”
“Rebecca, Germany eight years ago.. Joseph, mexico four years ago..” Octavius grins evilly, “And little timmie was born to your sister in law last year. DNA test are a b#$%^.”
Agent Rhiends looked at the Master chief...
“Please I was in Germany nine year.. Oh,” Master Chief took a deep breath.. “I did not sleep with my.. F#$% !!”
“Relax Master Chief.. The DoD cant afford to lose your skills.. And none of your CO get to know about this.. It will be classified eyes only for those read into this..” Octavius takes a long drag, “We are wasting time.. You need to be planning Colonel.. The brass are going to be jack A$$es..”
“Let me get this straight,” A man in a very expensive suit was very pissed.. “This GS 11 Octavius.. Knocked out one of the Hazmat workers and escaped..”
“Sir,” Agent Rhiends tried to speak..”He..”
“Your Master Chief on loan from JSOC, reported that he did not believe This Octavius..” The man spoke coldly, “I have to report to the Man Reagan put in charge a few hours ago.. You want me to tell him What?”
The master Chief walks up and drops a black bag in front of the agents..
“Colonel Blackstone..” Shaking his head, Clive is pissed.. “This is worse then we thought.. A sniper Rifle.. And..” Pointing towards a car, “We found a body in the trunk.. Colonel I was right..”
“He knew you,” The Colonel shook her head.. “And idea who it was?”
“Me,” Master Chief took a deep breath..
The man in the suit raised and eye brow, “So.. That is how he knew your personal..” The man chuckles, “He is a wetworks operative.. “
Master Chief shows a badge, “Colonel.. What is this Department of Homeland Security..”
The two agents look at Colonel Blackstone, “Long story sir.. We have to catch this mother F#$%er..”
“No S#$%.. Lucky for you,” The Agent freezes..
“Carl.. Leave her alone,” A man walks up.. “So you claim you are my baby girl?”
Both agents tighten up, “Sir she let..”
“Boys.. “ Mr. Blackstone spoke, “If your my little girl..”
The Colonel smiles, “Dad..” She rolls up her uniforms legs showing a red line, “Ice Skating..” raising her shirt, “Appendix when I was twelve.. “
Agent Blackstone takes a deep breath..
“You burned down your grill last year during the forth of July.. Your last words to mama was her favorite bible passage.. “ Colonel Blackstone swallows hard, “My younger brother is actuall Jilly’s son.. You and mama adopted him.. You dont tell anyone of the rest of us till you are on your deathbed..”
“Ok.. Littlelady..”
“I lied to you last night if it is the date I think it is.. I just lost my virginity to the man I marry.. “ The Colonel looks at her father, “And shut the F#$% up dad.. You were right I divorce him when I am a major..”
The Colonel has one hand on her hip and points at the Agent..
Blackstone has to lean on Carl and Rhiends, “I believe my little jelly bean..”
“You call me your little Green bean,” Colonel Blackstone looks at her father all serious.. “And you know I HATE that fucking nickname!”
“That is her mothers attitude,” The older Agent is laughing.. “All right.. Colonel We will catch up later.. For now we need to know the nature of the biohazard. Gr..” The agent stops cold, “D@#$.. You grow up to have your mothers manneris..” Another glare shuts the Agent up..
“It should be containable.. The only problem is this octavous man.. We will need to do a general health check and eliminate the risk.. We have the risk of several diseases..” Colonel Blackstone speaks, “Lucky for you dad we have a doctor, the pharmacist, and a few others in the store..”
“We completely lock this area down and no one gets out till they go through a full decontamination,” Agent Blackstone smiles.. “We will need to talk.. Technology, history.. All of it.. We are gonna have a lot to talk about.. Me and my littler green bean will be talking..”
“Our main concern immediately is this.. Dad,” The colonel shakes her head.. “He killed a man and casually sat next to the live man.. He is some kind of hit man..”
“It gives ua a body to compare with a living man..” Agent Blackstone took the Colonel’s arm, “Give me a tour of this walmart.. We will be scouring this store for fingerprints.. Lets see if we can find him.. “
“Dad.. There is a lot of technology inside,” Blackstone grinned.. “You wont believe the computing power available on our cell phones..” After a few seconds, “Wait.. We can bring up the tapes and see what he touched.. “
As they got away from several of the people, “I believe your story..” Agent Blackstone told his daughter, “Now.. What are you not telling me?”
“I met with DoHS agent Clive blueson two days ago dad..” The Colonel closed her eyes fighting her emotions.. Opening them, “I met Octavius at the base.. Dad.. I did not know he was a contract killer I swear to god.. I..”
“You slept with him,” Agent Blackstone smiled.. “Good.. “
“Because even in our mistakes, their is always something of value,” colonel Blackstone grinned..
“Thats my girl.. You slept with him for several days to several weeks.. You can help me build a profile of him.. How hard is it going to be to catch him,” Agent Blackstone spoke softly.. “So that is why you where here.. You were meeting with him for a quickie..”
Sighing as she looked at her father.. “He is professional.. He is also... lonely.. Dad.. I dont think he lied to me directly.” The Colonel smiled, “D@#$ near impossible dad.. He was doing this under all our noses.. With more advanced technology at our disposal.. He wont try to contact his family.. They are dead to him already.. His .. He mentioned his first girl friend.. He said.. Texas.. Dad.. He lived in Texas when he was younger.. The accent and he mentioned the night life at Deep Elm..”
“You know I will have to speak with my little green bean.. She needs to develop better taste in men..” Fatherly, Agent Blackstone took a minute, “Leave that part out of your official report.. Now show me this technology.. We will all go through decom.. The CDC is on its way.. The President has been briefed.. This whole mess has been given a project name already.. Project Morlock...”
A man in a suit is on his knees, “I am made man.. You are dead.. Do you understand me?”
A masked man pulls the trigger splattering the italian man’s brains over the wharehouse..
The other hitters on their knees defiantly stare forward..
“Now.. I am glad I have you attention,” Octavius’s voice comes from the masked man.. He snaps his finger and a briefcase is set on the ground with masked men around Octavius.. He kicks the brief case to the largest hitter, “Your boss was outing all of you to the FBI. Louie.”
“You are full of S#$%,” Louie looks up as a woman in cuffs is brought forward..
“Louie.. Help me,” The woman begs as she is tossed to the ground..
“The Don’s mistress,” Louie is wide eyed..
“Pam,” Octavius grabs the woman by her hair.. “You convinced them I was deal bad S#$%.. Your boys in undercover poisoned my weed shipment.. Killing my customers..”
“Louie..” Pam had fear in her eyes, “He is lying.. I..”
Several more men with blackhoodies over their faces are dragged in..
Thier mask are removed as they are shoved to the ground..
Beaten and bloddied the four men try to stand and cant even stand..
Taking out a police issued side arm from his long coat, “We are going to play a game.. You officers are going to sing for Louie..”
An unbeaten Louie is stood up and sat in a chair.. His hands are cut free, “You.. Undercovers..”
“I am an officer of,” The man dies from a side arm discharge..
One of the other three falls to the ground and passes out..
Octavius shots the man that fell in the back of the head..
“Pam.. You got to tell them..” One of them speaks, “We did not have anything to do with this..”
“I.. I dont know who you,” Pam winces when octavius kills the man speaking.. “Louie.. He..”
Louie weakly stands up, “Stop.. The boss will want to speak with them..”
Octavius puts the gun in the face of Pam, “She is the Don’s favorite..Louie.. Louie..” Taking a deep breath, Octavius nods..
The other hitters are cut free professionally..
“You are asking me on behalf of the families to hand these two over to you,” Octavius smiles evilly from behind the mask..
“I aint a Don,” Louie has to hold onto one of the other hitters.. As Octavius cocks the hand gun back, “Yes.. It is family business..”
Ocatvius tosses the gun on the ground, “Louie.. Leave the gun, it is the last man’s side arm.. I do this because of our long friendship.. Just you..”
“I do not F#$%ing know you,” Louie growls..
Octavius laughs for a minute as his own men get nervous.. Octavius stops, “I had to try.. Tell the don nothing moves into california without me being paid..” After a few seconds to let it sink,”I will ship out weed.. I want your boss to sell only the finest..”
“Looks.. Youse not an idiot.. My boss doesn do bidness dis way..” Louie shook his head as the other hitters are moved back, “My boss is one of the most feared..”
Octavius leans forward lifting the mask.. He starts whispering in Louies ear..
Louie goes white faced, “You.. You a made man… “ Louie gives a greeting in Sicilian..
Octavius responds in Sicilian.. After the response, “Everyone but Louie turn around..” Lifting Louie’s sleeve, “ Your coded mark..” Octavius lifts his sleeve showing a black dragon..
Louie backs up wide eyed, “My.. My mark..I..”
Octavius puts his finger on louies lip.. He whispers, “Don Corlesi.. I am going to put an end to the drug flow.. And this bullS#$% of killing women and children.. Weed is the only drug you allow..”
“Weed don hur no one,” Louie is wide eyed.. “What da F@#$ Soldier..” Louie raises Octavius’s hand and removes Octavius’s left glove, “Holy S#$%!!”
Octavius puts back on the glove, “Mr. Corlesi..”
Two briefcases are brought in..
Louie opens the briefcases, “What da F#$% is this..” Louie takes out a document, “Dis .. Dis is the list of ..” Louie is wide eyed, “This is a list of..”
“Undercovers in the bosses organization,” Octavius looks through the mask eyes.. “The boss does not like human trafficking..”
Louie is wide eyed, “Kid.. You a soldier.. But.. De mask S#$%..”
“Fed’s cant track me if they dont know who I am,” Octavius smiles.. Taking the card out of the other brief case, “This is a new credit card.. What if I told you I can make sure the Feds cant track the BOSS anymore via finances..”
“Da boss would.. He would,” Louie slides the card up.. “You a soldier making his move.. The don..”
“My first payment to the Don for the families operations I know run.. The feds do not have the ability yet to track the funds..” Octavius grins evilly as he snaps his fingers..
Clean clothes are brought out by a masked kid.. Respectfully another masked kid stands behind Louie..
“I had a car brought around for you.. One of mine.. Clean.. “ Octavius grins, “A plane is waiting for you at LAX..”
Louie turns as the two guest hare drenched in Alcohol.. A masked woman injects a struggling Pam..
“I.. I a.. Am..” Pam passes out..
The female repeats the process on the last undercover..
Coldly turning, Octavius stops at the door as Louie and the other hitters watch.. “You all need to leave.. It is about to become unsafe here in Cali for a few weeks..”
“Not safe.. What are you going to do,” Louie is wide eyed?
“Wipe out all of the competition..” Octavius smiles, “We are still in the middle of the Second mob war.. Decades before the rumbles of a third one..”
“Leave H. H. alone..” A texas Accent fills the air, “All right class.. Quiet down..”
A kid with a sad face takes a deep breath as several of the kids glare at him..
“So what started this,” The teacher looks at one of the bigger kids?
“HH said we where stupid.. “ A dumb sounding kid spoke, “If I went back in time I would bet on sports games.. Like marty McFly did..or Stocks.. ”
“You mean Biff,” HH speaks.. “Mrs. Towler.. I told Ed that he would be broke in a few years.. He did not earn the money.. He would be robbed by those beneath him..”
“Please.. I would deal with them..” The bigger kid pointed at HH.. “Loke your plan would work.. USe advanced technology to build an empire.. The criminals would wipe you out cry baby. Pose as a mobster.. Limited Resources and scarcity with diminishing returns.”
Mrs. Towler smiled, “Well.. I am surprised you are having an economics conversation.. Ed.. That is why the coach put you in this class.. You need to learn the basics of money..”
“Please.. When I make the NFL I will have a money manager,” Ed spoke confidently.. “I run.. I only need to focus on the game..”
One of the teachers came into the classroom, “Janie.. Turn the TV on..”
“Mrs. Johns..” Mrs. Towler looks up, “Will we get reception.. HH.. Can you get the TV to work..”
HH walks past several kids who make weird faces at him.. Mumbling to himself, “not if I got them first.. “
“Pu$$y,” Ed whispers.. “Like you would ever be able to fake being a made man..”
HH turns on the TV and checks the cable running into the back.. Playing with one of the Cables, “Here you go.. I think it should..”
The sound and video turns on..
“The Governor of California, George Deukmejian, has officially called out the national guard,” The reporter and camera man duck behind a wall..”A massive Gang war has broken out in the streets of LA. SWAT units and poli.”
“We aint going down like dogs.. You tink the popo’s,” A sniper round kills the gang banger in red..
“F#$% me,” The next round ices the gangbanger in blue..
In the back ground a huge explosion is followed by flames and smoke rising into the air..
Several of the Members of the combined gangs are gunned down by fully dressed SWAT.. The students in the classroom swallow hard as they watch the gun battle..
HH looks at the screen and then at ed.. He shakes his head, “Nah..”
“...declared martial law.. Those helicopters are part of the national guard un,” The reporter is hit by bullets..
Mrs. Towler quickly turns off the television, “Crap..” Looking at her class, “This… This a historical moment.. I will let your parents explain ..” HH closes his eyes, “HH.. I do apologize.. “
Everyone is whispering..
A well dressed woman peeks inside the classroom, “Mrs. Towler.. Erica Pierce.. I am .. I need to speak with little H.H.”
“Can you watch these kids for a minute..” Mrs. Towler sees Mrs. Johns nod yes, “H.H.”
H.H. just walks out in front of Mrs. Towler..
H.H. sees an older well dressed man and pauses, “Uncle Teddy?” H.H. ‘s eyes go wide at the in shape man, “Mrs. Pierce.. You found my uncle..”
“Kid I just found out my sister died.. I was traveling the US trying to find myself..” Uncle Teddy smiled, “I immediately came back to town..”
H.H. hugs his uncle, “You.. You got my letters.. I sent them to your PO Box like you said..”
“I got them,” The meticously dressed Redson looked at Mrs. Towler.. “Who is this?”
Mrs. Towler blushes and sticks out her hand, “Janie Towl.. Towler.. I am glad.. Glad..” Mrs. Towler shakes her head and stops looking at redson in the eye.. “I am Little HH’s econ teacher.. And I am his homeroom teacher.. Your his Uncle Teddy Redson..”
Mrs. Pierce coughs subtlely, “Mr. Redson.. I see this is your nephew.. If I understand correctly your sister left you her old house.. “
“We will be staying at a hotel.. I am going to renovate the house and rent it out…” Teddy grinned, “My real estate agent has several houses we are going to need to look at..” Hitting HH on the arm, “Your going to have to go looking with me.. The first house is old man Gentsons..”
“Mama looked at that house..” HH sounded excited, “Before she got sick.. She.. She wanted to sell ours.. And move in there.. “
“So you want me to just put an offer on that big empty house,” Teddy grinned.. “Some repairs have to be done.. “
“Mrs. Redson should love that house,” Janie Towler tried to be slick..
“Uncle Teddy is single,” HH responded.. “Oh..” After a few more seconds, “Wait.. I.. I am going home with Uncle TEDDY!!”
Mrs. Pierce smiled, “If that is what you want.. I will report to the judge that this visit..”
“Mrs. Pierce.. Judge Schmidt approved it earlier today.. He is an old family friend,” Teddy grinned.. “Now you are going to have to bring that husband of yours for our housewarming party.. I have already invited the Judge.. Tell Waid I’ll make sure we have his favorite beer..”
Mrs. Pierce hit Teddy in the arm, “You remember Waid.. From school.. He said you knew each other..”
“I have not forgot,” Teddy grinned evilly..
One of the other Teachers stuck his head out of his classroom, “Janie.. “ Seeing Teddy he walks out of the classroom.. “Teddy..” The two shake hands as HH gets a loo on his face..
“Mr. Wesson..” Teddy hits the man in the arm, “I am screwing with you.. “
Instinctually Paul hugs Janie, “You are back in town.. To pick up your nephew..” Paul rubs HH’s hair getting a pissed off look from HH.. “The news man.. My class is watching it.. The Governors of Arizona, Nevada, and Oregon have called out their NG units..”
Teddy whistles, “D@#$..Pardon my language.. IS it getting that bad?”
“The gang war is threatening to spill over to their states..” Paul catches the coldness from Janie,”I hope we are still on for dinner baby..”
Politely smiling, “We will talk later..” Janie towler takes a deep breath, “I have to get back to my class.. HH.. I am glad your Uncle found you..” Looking at Mr. Redson she sticks out her hand, “Ot is nice to meet you Teddy..”
Shaking her hand back, “I will need to speak with you later Mrs. Towler..” Seeing Pauls face, “Relax old dog.. I have to review my nephews school work..” An Evil smirk crosses Teddy’s face for half a second, “I hope to see you in church tonight Paul.. You to Mrs. Pierce..” Seeing the two of them recoil..”I have changed since we last saw each other..”
“Wait.. You found baby jesus,” HH gets a look on his face..
Teddy kneels in Front of HH, “You wont believe me if I told you.. Lets say the universe is vast.. I have in my darkest hour my faith has got me through a lot.. I am not going to preach to you.. You will have to go to church.. Sunday mornings and evenings.. And every wensday night.. IT is good discipline building to have all your clothes and chores down.. Around a tight schedule..”
Janie smiles and speaks out, “Dawn goes to the same church.. Her father is Deacon and business manager.. We do.. “
“No preaching,’ HH looks at Teddy.. “From you or bible thumping?”
Nope.. I hate that crap..” Teddy stands up slowly, “You need the good influences in your life.. So you do not end up at bars and strip clubs..”
“Stop by Mr.Redson.. After school today,” Janie goes back into the classroom..
“The national guard is in a street by street fight,” A different reporter’s voice filled the air.. “This is a battle for the soul of the american people.. Stay tuned.. We will bring you up to date reports on what is being called the battle for California..”
“Mr. President.. Project Morloch might can help,” Agent Blackstone takes a deep breath.. “Mr. President.. We .. I understand sir..”
Wearing a single star, Rita picks up another phone.. “Mr. President.. Brigadier General Blackstone.. Sir.. Let me be clear.. I know several people are filtering the information you are recieving.. Sir.. I do not care.. This is exactly why you formed Project Morloch.. Sir the issue here is tactical.. Sir no offense.. The people you have advising you do NOT know what they are dealing with.. You can NOT handle this like you did earlier in your career in california..”
“Brigadier General Blackstone,” Agent Blackstone growled.. “This is the president of the United States..”
Looking at her father, “First kill the god D@#$ news feed.. Second shut off water and electricity.. Third withdraw the national guard to the military bases.. Four have the bases serve as forward commands for the National guard. Five set up safe zones for the Families of the dependants.. Six have special forces go with marines and retrieve family members.. Draft the JSOC members into the NAtional Guard..”
Laughter came from the phone.. Reagan’s voice filled the, “George recommended the very same thing.. He recommended we use all our assets to stop this. As is the JCS...”
“Sir.. Project Morloch’s upgraded satilite capabilities can make this like shooting fish in a barrel..” Rita Blackstone paused for a second, “If I have to I will go myself MR. PResident.. We can coordinate our assualts very easily without revealing our new tech sir.. Also.. check EVERYONE going into the Safe Zones sir.. Strip search all of them for drug and weapons.”
“I will not set up camps,” Reagan’s voice was clear.. “How soon can our.. Our edge be deployed..”
“Now Mr. President.. The issue will only be the ground units doing exactly what they are told..” Brigidier General Blackstone smiled, “Sir.. We do have a few non leathals we could deploy..”
A buzzing of a disconnect comes from the phone..
“God D#$%,” Agent Blackstone looked at a TV screen outside the office..
“Mr. President..” Brigadier General Blackstone calls out, “Hello.. Mr. President!”
“Rita,” Her father pointed to a screen outside the office.. “My god..They.. They hit the white house..”
Rita just stood there, “That mother F#$%er just.. My god.. He had Reagan killed..”
“I take it that this was not supposed to happen either,” Agent Blackstone was pissed.. “What is Octavius up to?”
“Brigadier General Blackstone,” The Blackman sans his MAGA hat swallowed hard.. “NSA just got this SIGNET in.. You are going to want to hear this.. They are say it is going out over radio..”
“Play it Lt. Freeman,” Agent Blackstone growls..
An electronic voice comes from a computer, “ We are the Weather Underground.. We will no longer tolerate the attacks ordered by our government on our brown brother and sisters. We stand in solidarity.. We must destroy the military industrial complex.. As-salāmu ʿalaykum, Comrades of the socialist movement! Comrades of the Jihad.”
“Why would he use the Weather undergrou.. F#$% me.. Lt.. Check on the future POTUSs,” Brigadier General Blackstone got worried..
They watched as the new satilites brought up a display..
“Mam.. They are all safe,” Lt. Freeman shook his head.. “Octavius just turned Reagan into a martyr..”
“Any reports on the weapon system used to hit the white house,” Agent Blackstone shook his head?
“Dad.. Ask for the time index..” Rita hits the Lt. on the back as others are at stations, “Time index on the launch..”
The screen shows the time as the computer people go backwards and follow a path..
On the screen three catapults appeared..
“You have to be S#$%ting me.. Catapults.. He has knowledge of future technology and goes primative,” Agent Blackstone hits an ear piece, “General We found the weapons.. We are sending you the photo’s now..”
Brigadier General Blackstone took a deep breath.. She brought up the pictures of a burning white house as another round launched, “Impressive.. Those flames Lt.. White phosphorus with tungsten shards..”
“Have the Jets destroy them now,” Agent Blackstone growled.. “Yes a second round is coming..” Agent Blackstone paused as the balls hit and exploded…
“Mam..” Lt. Freeman whispered, “Octavius just F#$%ed a lot of things.. But he may have a purpose..”
“Explain,” Agent Blackstone paused..
“Sir.. Where we come from the political environment was highly.. Charged.. There was a lot of theories about the source of the problem..” Lt. Freeman took a deep breath, “This links three problems.. Terrorism, Economics, and Politics.. It will be several generations before the socialist ideas dare show there heads.. Octavius just charged the environment.. IF Regan is dead.. The republicans will trounce the democrats..”
A woman walked in the building with tears on her face.. She was dressed professionally, “There was a car accident in Arkansas.. The governors wife was injured..” Swallowing hard, “There are reports that they found.. Found propaganda from the weather Underground in her car.. He tried to kill Hillary!!”
“Julie,” Rita Blackstone had to sit down.. “Let me see the reports..”
“We have to stop this,” Julie handed a pad over to the Brigadier General..
Lt. Freeman laughs, “No mam.. We can not interfere.. We are going to find out if Bernie can take Donald Trump..”
The group in the command center from the future were quietly discussing things..
“This is bad,” Agent Blackstone watched the conversations.. “Rita darling..”
Brigadier General Blackstone had her fist balled up as she heard the conversations.. “All of you shut the F#$% up!”
Everyone went quiet..
“We live in the here and now..” Brigadier General Blackstone watched the different screens, “First we need to figure out who Octavius really is..”
Lt. Freeman took a deep breath, “Mam.. We have chatter.. Looks like we are going to get an early kick off to the war on terror.. The CIA is reporting..” Reading his screen, “ Several terrorist networks are supporting the Weather Undergrounds actions..” Taking a deep breath, “F#$%.. Mam.. The Russian Ambassador is having a press conference..”
“S#$%.. This might be war,” Agent Blackstone took a deep breath..
“Janie.. It is ok.. You can call me Teddy.. Mr. Redson is so formal,” Teddy smiled.. “So what has my nephew got into trouble for..”
Mrs. Towler blushed for a second, “Uhm.. Teddy.. He was not doing ok before his mother died.. He was sent into.. Well..”
“HH did not have the tools to emotionally adjust to the loss of his mother.. “ Teddy closed his eye, “When my mother died I did not either.. A good teacher tried her best to keep me on the right path.. I got a love of history from her.. Right path, not so much.”
“You know.. It is so funny you say that..” Janie smiled again, “My degree is in history.. I have recommended several books.. H.H. is a big science fiction fan..” Janie sighs, “He likes me.. I should not have given him that new book by S.M.Stirling.. I was trying to encourage him.. He got a puppy dog look in his eyes.. I want you to know I would not..”
“Marching through Georgia,” Teddy smiled.. “The new book by Stirling.. I love it.. Are you a star wars fan by chance?”
“You read it,” Janie blushes! “May the force be with you..”
“You are a big geek..” Teddy smiled, “In my younger days I had a crush on an older woman.. She was a big Heinlein fan.. She got married to a loser.. Always thought if I got the chance I would roll the dice.”
“What was her favorite book,” Janie asked coily..
“She used to be a librarian.. She ..” Teddy was looking into Janie’s eyes, “Her favorite book was Stranger in a strange land.. I read it multiple times.. I never had the heart to..”
“That is so much a small world, I started as a librarian..And That is MY favorite book,” Janie shakes her head.. “Paul hates science fiction.. What is your favorite book..”
“Time enough for love,” Teddy softly smiles..”I am so with Lazusus Long.. Screw the critics..”
Janie tosses her hair, “I know.. “ Taking a deep breath, “We are getting off the subject.. “ Janie looks deeply into Teddy’s eyes, “It is funny I feel like I know you Mr…. Teddy.. “
H.H. walks into the room followed by a young lady.. “Dawn.. The Jaguar belongs to my uncle..”
An older man walks in, “Mr. Redson.. H.H. was just telling me that you will be at church tonight..”
“Mr. Burger,” Teddy stands up and sticks his hand out.. As the two men shake, “I.. I know I have a past in this town.. I turned over a new leaf.. I have a nephew to raise..”
“Teddy..” The large white man smiled, “That is the past.. God took you on a journey.. You look like he took care of you.. And Teddy.. Mr. Burger is what your nephew calls me.. Its Jim..”
“Well I know I am a member is bad standing.. The good lord has taken care of me through hardship and joy.. Mr. Burger.. Jim.. I am hoping me and my nephew are welcome.. He was telling me that saturday you are having a bake sale.. “
“To repair the Fellowship halls roof,” Jim Burger smiled as he sniffed out something.. “We are trying to raise ..”
Teddy reached into his sports coat and took out a checkbook, “I wrote the check for the church as soon as he told me.. Twenty thousand dollars..”
“That is to much, “ Jim took the check.. He got a look o his face..
“I made some good money in the commodities market.. I invested in a few businesses with it.. I am a silent partner with several gas distribution companies..” Teddy smiled, “The church did so much for my sister and my nephew..” Teddy closed Jims hand, “God takes care of those who take care of his people.. And vice versus.. If you try to give it back to me I will ..”
“Teddy.. Your a changed man.. I see god has moved in your life,”Jim put a hand on Teddy’s shoulder.. “Dont go getting your feathers ruffled.. Your definately Teddy.. “
“You have enough time to go cash it.. And to get the money into the Church’s accounts..” Teddy smiled, “Now.. I..” Looking at a rolex watch, “I have to go get My nephew some new clothes.. So we are dressed appropriately for church..”
HH got a look on his face..
“Tell you what Ms. Burger.. If your dad is ok with it.. Perhaps we can run to the mall real quick.. JC penny, Dillards, and Macys are open..” Looking at Janie, “Perhaps you can ride with Mrs. Towler.. If HH is anything like me at his age.. Shopping with him is a pain in the arse..”
“Uncle Teddy.. My clothes are ok,” HH got a look on his face..
“Daddy.. Can I please go to the mall with Mrs. Towler and Mr. Redson,” Dawn was excited..
“If Mrs. Towler goes,” Jim smiled at his daughter.. “We are having potluck tonight so no food after four little girl..”
“My car is low on gas,” Mrs. Towler sighed.. “I would love to continue our conversation..”
“Least I can do for multitasking a woman on a teacher’s salary..”Taking out his keys, “You drive the Jaguar.. I will drive your car to the gas station and fill it..”
Dawn is wide eyed as Janie catches the keys..
“I.. I am not on your insurance,” Janie bites her lip..
“Please.. I only paid five thousand for the body.. Then four thousand for the parts and labor..” Teddy grinned, “If anything happens the car is fully insured.. I will do the same thing again..”
Jim nodds in approval..
“Then.. After church we have to to our hotel room.. I am renting a room at the four seasons..” Teddy shook his head, “It will take a few months.. I only rented it for a week..”
Jim shook his, “You cant live at a hotel, HH needs a stable home.. Hum..”
“Do you have a room I can rent.. Well two rooms,” Teddy spoke.. “I can pay for all four months..”
“We do have the mother in law house.. You and mama were talking about renting it out..” Dawn spoke, “Mama said she was fixing it up first..”
“That is right,” Jim spoke.. “I will talk with the missus..We can work something out Teddy..”
HH’s eyes sparkle..