Mario Kart: Train Circuit June 2024
Characters/Vehicle Bodies
Mario/B-Dasher (Kart) Luigi Peach Daisy Toad Yoshi Rosalina Bowser Donkey Kong Shy Guy Koopa Troopa Wario Waluigi Dry Bones Toadette Petey Piranha Baby Mario Baby Luigi Bowser Jr. Funky Kong Birdo Diddy Kong King Boo The Koopalings Pauline Nabbit Kamek Hammer Bro ROB Mii
Trophy Ceremony
The Top 3 Racers drive through Train Circuit with crowns on their heads. The player in 3rd has a Copper Crown, the player in 2nd has a Silver Crown, and the player in 1st has a Golden Crown. There are Toads, Koopa Troopas, Piantas, Lumas, Boneteers and Onorans cheering the Top 3 on from the sidelines. The Cheep Cheep Blimp is floating above the finish line and Lakitu awards the player the Trophy. The Player has the option of Saving/Quitting to the menu, retrying the cup, or to view a replay of one of the four tracks.
Character Unlocked! - Cutscene
The Character you have unlocked is freed from a Jail Cell. A jingle plays, and the game tells you how you unlocked the character.
Train Mode
Trains have 2 characters and 3 extra carts. There are no coins in Train Mode. Trains gain more speed from train parts. Trains only have blue mini turbos. Trains have lower gravity. There are 16 types of Trains. Trains cannot be used in Time Trials. Beating a cup in train mode gives you the same results for the cup in Standard Mode (Karts and Bikes.) Trains have whistles that can stun other players. Trains can only hold 1 item. Trains play a Remix of Super Mario Bros Course Clear when you win a race. Trains play a Remix of the Classic Game Over theme when you lose a race. Trains play a remix of the 1-Up sound when passing a racer.
Karts have good Weight And Traction. Only Karts can perform Ultra Mini Turbos. Bikes have good Handling and Acceleration. ATVs have good weight and traction. ATVs, Bikes, and Trains only have Blue Mini Turbos. Trains have good Speed and Weight.
Swing Hooks
Swing Hooks are a new mechanic in Mario Kart Train Circuit. Your kart automatically attaches to a claw swing when touching it. The farther down you press on a rope swing the farther you go. Swing Hooks can be tricked off of.
Lakitu’s Pit Stop & Shop!
Your one-stop shop to purchase Vehicles Parts using the coins you’ve collected in races! Here you can also customize your emblem and customize your Vehicle combo for races and battles!
Vehicle Emblems
You can add emblems to your Karts, Bikes, ATVs and Trains. You can customize the colors, the size of the pixels, use an eraser, and view your vehicle from many angles!
Items
Banana Peel Triple Banana Peel Mushroom Triple Mushroom Green Shell Triple Green Shell Red Shell Triple Red Shell Fire Flower Super Star Bob-omb Bullet Bill Spiny Shell Mega Mushroom Fake Item Box Crazy Eight Lighting Super Horn Boo Piranha Plant Boomerang Flower Bob-omb Shell Double Cherry Ice Flower Super Crown
Mushroom Cup
Train Circuit Cascade Canyon Koopa Troopa Park Toad Cafe
Flower Cup
Fruity Falls Cocoa Kingdom Tostarena Ruins Shy Guy Circus
Star Cup
Luigi Stadium DK Savanna Demolition Dirtway Volbono Peaks
Special Cup
New Donk City Starlight Village Bowser’s Castle Rainbow Road
Shell Cup
DS Mario Circuit GBA Riverside Park Wii U Thwomp Ruins Wii Toad’s Factory
Banana Cup
SNES Vanilla Lake 2 3DS Shy Guy Bazaar GCN Mushroom City Wii U Sunshine Airport
Leaf Cup
3DS Rock Rock Mountain/Alpine Pass Wii Dry Dry Ruins N64 Wario Stadium GCN Bowser’s Castle
Lighting Cup
Wii DK Summit Wii U Electrodrome 3DS Maka Wuhu/Wuhu Island Loop GBA Rainbow Road
Shine Cup
Wii U Super Bell Subway DS Shroom Ridge Bianco Hills Shadow Play Street
Bell Cup
Wii Koopa Cape SNES Bowser Castle 1 Shangri Spa Nintendo Land
Battle Modes/Stages
Balloon Battle Coin Runners Shine Thief Shine Runners Bob-omb Blast Renegade Roundup Thunder Chase
Wario’s Casino Bowser’s Galleon Comet Observatory Hotel Delfino Mario’s Skatepark ———————— N64 Double Deck GCN Tilt-a-Kart Wii Funky Stadium 3DS Honeybee Hive NS Dragon Palace
Story Mode
When all of the Mario Kart racers get turned into Trophies, it’s up to Mario and friends to save them! Travel across the world to complete missions, collect Trophy Coins, and fight many foes!
Mission Ranks:
3 Trophy Coins (Excellent) 2 Trophy Coin (Super) 1 Trophy Coin (Good) A Rank (OK) B Rank (Bad) C Rank (Very Bad) D Rank (Terrible)
World 1: Peach’s Castle - Goomboss World 2: Tostarena Town - Knuckletoc World 3: Delfino Plaza - Petey Piranha World 4: Metro Kingdom - Mechawiggler World 5: Mount Volbono - Cookatiel World 6: Bowser’s Kingdom - Bowser World 7: Rosalina’s Observatory
50 Missions, 6 Bosses, 168 Trophy Coins
Peach’s Castle:
Train Circuit DS Mario Circuit Cascade Canyon Mario’s Skatepark GBA Riverside Park Wii Toad’s Factory N64 Double Deck Goomboss Battle
Tostarena Town:
Tostarena Ruins Wii Dry Dry Ruins 3DS Shy Guy Bazaar GCN Tilt-a-Kart Fruity Falls N64 Wario Stadium Koopa Troopa Park Knuckletoc Battle
Delfino Plaza:
Bianco Hills Wario’s Casino Wii Koopa Cape Hotel Delfino Nintendo Land 3DS Maka Wuhu Wii U Sunshine Airport Petey Piranha Battle
Metro Kingdom:
New Donk City Shadow Play Street DS Shroom Ridge Demolition Dirtway Toad Cafe Wii U Super Bell Subway GCN Mushroom City Mechawiggler Battle
Mount Volbono:
Volbono Peaks Shy Guy Circus 3DS Honeybee Hive Cocoa Kingdom Wii Funky Stadium SNES Vanilla Lake 2 3DS Rock Rock Mountain Cookatiel Battle
Bowser’s Kingdom :
Bowser’s Castle Bowser’s Galleon Wii U Electrodrome SNES Bowser Castle 1 Wii U Thwomp Ruins GCN Bowser’s Castle Luigi Stadium King Bowser Battle
Rosalina’s Observatory:
Shangri Spa NS Dragon Palace Wii DK Summit Comet Observatory DK Savanna Starlight Village Rainbow Road GBA Rainbow Road
Collect ___ Coins! Defeat Beat ___ in a Reverse Race! Beat the track in under ___ Seconds! Drive through ___ Rings! Destroy ___ Item Boxes! Perform ___ Mini Turbos in 1 Lap! Trick off ___ Ramps! Get 1st Place Without Drifting! Avoid every Item Box! Glide at least ____ Feet! Find 5 Green Stars in under ___ Seconds! Boss Fight
Unlockables
Star Cup - Win the Mushroom and Flower Cup
Special Cup - Win the Star Cup
Leaf Cup - Win the Shell and Banana Cup
Lightning Cup - Win the Leaf Cup
Shine Cup - Earn a Star Rank on every Nitro Cup
Bell Cup - Earn a Star Rank on every Retro Cup
Mirror Mode - Win every 50, 100, and 150cc Cup
200cc - Score a Star Rank on every 150cc Cup
Gold Mario - Score a Star Rank on every Mirror Mode Cup
Golden Standard/Golden Bike/Golden ATV/Golden Express - Win every 200cc Cup
Golden Wheels - Unlock a Super Fast Staff Ghost in all 40 Tracks
Golden Glider - Collect 5000 Coins
Characters
Daisy - Collect 30 Trophy Coins Baby Mario - Collect 45 Trophy Coins Baby Luigi - Collect 60 Trophy Coins Diddy Kong - Collect 75 Trophy Coins Funky Kong - Collect 90 Trophy Coins Shy Guy - Collect 105 Trophy Coins Rosalina - Collect 120 Trophy Coins Koopa Troopa - Collect 135 Trophy Coins Waluigi - Collect all 168 Trophy Coins Toadette - Earn a Star Rank on every 50cc Nitro Cup. Dry Bones - Earn a Star Rank on every 50cc Retro Cup. Petey Piranha - Win the 100cc Shine Cup. Kamek - Win the 50cc Special Cup. Birdo - Win the 50cc Lightning Cup. Hammer Bro - Win the 100cc Bell Cup. King Boo - Earn a Star Rank on every 100cc Cup. Bowser Jr. - Earn a Star Rank on all 150cc Nitro Cups. The Koopalings - Earn a Star Rank on all 150cc Retro Cups. Pauline - Earn a Star Rank in every Mirror Mode Cup. Sprixie Fairy - Play 1000 Races/Have a Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury Save File and win 300 Races. Nabbit - Earn 3000 VR Points/Play 50 Battles. ROB - Earn 4000 VR Points/Play 100 Battles. Mii - Earn 5000 VR Points/Play 200 Battles.
Vehicles
32 Karts/Bikes/ATVs/Trains for each character 14 returning vehicle bodies
20 Wheels 32 Gliders for each character
VS Mode/Battle Mode Customization
VS
-Character
-Kart/Bike/ATV, Wheels, Glider
-Items
-Standard Mode/Train Mode
-50cc/100cc/150cc/Mirror Mode/200cc
-Standard WeatheDay/Night/Rain/Sunset
-Timer
-Laps (1/2/3/4/5/8/10/20/25/30/40/45/50)
-Easy CPU/Medium CPU/Hard CPU/No CPU
-4 Racers, 8 Racers, 12 Racers, 24 Racers
-Choose Tracks/Random Tracks/Tracks in Order
-Tracks (1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 12, 20, 24, 30, 32, 40)
-Racer Size (Standard/Mega Size/Lightning Size)
-Elimination Mode (On/Off) player in last stops playing)
-Reverse Race (On/Off)
Battle
-Character
-Kart/Bike/ATV, Wheels, Glider
-Items
-Standard Mode/Train Mode
-Standard WeatheDay/Night/Rain/Sunset
-Easy CPU/Medium CPU/Hard CPU/No CPU
-4 Racers, 8 Racers, 12 Racers, 24 Racers
-Choose Stages/Random Stages/Stages in Order
-Stages (1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 12, 20, 24, 30, 32, 40)
-Racer Size (Standard/Mega Size/Lightning Size)
-Timer (30 Seconds/1 Minute/2 Minutes/3 Minutes/4 Minutes/5 Minutes/10 Minutes/Off)
-Balloon Battle/Coin Runners/Renegade Roundup/Shine Thief/Bob-omb Blast/Shine Runners/Thunder Chase/Random Battle

(Main Series) Friendship is Magic #1-4 The Return of Queen Chrysalis (Major Storyline)
Main Characters - Mane 6, CMC, Chrysalis
Summary - Queen Chrysalis has returned, replaced all the citizens of Ponyville with changelings, and kidnapped the CMC. Will the our heroes be able to stop her before it is too late? Or will rising tensions between the friends spell out their doom?
Quick Review - A worthy introduction to the comics with some fun character moments. Any comic drawn by Andy Price is worth checking out for the art alone. Chrysalis literally throws a kitten at a wall and it explodes into blood. 6/10
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FiM #5-8 Nightmare Rarity (Major) (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Rarity, Mane 6, Luna, Spike
Summary - Rarity is overcome by insecurity and the fear that she doesn't provide enough to the group, and allows herself to be corrupted by Nightmare. As her friends rush to save her, Luna must overcome her own guilty past in order to defeat it again in the present.
Quick Review - Nightmare Rarity's design is superb. So are the moon denizens. Katie Cook's writing style can lean into the absurd sometimes, but she knows how to do an emotional moment. We see how Luna earned her flowing mane. Spike saves the day. Trixie gets a few lines. 8/10
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FiM #9-10 Zen and the Art of Gazebo Repair (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Big Mac
Summary - Big Mac has to find nails to fix his gazebo during the Summer Wrap-Up festival. But the world has other plans for him.
Quick Review - Big Mac plays a wonderful comedic straight man. Seriously, the comic is hilarious, the art is amazing, and Big Mac is a chad. Dude has to fight off like four different mares fawning over him, including Luna. He just wants to repair his gazebo, for god's sake. 9/10
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FiM #11-12 (Neigh Anything)
Characters - Cadance, Shining Armor, Biff Tannen
Summary - Discover the romantic tale of how Cadance and Shining Armor came to be. Can Shining Armor prove himself worthy to Cadance? Will she choose him over High School Gigachad Buck Withers? Probably.
Quick Review - I enjoy it. Not much to say. Shining Armor belts out some Oingo Boingo for Cadance, and lord knows there is nothing more romantic than singing about how much you love little girls. (6.5/10)
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Annual 2013: Equestria Girls (The Fall of Sunset Shimmer)
Characters - Sunset Shimmer, Celestia
Summary - Sunset Shimmer is a magical prodigy. But Celestia will not further her teachings, because despite her prowess, the young sorcerer has much to learn. Sunset believes otherwise.
Quick Review - To everyone clamoring for a proper Sunset backstory and motivation I am proud to announce that this is not it. It's unbelievably vague and generic. It pains me as a massive Shimmerfriend. Also, all the human designs look like ayy lmaos. More so than the show. Hopefully they pick it up in the next EqG comic... (3/10)
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FiM #13-14 (My Little Pirate)
Characters - Fluttershy, Mane 6, Hoofbeard
Summary - Fluttershy has become too attached to a fish she rescued, and regrets letting it go. So when a dangerous pirate arrives looking for a crew, she take it is an opportunity to reunite with her fish. Also a pirate adventure thing, Hoofbeard seeks a treasure behind a perilous journey.
Quick Review - Utterly forgettable. I really cannot be bothered to reread it for a review. It was okay I think? (5/10)
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FiM #15-16 (The Book Worm)
Characters - Twilight, Mane 6
Summary - A magical bookworm begins devouring his way through Twilight's library. That wouldn't be such an issue (except to Twilight), if the characters from to books didn't begin popping up in the real world. Now Twilight and co must take down the bookworm in it's own domain: The Realm of Books.
Quick Review - I like Pinkie's fantasy world. Another just okay one. Lotta references to other media. Marvel, LoTR, Disney shlock, you get the idea. The void had some solid character moments for Twilight and Rainbow. (6/10)
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Friends Forever #1: Pinkie & Applejack
Characters - Take a guess
Summary - In the issue, Applejack and Pinkie Pie enter a baking contest, and culinary hijinks ensue.
Quick Review - Rough start for FF. Predictable and silly. Art here is really not good. However, it does have Guy Fieri pony. (3/10)
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Friends Forever #2: CMC & Discord (Highly Recommended)
Characters - CMC, Discord
Summary - Discord takes the crusaders to increasingly dangerous dimensions in their search for a cutie mark.
Quick Review - This one is super sweet. Some of the best Discord showing in the series. The CMC being some of the only ponies to understand and show gratitude towards Discord for his effort is so damn heartwarming. (8/10)
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Friends Forever #3: Celestia & Spike (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Celestia, Spike
Summary - Spike wants to get Twilight something nice for her birthday, but the gift he settled on turns out to be slightly hard to come by. He enlists Celestia's help in getting the gift for her student, a gift found deep in the dangerous Crystal Mountains.
Quick Review - By far my favorite portrayal of Celestia. Lot of nice and touching dialogue between her and Spike, and some insight on Celestia's mindset as a ruler and teacher. Shame they went further down the "Celestia is an incompetent and petty klutz" route later on. (8/10)
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FiM #17-20 (Reflections) (Major) (Recommended)
Characters - Mane 6, Celestia, Starswirl, Sombra
Summary - Celestia has been secretly visiting another dimension for quite some time. A world where good is evil, and evil is good, and she has fallen madly in love with the benevolent King Sombra. A world where she and Luna are villains threatening to take over both dimensions. And it's all her fault.
Quick Review - This one is super polarizing. For me, it's a collection of great ideas utilized poorly. The mirror dimension is a very interesting concept that I wish would be re explored. And i'm content with all the characters. But the climax, touching as it maybe, kinda dampens this one for me. Still, (7/10)
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Friends Forever #4: Twilight & Shining Armor
Characters - ^^^^^
Summary - Twilight Sparkle is worried her and Shiny have drifted apart since their foalhoods. An opportunity presents itself to rekindle when her and Shining Armor team up to catch a ghost that haunts the Crystal Empire palace.
Quick Review? - Turns out, there are a lot of FF comics, and a lot of them are pretty inconsequential. There are only so many times I can say, "It was cute. I liked it." before that gets redundant. So unless I have something more to say, i'm gonna reduce these to just Rating and Summary. Pretty good tho. (6/10)
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Friends Forever #5: Fluttershy & Zecora
Summary - Fluttershy and Zecora try to figure out why Fluttershy can suddenly hear her animal friends talk. Spoilers: It was Discord. Go figure.
Rating - (4/10)
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Friends Forever #6: Rainbow Dash & Trixie
Summary - Rainbow Dash is called upon by a newly crowned Queen Trixie to perform for a kingdom of Diamond Dogs. Turns out being Queen isn't all its cracked up to be.
Rating - I mean, it's got Trixie. (6/10)
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FiM #21-22 (Manehattan Mysteries) (Recommended)
Characters - CMC, Babs, Trixie, AJ, Rarity
Summary - Doesn't need one. Trixie and Babs are in it. Go read it.
Quick Review - The relationship between Babs and Trixie here and they parallels they draw from each other are pretty great. I always love those kinds of strange character interactions. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #7: Pinkie & Luna
Summary - Princess Luna seeks Pinkie Pie's help in making ponies laugh so she can participate in a Royal Event.
Rating - (6/10)
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Friends Forever #8: Applejack & Rarity
Summary - Typical Rarijack episode, road trip edition.
Rating - It introduces those stupid bull cowboys. For that (4/10)
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FiM Issue 23 (Pets to the Rescue)
Characters - Angel, Winona, Opalescence, Owliscious, Gummi, Tank
Summary - When there owners are nowhere to be found, the pets team up and must set out to find their owners and assist them in whatever magical conundrum they may have found themselves in.
Quick Review - I think the villain here would have been really interesting in almost any other scenario. Other than that, minimal dialogue, and the art isn't exceptional, so (5/10)
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Friends Forever #9: Granny & The Flimflam Bros
Summary - Granny Smith helps Flim and Flam patch things up after they have a falling-out over a mare.
Rating - This one is pretty wholesome. (7/10)
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FiM Issue 24 (Discord in Time)
Characters - Discord, CMC, Flutters
Summary - Discord take the CMC and Flutterbutter on an a journey through time to show them some animals. Hijinks ensue.
Quick Review - Another really nice Discord issue. He isn't use to having all these friends and watching out for them in his chaos, so he drags them along in his dangerous adventures. He then immediately forgets this lesson. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #10: Fluttershy & Iron Will (Major)
Summary - Fluttershy helps Iron Will with has marital problems.
Rating - (6/10)
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Friends Forever #11: Rainbow Dash & Spitfire
Summary - Rainbow Dash helps Spitfire overcome her greatest fear: Children.
Rating - Art style is cute, but super jarring. (6/10)
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FiM #25-26 (The Good, the Bad and the Ponies)
Characters - AJ, Mane 6, Bulls
Summary - Doesn't matter.
Quick Review - Don't read this one. Seriously, it's bad. Nothing really makes sense. Applejack has some sort of brain defect. Twilight arbitrarily cannot use her magic on Equestrian citizens. Even when they are dangerous criminals, apparently? (1/10)
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Friends Forever #12: Pinkie & Twilight
Summary - Twilight tries to help Pinkie overcome her harrowing cocaine addiction. When that fails, Twilight starts doing coke herself to make the guilt go away. Pinkie stops doing coke for like five minutes, and Twi considers that a success.
Rating - (4/10)
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Equestria Girls Annual 2014: Holiday Special
Characters - Humane 6, Sunset Shimmer, CMC
Summary - The holidays are nearing, and Sunnybun is feeling pretty down in the dumps. The girls try to cheer her up by inviting over for a few nights of debauchery. This cheers her up a bit. So, the Humane 5 go home on the shortbus and Sunny walks home, finally content with herself. Meanwhile the CMC decide that Sunset is keeping them from spending time with their sisters(?) and start a social media account in her name, called Anon-A-Miss, which they use to spread explicit photos of their sisters from the "sleepovers" and frame Sunset. Everyone in the school begin to tragically suffer from severe mental deficiencies and buy it immediately. Because the chick who just saved all of your sorry asses from soul sucking harlots like a week ago is going to post shit about her friends with her fucking face attached to the account.
Quick Review - I really wish I could shit on this more, but I got quite a bit to get through. (-3/10)
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Friends Forever #13: Rarity & Babs Seed
Summary - In the issue, Rarity must entertain Babs Seed when Sweetie Belle falls ill. Turns out Babs idea of entertainment is different than Rarity's.
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FiM #27-28 (The Root of the Problem) (Major)
Characters - Mane 6, Bramble, King Aspen
Summary - The Everfree spontaneously begins protruding into Ponyville. At the root of this problem, the druid-esque Deers who wish to reclaim the parts of their forest that were lost.
Quick Review - The Deer are really neat, and having them be the night elves of Equestria is a fun concept. But the deer people kind of get the shaft, and most of the story focuses on the avaricious minotuar Well-to-do. (6.5/10)
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Friends Forever #14: Luna & Spike
Summary - In the issue, Princess Luna enlists Spike's help in solving a dragon problem in Fillydelphia.
Rating - Luna and Spike spend three pages together, and the rest of the story is focused on an annoying pink fangirl dragon. (4/10)
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Friends Forever #15: Applejack & Mayor Mare
Summary - In this issue, politics are boring.
Rating - (5/10)
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FiM Issue #29 (Ponymania XXIX)
Characters - Cheerilee, Cherry Blossom
Summary - Cheerilee reunites with her twin sister—one of the most famous wrestlers in Equestria. But when Cherry Blossom gets injured, Cheerilee is forced to take her place in the ring.
Quick Review - As with most Jay Fosgitt's stuff, cute, but a lot of fluff and not much to carry an interesting story. (6/10)
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FIENDship is Magic #1: King Sombra (Major) (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Sombra, Radiant Hope
Summary - Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance discover King Sombra's diary and learn of his rise to power. But before that, how he was a sickly outcast, a troubled young amnesiac whose only friend was the equally strange Radiant Hope, who still had imaginary friends.
Quick Review - Much needed backstory for Sombra, and very well done at that. His connection to Radiant Dawn feels genuine, and his corruption by way of shitty crystal ball is absolutely tragic. My dude just wanted to go the Crystal Faire ): Also Princess Amore fucking dies. (9/10)
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FIENDship is Magic #2: Tirek (Recommended)
Characters - Tirek, Scorpan, Sendak
Summary - Tirek, young and ambitious, sneaks out of his royal families castle to visit the unhinged sorcerer Sendak to learn more about magic. Scorpan is worried about his brothers ambitions.
Quick Review - Doesn't add much character depth to Tirek, but it's suitable. Presents a lot of cool ideas not explored as thoroughly as they could be. Leaves a lot up to interpretation and head canon. (7/10)
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FIENDship is Magic #3: Sirens (Non-Canon)
Characters - The Dazzlings, Starswirl
Summary - The fate of the world is determined by a music battle, and if the Dazzlings win, all is lost. This is not Rainbow Rocks.
Quick Review - Not a single character acts in character, and while the other Fiendship issues are take themselves pretty seriously, this one is drastically different tonally and opts for comedy. Which really sucks, because I wanted actual backstories for the Sirens. Humor falls flat as well. (2/10)
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FIENDship is Magic #4: Nightmare Moon
Characters - Nightmare Moon, Nyx (Not that Nyx)
Summary - A recently banished Nightmare Moon attempts exacts revenge on Princess Celestia through the world of dreams. The Nyx, the keepers of the dreams, will not allow it.
Quick Review - I much prefer Nightmare Moon as a manifestation of Luna's negative emotions over depictions a corrupting parasitic entity. Story is serviceable, a bit sad, nothing noteworthy. (6/10)
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FIENDship is Magic #5: Queen Chrysalis (Major)
Characters - Twilight, Chrysalis
Summary - The Mane Six visit the imprisoned Queen Chrysalis, who recounts her past exploits.
Quick Review - Case of unreliable narrator here. Chrysalis implies that changelings are made of pure dark magic, which is an idea I actually quite like, but having them reform like they did would say otherwise. Story is sorta all over, like a Chrysalis anthology short. (6/10)
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Friends Forever #16: Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon
Summary - Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon compete against the Cutie Mark Crusaders in a scavenger hunt.
Rating - Smokin' hot goth pony makes an appearance. (7/10)
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FiM #30-31 (Ponyville Days)
Characters - Rarity, AJ, Twilight
Summary - Civil War over a land dispute or something, can't really be bothered with this one.
Quick Review - As far as I remember, this is one of the issues that gives everyone in Ponyville a crippling case of "has to wear a helmet while outside". Dumbing down characters to make a story work is obnoxious. (3/10)
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Friends Forever #17: Twilight & Big Mac
Summary - Twilight takes a trip into Big Mac's brain to learn how to focus as well as he does.
Rating - (7/10)
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Friends Forever #18: Rainbow Dash & Fluttershy
Summary - Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy go to their flight camp reunion.
Rating - Pretty adorable. (7/10)
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FiM #32-33 (Night of the Living Apples)
Characters - Mane 6, Spike
Summary - Apples take over Ponyville. Our heroes turn into bats. This is not a crackfic.
Quick Review - Batpony designs are pretty damn cool. Story is whatever. (5/10)
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FiM #32-33 (Night of the Living Apples)
Summary - Rarity gets carried away when she goes into business with Mr. and Mrs. Cake.
Rating - (6/10)
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Friends Forever #20: Luna & Discord (Recommended)
Summary - Princess Luna helps Discord when he has trouble sleeping.
Rating - Neat character dynamic. Good stuff for Luna and Discord. (8/10)
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FiM #34-37 (Siege of the Crystal Empire) (Major) (Non-canon) (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Sombra, Mane 6, Chryssi, Umbrums
Summary - A mysterious new villain brings several of the series' past antagonists together to attack the Crystal Empire.
Quick Review - I want to keep my gushing about this one brief. The umbrum design and lore are some of the best things to come out of the comics. This Sombra is infinitely better than the one in the show. I definitely didn't cry at the end because i'm a big boy. (9/10)
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Friends Forever #21: Spike & Zecora
Summary - Spike and Zecora save Ponyville from a disease, and only they are immune.
Rating - (7/10)
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Friends Forever #22: Celestia & Pinkie
Summary - Princess Celestia tasks Pinkie Pie with making the perfect cake for Princess Luna's birthday party.
Rating - Barely any Celestia. (4/10)
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Friends Forever #23: Applejack & Fluttershy
Summary - Applejack and Fluttershy become involved in the search for a legendary creature called the Pigasus. They must keep its existence a secret.
Rating - No Kirin (5/10)
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Friends Forever #24: Rarity & Gilda
Summary - Gilda enlists Rarity's help in designing uniforms for a new sports team in Griffonstone.
Rating - (6/10)
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FiM #38-39 (Don't You Forget About Us)
Characters - CMC, Diamond Tiara, Snips, Snails
Summary - The Cutie Mark Crusaders, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Snips, and Snails become lost in the mountains during a class field trip. AB and Diamond Tiara are forced to learn how to work together.
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Friends Forever #25: Rainbow Dash & Twilight
Summary - Rainbow Dash seeks Twilight Sparkle's help after her wings mysteriously vanish.
Rating - Weird body horror. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #26: Shining Armor & Prince Blueblood
Summary - Shining Armor is forced to work with Prince Blueblood on a diplomatic mission to Yakyakistan.
Rating - Holy shit they made Blueblood redeemable. (8/10)
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FiM Issue #40 (Twilight meets Spike)
Characters - Twilight, Spike
Summary - You know, it's exactly how it sounds.
Quick Review - Very cute. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #27: Pinkie & Granny Smith (Recommended)
Summary - Pinkie Pie offers to help Granny Smith after she breaks her hip right at the start of cider season.
Rating - Precious. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #41 (Rainbow Dash and the Very Bad Day)
Characters - Zecora, Rainbow
Summary - Rainbow Dash is being a c**t, and enrages literally everybody else in Ponyville. In other words, they captured her character just right in this one.
Quick Review - I like rhyme schemes, but I hate bluefast. (4/10)
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Friends Forever #28 Princess Luna and the Cutie Mark Crusaders
Summary - The Cutie Mark Crusaders assist Princess Luna during a foal slumber party at Canterlot Castle.
Rating - I like bone pony. (6/10)
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FiM Issue #42 (A Pinkie Pie Story That Pinkie Pie Kinda Sorta Remembers) (Recommended)
Characters - Rarara, Ponker Po
Summary - Pinker Pop, still cooling off from her ten month long cocaine binge, tries to help Rarity make a gift for a friend very special to her.
Quick Review - Very cute, very funny, cried. (8/10)
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Friends Forever #29 Rarity and Maud Pie
Summary - Rarity assists Maud Pie in her rock science interests and helps her discover her inner enthusiasm.
Rating - Nice Maud character development. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #43-45 (Ponies of Dark Water) (Major) (Recommended)
Characters - Mane 6, Luna, CMC, Spike
Summary - The Mane 6 bathe in cursed waters and become distorted versions of themselves. Pinkie Pie becomes a domestic terrorist.
Quick Review - I like the part where Pinkie bombs a movie theater potentially killing dozens of ponies. Hilarious. (8/10)
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Friends Forever #30 Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance
Summary - Twilight Sparkle helps her sister-in-law Princess Cadance when she suffers from an unexplained lack of self-esteem.
Rating - I quite like this little arc for Cadance. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #31 Rainbow Dash and Little Strongheart
Summary - Little Strongheart seeks Rainbow Dash's help in finding a legendary creature called the Rainbow Crow.
Rating - Little Strongheart, where ya been for six years dude? Beautiful art. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #32 Fluttershy and Daring Do
Summary - Daring Do enlists Fluttershy's help in uncovering an ancient treasure. She must also face her arachnophobia.
Rating - Better than the actual Flutters/Do episode. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #46-47 (Election)
Characters - Twilight, Mayor Mare, Donald Trump
Summary - Mayor Mare struggles in her bid for reelection, against definitely not Donald Trump guys I swear.
Quick Review - Haha I lied, but like I totally got you though right? Like it was super subtle? I bet you didn't even catch on. (5/10)
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Friends Forever #33 Applejack and Cherry Jubilee
Summary - Applejack learns the secret history of Cherry Jubilee.
Rating - Cherry Jubilee is pretty hot. (6/10)
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FiM Issue #48-50 (Chaos Theory) (Major) (Recommended)
Characters - Discord, Starlight, Mane 6
Summary - An astronomical event causes Discord to transform from a creature of chaos to a being of pure order. But not all is at seems with the newly minted Accord.
Quick Review - Starlight gets one arc throughout all of these comics. luckily it's pretty good. She gets some good character growth. Accord is pretty god damn terrifying. Actual sound logic is used to best the villain, which is pretty rare. (8/10)
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Friends Forever #34 Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich
Summary - Pinkie Pie and Cheese are eaten by a possessed party house. Seriously.
Rating - (6/10)
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Friends Forever #35 Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer
Summary - Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer's attempt to organize the books in the Castle of the Two Sisters turns into a battle of egos.
Rating - This would have been much better is not illustrated by Fosgitt. It doesn't suit this more weighty type of story. (7/10)
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Friends Forever #36 Rainbow Dash and Soarin (Recommended)
Summary - Rainbow Dash follows Soarin to a remote location to help him with a dangerous mission.
Rating - Great Soarin and Spitfire moments. (8/10)
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Friends Forever #37 Rarity and Trixie
Summary - Dude, it's got two of the best pones. Read it.
Rating - (7/10)
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FiM Issue #51-53 (From the Shadows) (Major)
Characters - Mane 6, Donut Steel
Summary - The edgiest OC to ever exist begins to erase Equestrian history from books and minds, in fear of his heritage catching up to him.
Quick Review - Super interesting villain motivation, terribly generic villain design. (7/10)
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My Little Pony: Deviations
Characters - Prince Blueblood, Mane 6, Nightmare Moon
Summary - Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Prince Blueblood was sent to Ponyville instead of Twiliight? No? Too bad, dude.
Summary - I would have loved to have gotten more deviations. Read about Blueblood being an arrogant prick for half an hour. It's fine. (6/10)
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Friends Forever #38 Princess Celestia and Princess Luna (Recommended)
Summary - Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's minor squabbling escalates just before they plan to participate in the Sisterhooves Social.
Quick Review - Friends Forever Finale. Andy Price outdoes himself yet again. Hilarious and Heartwarming. (8/10)
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FiM Issue #54 (I Didn't Read This One)
Summary - No seriously, didn't read it. Fosgitt, Fluttershy, fluff, the three F's of i'm going to be fucking bored. Maybe it's a masterpiece. I'll never know.
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FiM Issue #55-56 (Wings Over Yakyakistan)
Characters - Rainbow, Rutherford, Ember, Spike, Pinkie
Summary - When the dragons invade Yakyakistan over an ancient treaty, it's up to heroes to defend the Yaks and try and diffuse the situation. Spike doesn't like the idea of fighting his own kind.
Quick Review - Let it be known that I would have been totally cool with the Yaks getting destroyed. Typical let go of the past, look to the future stuff. Rainbow's parents are here, and they are fun, and Spitfire gets a bit of extra love, so (7/10)
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FiM Issue #57 (Apinkalypse Now)
Characters - Pinkie, Mane 6, Discord
Summary - Pinkie Pie accidentally becomes trapped in Discord's realm. If you wanted to see more of Chaos Pinkie, then here you go.
Quick Review - I really like the how the chaos dimension is shown in the comic, in that adapts to the current owner if they themselves can't be turned. You'll notice by this point the writers will do whatever in their power to make sure Starlight can be written out somehow. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #58 (The Vines That Bind)
Characters - Twi, Flutts, Zecora, Cattail, Aqua Vine
Summary - Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Zecora follow the notes of Mage Meadowbrook search for a flower said to cure any ailment. The search soon becomes an obsession for Twilight, determined to get her name in the history books.
Quick Review - Dude, Twilight, you already saved the world at least seven times. That Magenta Bloom shit would just be a footnote. Overall pretty forgettable. (5/10)
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FiM Issue #59 (Pie in the Sky)
Characters - Rainbow, Pinkie
Summary - Jesus Christ Pinkie she doesn't fucking like pie. We had a whole episode about just this. We didn't need a comic to teach the same lesson. That's a;lso your review. (3/10)
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FiM Issue #60 (The Stars on Our Ponies)
Characters - CMC, Gilded Lily
Summary - The Cutie Mark Crusaders help a filly who doesn't want to follow in her family's footsteps. But she is scared to disappoint them if she does pursue her own interest.
Quick Review - Gilded Lily's design is absolutely adorable. She also looks like she tastes pretty good, like Oranges n' Creme. Solid one-off. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #61-62 (Convocation of the Creatures!) (Major)
Characters - Twilight, Raven
Summary - Twilight Sparkle makes a discovery during the largest assembly of creatures in history that threatens to redraw the map of Equestria.
Quick Review - Glenda canonically has a stutter, making her best changeling. Good bit of overbuilding in this one, without falling into the common trap of making the convocation feel too modern. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #63 (All in Marederation)
Characters - Twilight, Pinkie, Temperance
Summary - Ponyville gets swept by an anti-sugar movement that threatens to put Sugarcube Corner out of business.
Quick Review - MLP's thinly veiled take on the Temperance Movement. Another one where all of Ponyville is turned into exceptional individuals. (4/10)
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FiM Issue #64 (Everything Old) (Recommended)
Characters - Rarity, Fluttershy, Coco Pommel
Summary - Fluttershy and Rarity travel to Manehattan, where Rarity discovers that old, ugly fashions are back in style.
Quick Review - I absolutely adore the message here. Things you made when you were younger that you maybe embarrassed of now don't have to be cast aside and forgotten. Rather, look to them to see how you have improved and how you can still improve. Coco is a QT. (8/10)
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My Little Pony: Legends of Magic Annual 2018 (Major) (Recommended)
Characters - The Pillars, Pony of Shadows
Summary - The Pillars of Old Equestria face a new danger that tests their skills as a team. One that they may find feels a bit like a deja vu.
Quick Review - I really like the relationship between Stygian and Rockhoof here. I wonder if Starswirl was always meant to be a dickhead? Green Pony of Shadows looks badass as fuck. Also, Somnambula is cute as hell. (7/10)
Edit - Consider there are twelve of these. I am not awake enough to add them all. Read' em. They're pretty good lore stuffs.
​
FiM Issue #65 (Queen for One Less Day) (Recommended)
Characters - Celestia, Scarlet Petal
Summary - Princess Celestia disguises herself to live among ordinary ponies for a day. But when her magical necklace is stolen by a thief, she may lose the ability to turn back into herself for good.
Quick Review - I love this comic. Shows off the best parts of Celestia's character. I'm running out of synonyms for heartwarming, so just go read this one. (8/10)
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FiM Issue #66 (Applewood Follies)
Characters - Mane 6
Summary - Twilight Sparkle and her friends discover that a film is being made about them. But when the director hands them the reins, they discover it's harder to make a movie than they thought.
Quick Review - I'm really not a fan of more modern tech in Equestria. I don't mind it at all if it's used as a background gag, but here, where it's the plot of the comic, I just find it obtrusive.
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Ponyville Mysteries Issue 1
Characters - CMC, Nurse Redheart
Summary - "Welcome to a new series of mystery and intrigue! The Cutie Mark Crusaders discover their inner detectives and solve crimes nopony else can! Will they be able to discover who is stealing supplies from Ponyville hospital and get their schoolwork done at the same time?"
Quick Review - None of these are particularly engaging, so I won't review the rest. When I figure these mysteries out all by myself like the grown man I am I feel particularly proud, like I just solved a crossword puzzle they have on those Kiddie menus at iHop.
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Ponyville Mysteries Issue 2
Characters - CMC, The Dude
Summary - "There's a major mystery at the... bowling alley? Ponyville's team is set to break a bowling record, but the alley keeps being ransacked by a mystery criminal! Will the Cutie Mark Crusaders be able to set the pins right and solve the caper?"
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Ponyville Mysteries Issue 3
Characters - CMC, Old People
Summary - "The Cutie Mark Crusaders must solve a dangerous mystery at the Ponyville Retirement Village before it's forced to close! Is one of the curmudgeonly residents to blame or could it be a villain from their past?"
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FiM Issue #67-68 (Tempest's Tale) (Major) (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Tempest, Cadance, Glitter Drops
Summary - Tempest Shadow travels across Equestria to learn more about friendship and comes face-to-face with her past.
Quick Review - These issues do wonder for Tempest's previously scarce character. If your a fan of Tempest, or especially if your not a fan of Tempest, check these out. Smug Cadance is best Cadance. (8/10)
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Ponyville Mysteries Issue 4
Characters - CMC, Applejack
Summary - "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are trying to solve the case of the missing spa water! But what happens when all signs point to a member of a Crusader's own family being the culprit?"
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FiM Issue #69 (Magical Apple)
Characters - Pinkie, Mane 6
Summary - Pinkie gets god powers. Again. Didn't we do this already?
Quick Review - Oh, Pinkie, maybe someday somebody will figure out how to write you well again. (4/10)
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Ponyville Mysteries Issue 5
Characters - CMC, Rarity
Summary - "The Crusaders have their biggest case yet when a priceless artifact belonging to superstar Songbird Serenade is stolen!"
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FiM Issue #70 (Extreme Bingo)
Characters - Golden Horseshoe Gals, Rainbow, AJ
Summary - Grannies Gone Wild 2!
Quick Review - Grannies Gone Wild 2! (5/10)
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FiM Issue #71 (Happy Haunts)
Characters - Student 6
Summary - Twilight Sparkle's School of Friendship students experience Nightmare Night in Ponyville for the first time. Things don't exactly go as planned.
Quick Review - I hate this issue. Not because it's bad, but because we are teased with infinitely more interesting stories. I want to see the princesses on Nightmare Night, like the cover! I want to see Shim and Glim's NN, like on the first page! Fucking cocktease. (4/10)
​
FiM Issue #72 (Pie in the Sky, Again)
Characters - Pinkie, AJ, Pear Butter
Summary - Applejack discovers an old Apple family pie recipe and seeks to recreate it for Granny Smith. Along the way, they meet ponies who her mom has touched in her life. I wouldn't mind being touched by Pear Butter.
Quick Review - Standard. Wholesome. Sweet. (7/10)
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My Little Pony: Nightmare Knights (Major) (Highly Recommended)
Characters - Luna, Stygian, Trixie, Capper, Tempest, Daybreaker, Eris
Summary - Princess Luna assembles a team of former villains to face a new threat to Equestria.
Quick Review - I cannot recommend this arc enough. Every single character gets a chance to shine. Stygian gets much need development. Eris and Daybreaker make a menacing evil duo. The villain casino makes a great setting. Sunset Shimmer gets a cameo. (Even though her and Starlight are once again shafted.) Capper absolutely steals the show. Tempest is a bit more brutish than she usually is, but as we don't know much about her anyway, that's a very minor gripe. (9/10)
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FiM Issue #73 (Copycats)
Characters - Fluttershy, Twilight
Summary - A magical amulet causes Fluttershy to become more animalistic.
Quick Review - I have no idea what the fuck what went on in this issue or why. It's a mess. (3/10)
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FiM Issue #74 (On the Mane Stage) (Recommended)
Characters - Zephyr, Fluttershy, Silverstream, Pixie Cut
Summary - Fluttershy's brother Zephyr Breeze attends the All-Equestria Mane Styling Conference.
Quick Review - Even Zephyr Breeze can snag a qtπ hairstylist gf. There is hope for us yet, bros. Could you tell i'm down a third of a bottle of Grey Goose by this point? (7/10)
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FiM Issue #75-78 (Major) (Recommended)
Characters - Cosmos, Twilight, Discord, Fluttershy
Summary - The Mane Six's quest for the fallen stars of a missing constellation puts them on a collision course with their most galactic adversary yet. Discord's clingy ex wife who still hasn't received any child support.
Quick Review - They don't even bother to write Starlight out anymore. She just doesn't exist. Cosmos isn't as fun of a villain as Eris or the Storm King, but she's serviceable. I do like her design. Discord puts his past behind him for good physically and metaphorically. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #79 (The Ponyville Anniversary Spectacular) (Highly Recommended) (Major!)
Characters - Sunset Shimmer, I don't know I don't remember the rest
Summary - Fuck you it has Shim Sham.
Quick Review - Sunnybutt jams out on a guitar at the end. (11/10)
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My Little Pony: Spirit of the Forest
Characters - CMC, Filthy Rich, Diamond Tiara, Mayor Mare
Summary - Something about a forest mystery?
Quick Review - Lackluster follow up to the amazing Nightmare Knights. Stop giving the CMC mini series you hacks. (4/10)
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FiM Issue #80 (Live-Action Role Pony!)
Characters - Mane 6, Bulk Biceps
Summary - The Mane Six play a live-action role-playing game. The usual Pinkie hijinks ensue.
Quick Review - I'm so use to using LARP as an insult now, it's weird to see it in an endearing manner. Fun little adventure issue. (6/10)
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FiM Issue #81 (Pretty Fly)
Characters - Scootaloo, Rumble, Rainbow, Wind Sock
Summary - Scootaloo and Rumble learn about the only Earth pony to become a member of the Wonderbolts.
Quick Review - Heartwarming. Seriously, someone get me thesaurus. (6.5/10)
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FiM Issue #82 (Dog-Dog-Dogged Determination)
Characters - Rarity, Mane 6, Celestia, Cerberus
Summary - Rarity is tasked with giving Cerberus obedience training after he leaves his post at Tartarus again.
Quick Review - Dude, Rares, never change. (6/10)
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FiM Issue #83 (The Strange Case of Silver Blaze)
Characters - Twilight, Spike
Summary - Twilight Sparkle and Spike investigate when a famous racing tortoise goes missing.
Quick Review - Less Sherlock Holmes and more Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. This is a good thing. (6/10)
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My Little Pony: Feats of Friendship (Major) (Recommended)
Characters - Student Six, Swift Foot
Summary - Come one, come all, to the School of Friendship's very first sporting event-the Feats of Friendship! As Sandbar, Smolder, Gallus, Ocellus, Yona, and Silverstream prepare for the new competition, they realize they're going to need one more pony to round out their team. Enter Swift Foot, a mysterious new exchange student! But will she help strengthen the Young Six's bonds of friendship-or just drive them apart? Jealousy threatens our favorite youngsters in this brand-new miniseries!
Quick Review - This is by far and away my favorite Student 6 depiction in the franchise. It shows off very well how far they have come and how well they work together as friends and individuals. Swift Hoof makes for a great antagonist, trying to plant seeds of resentment but realizing that it doesn't work on the students and realizing her own faults. Dom Athenian Warrior waifu also included. (8.5/10)
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FiM Issue #84 (Identity Crisis)
Characters - Ocellus
Summary - Ocellus struggles to complete a big project for the School of Friendship midterm.
Quick Review - Man, I wish my problem was that I was so booksmart I had trouble fitting it all into my creative outlets. What a fucking struggle that would be. But I understand wanting to be a perfectionist, and that sucks. Amazing insight as usual by me. (5/10)
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FiM Issue #85 (Apple Bobbing)
Characters - AJ, AB, Big Mac
Summary - Applejack teaches Apple Bloom the meaning of courage by telling her the story of how she conquered her fear of the water when she was little.
Quick Review - A whole lot of touching moments between AJ and AB. A very cozy little story if you ignore the giant spider. (7/10)
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FiM Issue #86 (Marble and a Hard Place)
Characters - Maud, Marble Pinkie
Summary - Pinkie Pie and Maud Pie help their sister Marble make friends by helping her throw a party.
Quick Review - I love the Pie family, dude. The chemistry between them is something we don't get to see often enough. (6.5/10)
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FiM Issue #87-88 (The Fast and the Furriest)
Characters - Big Mac, Rainbow, Angel
Summary - Rainbow Dash and Big McIntosh take part in the Draytona Breach 500, which an antiquities dealer uses as cover to smuggle a priceless artifact.
Quick Review - Meh. (6/10)
​
I can finally pass out now.

Rebecca and I had never cruised before. You know how wives can be... she dropped less and less subtle hints over the years that she really wanted to go, and that I should start saving money for it. She told me I should spring for that family friendly one. The one with the cartoon mouse. But since I was the one paying for it, I decided we should go with a deal I found on a membership warehouse travel website. Looking back I wish I had just paid the up charge and dealt with all the animated characters surrounded by screaming children.
I booked what sounded to me like a fairly nice cruise that was suppose to visit Cuba and Cozumel. But I got an email at the hotel a few hours before we were supposed to board ship. It said something like, due to diplomatic relations between the US and Cuba, your ship has had to change one of it's destinations. They gave us gratuitous apologies, and a $500 refund on our tickets . I had never been so happy to have my vacation ruined.
The ship was the biggest boat I had ever seen, but that's not really saying much. From the outside it looked impressive floating there alone in port. Once I got on board though, I could see it was old. And judging from how it didn't match what I had seen on the commercials, it was not one of their mega ships. You know the ones with laser tag arenas, Broadway shows, and water slides? Rebecca was instantly disappointed.
Some friends had told us to put our phones in airplane mode to avoid international roaming charges. They said that all those ships have wifi, and you can talk over messenger. That way you could avoid the horror story of having a thousand dollar phone bill lurking in your mailbox when you get home.
We got to our coffin, I mean our cabin. There were two tiny single beds with paper thin mattresses on either wall. And a water logged port hole half filled with dirty seawater. It was a nonsmoking room, but you could tell it hadn't always been. Anything plastic had that yellowed nicotine residue you find in ancient casinos.
"Oh, this romantic." I smiled seductively. "We can pretend we are being naughty at summer camp."
"Shut up." Rebecca struggled her oversize suitcase through the tiny door as I pressed myself against the far wall to give her room. When you have an angry woman on your hands, and she has all the exits blocked, your only options are diplomacy, or distraction.
"Oh hey look! A catalog of all the things we can do on our new itinerary." The freshly printed brochures sat neatly on the foot of the bed. The plain paper didn't match the other printouts glossy finish. I imagine some poor intern stayed up the night before reprinting all those pages.
We putted around the ship. Bought ourselves a pair of those novelty drinks that come in a pineapple. The paper straws in our drinks turned to mush before we could finish. Rebecca wound up pouring half her drink down her shirt and soaking her pants in the lounge chair. We watched the waves roll by, and I attempted to avoid getting my head bit off.
"So, we are going to southern Mexico instead of Cuba. There goes my cigar smuggling empire." I flipped through the brochure. "Let's see... they have a dolphin encounter."
"No, those places keep dolphins in tiny swimming pools for tourists."
"OK, glass blowing workshop?"
"No, it's Mexico. It's gonna be way to hot to anywhere near a furnace." Rebecca said struggling to get the remaining alcohol out of her pineapple.
"Mayan ruins?"
"OH! Chichen Itza? I went there on senior trip. It was amazing!" Finally after struggling to try and get her to have a good time, I had found a winner.
"Uh... no. That one is near Cosumel, we are headed down near... Belize. This one is called Chac... chucky... Chac-cho-ben. Apparently that means... 'the Place of the Red Corn.'"
The excursion to the ruins cost $150, but we had our discount so I splurged a little bit to make her happy. We tried to have fun, and drank a little bit on the way. Watched a ventriloquist act and what seemed like high school production of some fan fiction of Guys and Dolls. We went to bed, after having the steward put the beds together, and when we woke up, the ship was already making its way into port.
The first thing we noticed was the smell. The water in the brochure had been crystal clear. But what greeted us at the pier looked and smelled like diarrhea. Apparently the seaweed blooms had somehow gone bad, and mountains of rotting plant life washed up on the picturesque beach every day. We held our noses and scurried past the welcome sign and triggered the most elaborate tourist trap I've ever seen.
The little brightly colored shops huddled up in a small shopping plaza past customs at the end of the pier. A row of parrots and flamingos danced to entice children to get their parents to pay to go through the rope bridge aviary that snaked through the trees above us. Some Mayan entertainers danced and did acrobatics around a pole, as a mariachi band played in the swim up bar.
Due to her desperate need of chachkies, Rebecca wandered off to shop a while. With everything to see, I admit I lost track of time. Before I knew it, we were late to meet with the van that was going to drive us out to the ruins. I power walked through the crowds calling for Rebecca, and asking very friendly people who spoke broken English if they had seen her.
I gave upon trying to find her and headed toward our pickup location. I was going to tell them that I had misplaced my wife, when I heard...
"There he is! Sorry, thanks so much for waiting."
For the first time in recorded existence Rebecca had shown up early to an event. And I was the one that was holding up the show. Clearly she was very excited to go see those piles of rocks in the jungle. Our guide Esmeralda cheerfully greeted me and lead us down a gravel path to a hidden parking lot. We hopped in the nondescript van, where another family sat in the bench seats.
As we exited the tourist trap, we passed several gates in high fences topped with razor wire. Apparently a lot of effort goes into keeping those precious tourists safe. To keep us entertained Esmeralda knelt in the front passenger seat as we drove along the boring jungle roads. She showed us pictures of animals and trees that could be found in the surrounding bush. And taught us enough about the Mayan language to try and sell us some fancy bracelets with our names on them.
I don't know exactly what happened. Suddenly the van was rolling on it's side and the whole world turned dark green. I saw sweet Esmeralda with her laminated pictures tumble half way out the driver side window. A long trail of blood shooting out of the driver’s mouth. I closed my eyes, but I’ll never forget her screams as she realized the van was crushing her… and the she was gone.
We lay there stunned sinking the muck of some pool warm ooze. Several men jumped up on the side of the van. I was able to get a hold of one of the men and tried to fight him off, but I was still buckled into my seat. The man slipped away as Rebecca yanked me back down in her panic.
The young father behind me cradled his wife’s head and begged her to wake up. The young lady’s neck had been twisted at an awkward angle in the crash, and their daughter was screaming. Rocks beat at the remaining windows and they shattered down in a rain of tempered glass. Then the strange men poked at us with long metal spears that had needles on the end. They jabbed the needles deep into our arms and legs. Immediately I could feel the numbness of some sort of poison taking hold.
The men backed off, and struggled to get free. I pulled out my phone to call 911, and my fingers went numb as I remembered the phone was in airplane mode. My tongue got dry, and I fell over into the driver’s lap. I lost consciousness looking up at his dead eyes and broken jaw.
I awoke. Which I will say did come as a pleasant surprise. I was going to die right there in that van. I opened my eyes, and blinked at the darkness around me. Several soft points of light twinkled far above me. My hands were tied to a stone carving of a jaguar above my head. As I sat there I realized I could feel someone pressed up against my back. The smell of Rebecca's shampoo let me know it was her.
“Becca, you awake?” I asked as I rocked us back and forth.
I listened carefully for any response, but all I heard in the darkness was her gentle breathing and a strange slurping sound coming from the ruins around us. I held my breath there in that dark place. My eyes began to adjust and I thought I could see long white shapes slowly sliding down the bricks.
“Oh FUCK this!” I said as I tried to stand, my legs were all pins and needles and I flopped back and forth on my knees. I was able to work the rope that hung in the stone carving loose. And Rebecca and I tumbled to the floor as one of those things rared up inches from her face. I kicked it away but there was another, out my reach and slowly easing up her leg.
Rebecca moaned as slime coating the strange worm glistened off the flesh of her leg. The end of the thing started pulsating slowly, and I could hear the teeth digging and chewing. Rebecca lay there in a daze, not responding. I kicked at the worm things that tried to inch closer to me, one even dropped from the ceiling onto my calf. The slime off it’s skin started to numb my lower leg.
I knew at that point we were meant to be food for these things. Those men, could watching from the shadows, saving that young father and his little girl for tomorrow’s meal. I shook Rebecca as hard as I could, we had to get free, we had to get out of there. I got no response.
I clawed at the ropes around my wrists as the chewing things crawled closer. I could see them writhe under Rebecca’s shirt. The numbness in my hands made it impossible to work the knots. And the rope was to strong to break by hand. In my panic only one sickening idea came to mind. I wasn’t going to be able to drag her out of there, and I need to somehow, get out, get help.
I stood up, dangling Rebecca’s hands on stone floor beneath me. The starlight from the open shaft above us made the outline of her dainty fingers barely visible. With a scream of disgust at what was planning, I raised my heel and brought it down hard on those thin fingers.
Rebecca’s eyes shot open and she started to wail as I brought my heel down again on her hands. Breaking the delicate bones of her wrists and arms, I pulled at the rope. The worm things crawled up her neck and latched onto her cheek. That horrible chewing and sucking sound came out of her mouth as it ate through her face.
I stopped my wife’s hands into bloody ruins as she looked up at me and screamed. I got the rope free, and hooked my hands into the stone jaguar’s mouth. Then I pulled myself up. The white creatures wriggled across the floor where I had stood just a moment before. And Rebecca's screaming started to waver and fade to sobs, then silence.
I struggled up the shaft, inch my inch. Pressing my legs against one wall and my back against the other, I climbed in the darkness. Every muscle of my body quivering from strain I finally found myself at the top of a plant covered hill. I stood there in the middle of the jungle, and spun around. I didn’t see any signs of civilization. I checked my pocket, and thankfully my phone was still there.
I clicked it on, and swiped airplane mode off. No signal. The moon was near the horizon, I guessed which way was east, and struggled through darkness of the jungle in search of that long highway where everything had gone wrong.

Standard Disclaimer: I do not take credit for the setting, this story is set in the They Are Smol universe, written by our very own u/tinyprancinghorse.
TPH has a Website, a Patreon, and also a Discord if you need more smol shenanigans.
The first Smol Detective story can be read starting Here.
There will be some spoilers/references of the first SD story in this one, so consider yourself duly warned.
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First Chapter
Previous Chapter
Next Chapter
In the previous chapter:
Bgrarh gets some Contraband.
Oscar has a Nice Suit.
Two words: Conga Line.
In this chapter:
Resh'skk does some Acting.
Sssnnathor serves up some Snacks.
The Silken Feather does a Clever Girl.
___________
The shuttle was due to depart in [six hours], which should give Bgrarh-of-Arhraz plenty of time. He checked for the hundredth time that his lab door was securely locked, then pulled out the unassigned terminal he'd managed to snag for this. The latter was just in case anyone tried to check the logs on his own 'official' machine. What he was doing was not strictly forbidden by the Inquisition, but it would be considered impolite and cause for censure.
If he got caught, Bgrarh figured he could spin a story of finding the media 'somewhere' and examining it merely to see if he could determine its origin. They wouldn't believe him, but they'd probably let his possession slide...especially if he let the hypothetical Inquisitor watch over his shoulder.
He took a steadying breath and popped in the first chip, then selected "Doctor No". Within a few scenes he'd gotten the gist of this [James Bond] character in spite of the poor quality and terrible dubbing. The Dorarizin had a similar fictional character, namely one Inquisitor Hrnarah. She traveled the galaxy with a blaster at her hip, ready to mete out justice and bed any comely males she came across.
But Hrnarah was also, well, a she. This [Sean Connery] person was as adorable as any [human], but he was also quite clearly male. And even though [Connery] walked with the standard wobbly, about-to-fall-over gait of a [human], there was a relentlessness to the way he moved that drew the eye.
The movie ended, and Bgrarh chose another at random. This had a different actor playing Bond, one who was less imposing but more debonair. The movie followed much the same formula as the first, which was something that [Bond] also had in common with Inquisitor Hrnarah.
As the movie played on, Bgrarh began to pick up on why [Oscar] suggested [Bond]. Whenever the man entered a room, whether it be a casino, a denpile, or a prison cell, [Bond] acted as if he owned that room.
Bgrarh stood and began walking about, picturing himself as a well-dressed secret agent who'd entered a dance competition as cover for some covert assignment...which honestly wasn't that far from the truth. As he did so, his nervousness about the upcoming performance began to fade and he knew he'd found the right personality to emulate.
Of course, there were certain things that Bgrarh was not going to emulate. He wasn't an expert on [human] mating customs, but he was pretty sure it wasn't proper to kiss [human] women without their consent.
Bgrarh chuckled. If he tried kissing the Captain without permission she'd bite his head off. Although now that he thought about it, the idea of kissing her with permission was very appealing. She was quite a handsome woman, after all. Yes, she was the pack leader and thus couldn't play favorites...but she was also a Dorarizin with needs.
Besides, Bgrarh knew his time of 'season' was approaching. Maybe this what the [humans] called a golden opportunity?
___________
In one corner of the hangar deck, two long and sinewy bodies coiled about each other. Each of them held a long needle-like sword in one hand, with the other clamped to their opponent's weapon-arm. There was much pained grunting as each strained to be the first to stab. Finally one of them managed to wrest her sword-arm free with a triumphant shout.
""
With that line Hrathra'sstah lunged forward as her prop sword did its job and buried its holographic blade deep into Resh'skk's chest. The ex-soldier clutched at the sword-hilt sticking out of his chest (which kept it from falling off), then groaned and toppled backward. His own weapon fell to the deck with a clatter.
"" he gasped in mock agony. ""
With a wordless scream, Hrathra leaped onto him and pushed with both her hands at the pommel of the fake sword hilt, acting as if she was driving the nonexistent blade deeper into his chest. At that cue Resh'skk bit down on the capsule hidden in his cheek, then let a little emerald-hued stage blood trickle out of the corner of his mouth.
He gave another groan of pain. "" he said in a stage whisper. Then Resh'skk slumped flat on the deck, staring off sightlessly into space.
After a beat, there was the sound of two small pairs of hands slapping together. It was a gesture of appreciation that Jornissians performed as well, and the sound made Resh'skk feel better about this whole nonsense.
"[Bravo!]" called [Maria].
"[Yeah, that was awesome!]" added [Oscar].
Resh'skk stopped playing dead and picked his hood up off of the deck. ""
"" said Hrathra'sstah. She still lay sprawled on top of him in a position that he would have enjoyed in other circumstances.
""
Hrathra'sstah pressed a finger to his lips. ""
"[And the villain always has to give a big monologue when they die!]" said [Maria]. "[It's a tradition even in [human] drama.]"
"" Resh'skk made as if to get up, but Hrathra didn't budge from her perch on top of him. He felt her tail-tip coil about his own. Ordinarily, Jornissians were a little less fussy about touching tails; it was just a consequence of their body type. But this was a more familiar gesture, one that close friends engaged in.
He glanced over and saw the two humans bumbling off. [Maria] had her hand on [Oscar's] arm as she steered him away from the Jornissians. His [human] friend had clearly picked up on the opportunity and was giving him the private space.
Resh'skk turned his head back to look up into Hrathra's red, gleaming eyes. His old fears returned. How could someone so smart and capable find anything of value in a broken down ex-thug like himself? But he had to try. He'd faced down pirates trying to carve out his intestines, he could face down this.
""
She raised one corner of her hood. "" But she did pick herself up off of him. Resh'skk rose, coiling his lower half below him in the Jornissian version of parade rest. He clasped his hands before him, while Hrathra'sstah folded her arms.
"" she asked.
""
Her arms dropped to her sides as she stared at him in shock. ""
Resh'ssk nodded. ""
Her next words struck him to the heart, an icy feeling far crueler than any stab.
""
Not a trace of his inner pain showed on his face as his clasped hands clenched ever so slightly tighter. ""
Hrathra cut him off with waving hands. "" She slithered back and forth in front of him as her gesticulating grew ever more dramatic. ""
Now it was his turn to interrupt her with a gentle finger to her lips. ""
There was one long moment of mutual staring, then she lunged for him again in an attack that he accepted with literal open arms.
What with their long and muscled bodies, Jornissians are the gold-medal winners of the four Senate species when it comes to dealing out hugs. With these two Jornissians doing their very best to embrace each other, and on top of that doing their very best to kiss each other into oblivion, the resulting tangle was something that would make even Escher throw up his hands.
In the middle of Resh'ssk's bliss, he heard again the sound of a human applauding. He peered to the side and saw [Maria's] grinning face. The [human] stood just out of easy tail-slap range.
After a little bit of complicated tongue-de-tangling, Hrathra'sstah turned her head as well to regard her protege. "<[Maria]?>"
"[Yeah, boss?]"
""
"[You got it, boss.]" [Maria] gave a wink to Resh'skk before strolling away. At any other time he would have found the little alien's cockiness infuriating, but right now he was too happy to be angry. He clasped Hrathra anew to himself and kissed her snout.
"" he asked.
Hrathra'sstah rubbed her hood against his neck. "" She grinned up at him. ""
___________
The sunlight fell like a velvet hammer onto Oscar as he stepped down from the shuttle. He felt sweat begin to pop out on his forehead, and wondered if his furred crewmates would suffer even more. He supposed that the heat made sense, given that a Jornissian owned this planet.
In front of the shuttle was a wedge-shaped formation of Dorarizin wearing full armor. Oscar had seen the pictures during the one time any Dorarizin set foot on Earth. Princess Gwe-Zgranzre-of-Ngrul's honor guard had been almost as armored-up as these guys. But where their armor had been brightly colored and ornate, this armor was sleek and functional.
The armor's visual effect was to turn the already-impressive figure of your average Dorarizin into what looked like a walking tank. The sleek, ovoid, and featureless chrome helmets of the retinue tilted down as one while they regarded Oscar. After a moment, the lead Dorarizin's helmet hinged up to reveal a white-furred face with deep purple eyes. He looked at Oscar for a few seconds, then over at the sphere of Junior which hovered next to the human's shoulder.
Oscar heard the noise behind him as the rest of the crew disembarked from the shuttle. He smiled as he tried his best to keep his heartrate down. Myyreh was at his back, but asking her to take out a werewolf in power armor would be too much even for her.
"Howdy, folks!" Oscar pointed at the lead Dorarizin's armored chest. "Um, are you expecting trouble?"
The lead Dorarizin smiled in response, showing a lot more teeth. "[Not at all. I know it looks like [overkill], but we have certain security protocols that have to be followed for all visitors. I'm Nerlharg-of-Aergh.]"
Oscar settled for a bow in lieu of shaking hands. "Oliver Ward, pleased to meetcha."
"[Likewise.]" Nerlharg looked up at the others. "[I bid you all welcome. Please, follow me. His Excellency was very insistent that he meet your group right away.]"
Oscar slung his bag over his shoulder. The concrete of the landing pad let to a loose gravel pathway lined with tall greenery which was nothing like trees. There was a clear lack of bark, plus the leaves had an odd earth-brown tinge to them. The plants did provide a good amount of shade, however, which gave Oscar some relief from the heat. Further inspection revealed a few tall rod-like structures scattered here and there among the growth; these rods emitted a fine mist of water which drifted over the pathway and provided further cooling.
Nerlharg noticed Oscar's inspection. "[His Excellency's species is better built to withstand heat, but he provides for his subjects.]"
"He sure does," replied Oscar. "I already get enough grief from my non-human comrades about my water usage, so I don't want to be sweating more than I need to."
Nerlharg gave his species' bone-buzzsaw version of a chuckle, but didn't otherwise comment.
The procession crested a rise, and Oscar saw a few buildings ahead. The architecture gave the impression of a high-tech Aztec city, with multiple stepped pyramids situated along either side of the central promenade. A profusion of more greenery overhung each 'step' on the buildings. Oscar wondered if this was proper Jornissian architecture or if Sssnnathor just had a thing for pyramids.
The prominade led forward to the largest pyramid by far, a huge building that rivaled that of any Egyptian tomb. A sloping ramp led up to an entrance that one could sling a starship through. The scale was such that even the giants around him looked small as they passed underneath that over-sized arch.
Oscar wondered about the point of such overkill. Was it to show off Ssssnnathor's wealth and power? The entire planet was proof of that. Perhaps it was more of a subtle warning to any who entered, a way to say 'however big you think you are, you're in the house of someone far more important'.
Whatever the reason for the grand entryway, the pyramid's interior space was even more grand. The walls were clad in white marble with gold trim; they followed the slope of the exterior, with a spiral ramp leading up towards the apex far above. More green vines hung from the edges of the ramp, giving the whole space the air of a slightly less tacky Las Vegas casino. Three large snake-like figures waited in the center of the space in front of a long table piled high with various dishes.
The middle Jornissian could only be Sssnnathor. Oscar half expected him to be clad in some sort of outrageous Ming-The-Merciless getup, but instead he wore a sober-looking 'suit' the hue of sun-bleached bone. The white color contrasted well with his black-and-blue scale pattern.
Sssnnathor's face was split in a wide smile, and he had his arms outstretched in welcome. The guards on either side, however, looked much less friendly, what with their armor. A normal Jornissian 'exo-suit' made them look like a long dakimakura-style pillow. But these guys were all hard edges and armor plating, fitting well with the look of the crew's Dorarizin escort.
Each Jornissian bodyguard cradled a massive rifle casually in one hand; Oscar figured he just might be able to pick one of them up if he used both hands and all his strength.
Sssnnathor's purr-hiss boomed over them all. "[Welcome! You are a pleasant surprise.]" He slithered forward, his silver eyes fixed on Oscar. The tyrant glanced over at Junior as he approached, and stopped at a respectful distance as he lowered himself to look the human in the eye.
"[I apologize for staring, but this is my first time seeing one of your kind,]" said Sssnnathor.
"No problem, Mr. Snape. I'm Oliver Ward." There was no way in hell Oscar was going to get anywhere near the strangled hiss-purr of Sssnnathor's true name. He hoped that the translator matrix was doing its job.
After another moment of fascinated staring, Sssnnathor nodded and rose higher. He gestured towards the table behind him. "[Please, eat and be welcome.]"
___________
After the (fake-name) introductions and hand-shaking, Captain Rgrarshok found herself munching on a bit of grilled glrnada while inside she wondered if this had been the right course of action. Her unease wasn't helped by the fact that Sssnnathor was parked at her right elbow with a calculating smile.
"[It's always nice to have new entertainment, Captain Rgratz,]" said the tyrant. "[But I can't help but wonder why you chose to bless us with your presence. With two [humans] in your company you would have the pick of engagements, yet you come to an out-of-Senate-space backwater like this.]"
Rgrarshok swallowed her mouthful as she prepped the cover story they'd cooked up. "{This is hardly a backwater, but it's true we could name our price. If I'm honest, Excellency, we're not exactly welcome in Senate space at the moment. And it has to do with the [humans].}"
Sssnnathor tilted his hood in curiosity. "[Oh, really?]" He turned to regard the two [humans], who naturally tended to stick together and now conversed in low tones while getting covertly studied by every other person in the pyramid. "[You didn't kidnap them, I hope?]"
Rgrarshok laughed. "{Far from it. Their placement on our crew was done through legal channels...except for the fact that we submitted two applications, under two different names. My XO cooked up the scheme, and I agreed. We thought it would give us a better chance of success.}"
Sssnnathor hissed a laugh of his own. "[I suppose it makes sense from a mathematical viewpoint. After all, the odds of getting a [human] are astronomical enough as it is. Let me guess...both applications were awarded?]"
The Captain gave a weary nod and a sigh. "{The first one was a moment of utter joy for us. [Oliver] was a wonderful addition to our crew, we were so happy...and then we got word of [Masie] coming to join us. I can't tell you how much dancing we had to do so that the auditors never caught the scent that we already had another [human] on board. But we managed it, somehow. Only then to realize we were faced with quite a conundrum.}"
"[Namely, if you performed in Senate space the odds were good that the placement program auditors would find out about your [double-dipping]. Hmm, well I suppose your embarrassment of riches is also our good fortune. Otherwise it might have been centuries before my poor little planet was able to host a [human].]"
Rgrarshok performed a slight bow. "{With your kind permission, we plan to perform many times on your planet. Of course, we'll also provide you with a free private performance if desired.}"
Sssnnathor tapped a finger against his chin. "[Hmm, I don't think a private performance is necessary. I do have a gala planned in three [days] time, one where I will show off my latest acquisition. Would you do me the honor of performing there?]"
"{We'd be happy to.}"
___________
Ngralh-of-Arzgar strolled through the sunlit bazaar. He had his paws clasped behind his back in a casual manner, but his eyes never stopped moving. Ngralh was enough of a student of history to know of the primitive conditions his species had once lived under, that era far back in the mists of time when they'd been bound to one planet.
His surroundings were not that primitive, but this was about as 'squalid' as one could get in a star-spanning civlization. The booths around him were formed of cheap and flimsy plastic, tinted with a hodgepodge of colors that stated louder than words that they'd been formed from castoff pieces. The wares emphasized hand-made tools and clothing, things that were just a little nicer than what one could get while on the dole.
The air was filled with the scent of grilling meat, something else that one couldn't get while on basic income. While the smell made his mouth water a little, he was going to have to give the food-sellers a pass. Dorarizin had pretty hardy metabolisms, but there was no need to risk food poisoning.
Due to the meeting with Sssnnathor, their investigation was now two-fold. First was the hunt for the 'Silken Feather', as they'd planned. But second was an attempt to find out exactly what the tyrant's 'latest acquisition' really was. Had the thief gone ahead and sold the Claw to him?
Either way, his job was to work towards the former goal. To that end, he was looking for someone to press ever-so-gently for information.
"[A pretty scarf for your lady friend, good sir?]" The chirping voice came from a hunched-over Karnakian who presided over a rainbow-colored waterfall of fabric. Ngralh gave her a cordial nod as he stopped strolling to look over her selection. Hmmm, that purple number might look good on Egwreh.
"{How much for this one?}" In the haggling that followed he allowed the seller to get a better deal than usual, figuring that this would put her in a better frame of mind for questioning.
"[Would there be anything else, sir?]" asked the Karnakian after he'd bought two.
"{Is this the only market around? I have some colleagues who might be interested in larger items.}"
"[This is the largest market in the capital, sir.]" She leaned forward as her crest rose. "[You're with the entertainers who just arrived, yes? The ones with the [humans]?]"
"{That's right. I'm surprised word's spread this fast.}"
"[There's always interest when [humans] are involved, good sir.]"
"{I understand. Do you get many off-world visitors? We're trying to determine how much new audience turnover we can expect.}"
"[A few every [month] or so. This planet is very welcoming to all, no matter their past.]"
Ngralh gave an embarrassed click. "{How, er, segregated is it around here? I only ask because some multi-species colonies can be rough; the locals can take it the wrong way if one goes walking through another species' section of town.}"
The seller waved one casual wing-arm. "[Oh, there's no such problems around here but I would be careful, since do have some minor criminals wandering about. The various races tend to cluster together to take advantage of any species-specific infrastructure such as plumbing requirements.]"
He smiled at her and gave a bob of his head to simulate a Karnakian farewell. "[Thanks, you've been very kind.]"
Thanks to a few more generous purchases and pointed questions, Ngralh found the Karnakian portion of town. If the "Silken Feather" was in civilization, chances are it was somewhere around here. It would be far easier for her to keep track of incoming and outgoing ships, plus she'd have a handy population of raptors to get lost in.
For sure she'd be wearing a disguise. Instead of scanning each individual Karnakian that passed, Ngralh set his implant to ping him if it detected anyone matching the body proportions of their quarry.
He spent another hour walking among the Karnakians, trying to look like nothing more than a ship-bound crew member anxious to stretch his legs. His scans of the crowd turned up empty, and after a while he started to wish somebody would try to mug him. At least it would break up the monotony.
Ngralh turned down a narrow and deserted alley with walls formed of the same cheap plastic sheeting used for the market booths. He'd made it halfway down when two feathered forms suddenly blocked the far end. He stopped and glanced over his shoulder...sure enough, two more blocked the way he'd came.
The front and rear pairs of Karnakians began to close in with slow menace towards him.
"[Four against one, furball,]" said one of them. "[Not good odds. Now why don't you just hand over everything in your pockets and we'll call it good, eh?]"
Ngralh shifted his weight so that he was balanced on his toes, then extended his claws. While he might not be death-on-foot like Myyreh, he was still an experienced peace officer. That fact evened the odds more than they realized. Once he'd given these guys a good thrashing, he could lean on them for some more detailed information. His ears swiveled back as he tracked the sounds of the two behind him. They'd probably rush him first, and so he kept his back invitingly open...
A strangled chirp-roar sounded from behind him. He spun himself sideways, careful to keep the front two in his peripheral vision. Both of the Karnakians behind him sprawled twitching on the ground, each wreathed in blue electric sparks. As he took in the sight there was a blur of motion behind to the other two...
They didn't even manage a sound before they too were down and out of any possible fight. Ngralh turned carefully back to face his would-be rescuer, a green-feathered Karnakian with a yellow band around her neck.
The Silken Feather.
She stood just out of easy leaping range. The thief had never laid eyes on Ngralh during her call to the Furious Call of Inquiry, so he figured he'd play ignorant and try to lure her closer. "{You have my thanks, friend. I don't have any money on me, but if you'll follow me back to my ship I'm sure my Captain would be happy to reward you.}"
The thief snorted. "[No games, friend. You know who I am and I know who you are. A mixed-race crew who also happen to have [humans] on board, showing up in a conveniently quick manner after I placed that call? The odds of that are astronomical. I guess you tracked me after all.]"
Ngralh took in a deep, irritated breath and then relaxed. "{All right.}" He glanced again at the sprawled, shuddering bodies around him. "{You still have my thanks.}"
"[Oh, it's my pleasure I assure you. I can't allow any of our brave Senate investigators to get hurt in the line of duty, now can I?]"
The XO chuckled. "{I wasn't in that much danger. So. How easy do you want to make this? I can tell you right now the Captain is not going to allow any sale.]"
"[I would reply that it's not up to her, is it? I think the Matriarchs' opinions would carry greater weight in this case. In any case, just know that I know that you're here and that I'm watching you. I'll be in contact soon to set up the sale. Do you still have that Galnet node of mine?]"
"{Of course. It's evidence.}"
She grinned wide. "[Of course. You police must always play by the rules, eh? I'm rather surprised you don't try to tackle me right here and now.]"
Ngralh tapped the side of his nose. "{It wouldn't do any good. I smell nothing but these four bozos, which tells me I'm talking to a hard-light hologram.}"
The Silken Feather bowed her head. "[Excellent, it's always a pleasure to deal with competent adversaries. I bid you a good day, sir.]"
The green-and-yellow Karnakian vanished, leaving a small metal sphere hovering in the alleyway. The drone fizzed while its internals fried, then fell to the ground with a small thud.
Ngralh blew out a breath that any onlooker would have taken as one of frustration. But then he smiled and touched his ear. "{Egwreh, Myyreh, you're up.}"
___________
The Silken Feather maneuvered down a neighboring alley, looking behind her constantly. It had been a risk to expose herself, but the chance to show these silly police that she was on top of things was too delicious to pass up. The following negotiations would have to be done with great delicacy; she had to conceal the fact that she no longer had the Claw, while keeping in reserve her knowledge of Sssnnathor's covert activities. The latter should act as insurance in the case that she wasn't able to retrieve the Claw.
And she would retrieve that which she'd rightfully stolen. Sssnnathor was not omnipotent, and her audacity would act as a shield. The aged fool would never imagine that she'd be bold enough to try breaking into his main palace. As her mind whirled, she peered around the corner and scanned her surroundings on instinct. She saw nothing, and so she continued on her way.
The Silken Feather trotted along while plotting and was still feeling quite pleased with herself when Myrreh-of-Relgreh's fist came out of thin air and connected solidly with her jaw.
___________
The Silken Feather came to and almost on reflex reached out mentally with her implant to trigger the protective mode of her clothing. All she received was the lurch of an unsuccessful connection, which then made her realize she wasn't wearing her own clothes anymore. All she had was a simple shift made of plain fabric to protect her modesty. Locked tight around her feathered body was a cage of hard-light which allowed her to breathe comfortably...and that was about it for any movement she could perform.
As the Silken Feather blinked and shook her snout, a warbling voice intruded into her aching head.
"[Ah, you're finally awake! Sorry about taking liberties with your person, but you had way too many little goodies hidden in your clothes. We couldn't let you keep them.]"
The voice came from a small figure standing in front of her. Behind that alien was a much bigger form that she recognized as Captain Rgrarshok. The huge Dorarizin stood with folded arms and a steady, unblinking expression that was somehow more fearsome than a snarl.
The Silken Feather focused all four eyes on the small alien in front of her. It was the first time she'd laid eyes on a [human], and for a moment she stared in wonder. As all the reports said, the little-needs-protecting had a soul filled with starlight, almost like a hatchling's but much more complex.
Then her discipline reasserted itself as she took quick stock of her surroundings. She was pinned in the middle of what looked like a hangar deck of some sort. That meant she was in space and surrounded by enemies. Not to mention tied up and completely unarmed. It was a bad situation, but she'd been in worse. The most important thing for now was to appear as if she'd given up.
The Silken Feather smiled ruefully. "|I congratulate you on your plan. It was masterfully done.|"
The [human] shrugged. "[We got lucky. We didn't know if you'd realize that we were the Senate team, but we had [Ngralh] followed just in case you followed him. You didn't just follow, you actually made contact. [Ngralh] sends his regards, by the way, and thanks you again for your help.]"
The thief slumped in her bonds. "|It was my pleasure.|" She stared up at the Captain. "|Shall we make a deal, or are you just going to skip right to the torturing?|"
Rgrarshok grinned. "[Your interrogation will begin now. Go ahead, [Oscar].]"
The computer-generated cage around The Silken Feather shifted, moving her arms apart and exposing more of her keeled chest. She felt a moment of panic as the [human] wobbled towards her. Was he going to pull out a knife and start cutting on her?
The Silken Feather's shift didn't quite cover the front fluff of her chest, and as he reached her [Oscar] pushed aside some of the fabric to expose more feathers. The somewhat intimate act shocked her. She'd heard that [humans] would mate with just about anything, but surely he wouldn't resort to...that against her will?
Without a word, [Oscar] smashed himself face-first into her fluff like a nestling seeking warmth. The sensation created an automatic maternal response in The Silken Feather, causing her feathers to expand out.
"[Where's the Claw?]" asked Rgrarshok.
The thief tried to focus, but it was hard with a soft and warm little sapient doing his best to make a bed out of her chest fluff. "|Eh? Oh, that old thing? Who knows? Maybe I know, maybe I don't. You'll have to...oh...make it worth my while to...care...|"
"[Ah, you're expecting to make a deal with us?]"
The Silken Feather tried to focus, but [Oscar] was still squirming around against her chest. Her bound arms twitched...she wanted to hold the little alien in the worst way...
"|Wouldn't you, in my situation?|" she responded. "|After all, the [Claw's] location is the only bargaining chip I have right now. You must be mad if you think I'll give that up without at least an offer of amnesty.|"
{Oscar] let out a little warbling hum and reached out with both tiny hands to get a good grip on her chest fluff.
The act almost made The Silken Feather miss the Captain's next statement. "[And you must be mad if you think we'll let you go without having the Claw safe in our possession.]"
Any further strategy fled right out of her head. What was wrong with her? She was a ghost, a free soul, she was afraid of no one and wanted nothing more than lots of covert bank accounts stuffed full of credits. Now all that she could think of was the need to grasp this little being close to her, to build a nest and keep him safe and warm. The feeling was worse than any pain or injury.
"|I...well, that is...|" She shook herself and glared up at Rgrarshok. "|I have rights under Senate law! This treatment can't be legal!|"
Rgrarshok unsheathed a claw and held it up to her face. She inspected it closely as she spoke. "[What would you have to complain about? True, we have you bound at the moment but that is merely for our protection. Are we mistreating you in any way?]"
"|You know damn well what I mean...erg...can you tell him to stop squirming?|"
"[Tell him yourself.]"
The Silken Feather looked down at the little creature moving against her. "|I know what you're trying to do. It won't work.|"
"[What do you mean?]" asked [Oscar]. "[I'm tired and need a nap.]"
"|I just...please...|"
Rgrarshok chuckled. "[You know, if you wish to claim rights as a Senate citizen you'll need to tell us who you really are. It seems you've done quite an admirable job in throwing us off of your true scent.]"
The Silken Feather gritted her teeth. "|I will never tell you!|"
Rgrarshok waved her hand in a 'there it is' gesture. "[Then I guess you'll have to put up with [human] interaction. [Oscar], give me a call when you wake up and we'll continue.]" She started to lope away, only to be stopped by the Silken Feather's plea.
"|Please, no. I'll propose a deal. You release me and then I'll tell you where the Claw is.|"
"[You tell us where the Claw is and then we'll release you,]" replied the Captain.
The Silken Feather shook her crest. "|No. You can put an implant in me to track me if you like, but I won't tell you a thing until I'm out of your custody.|" She knew she was technically savvy enough to defeat any possible tracking they'd put in her, since they'd certainly try to capture her again after finding out the Claw was now in Sssnnathor's possession. After her release, she could then steal the Claw back from Sssnnathor as she'd planned. True, having the Senate team breathing on her tail would put a bit of a time constraint on things, but she was capable enough to pull it off.
[Oscar] abruptly let go of her floof and wobbled away back towards the Captain. "[She doesn't have the Claw. Not anymore.]"
Rgrarshok stroked a thoughtful claw along her chin. "[Agreed. She gave in far too easily.]"
"|What nonsense is this? Of course I have it! Not on me, obviously, but I have it stashed in a very safe location! One that you'll never discover unless I tell you. Release me and you can go get it yourself.|"
The pair of peace officers stared back at The Silken Feather for a moment.
"[If she'd sold it to [Sssnnathor], she would've been long gone with her money,]" said [Oscar].
"[True,]" replied Rgrarshok. "[So he must have found out somehow that she was here. The fact that she's alive means that he didn't get his claws on her directly. However he found out, the Claw is now in his custody.]" Her purple eyes stared steadily at The Silken Feather. [Isn't that right?]"
"|I'm not saying anything further,|" replied The Silken Feather. "|You may as well go ahead and torture me. Or whatever that was your [human] was doing.|"
[Oscar] gasped in mock horror. "[Me? Torture? No, I wouldn't dream of harming a single feather on your crest. But there are a few [Karnakians] on board whom you've wronged either directly or indirectly. I'm sure they'd be eager to...discuss...their grievances with you at great length.]"
"[Or we could just leave her tied up somewhere on the planet,]" said Rgarshok. "[Perhaps we should drop an anonymous note to [Sssnnathor] telling her where she is? Only in the interest of making sure she doesn't come to harm, of course.]"
"[Of course!]" said [Oscar].
The Silken Feather sagged once more, this time in real defeat. She had but one bit of leverage left to play. "|We can still make a deal for my release,|" she said.
"[With what information?]" asked Rgrarshok. "[If [Sssnnathor] has the Claw I'm sure you have no idea where he's hidden it. That's something we'll have to figure out.]" The Captain sighed. "[I'll bet this party of his is for showing off the Claw.]"
"[I'm not taking that bet,]" said [Oscar].
The thief shook her crest. "|I'm not talking about the Claw's location. I'm talking about [Sssnnathor] himself. He's up to something. Whatever it is involving cloning.|"
Rgrarshok placed a paw over her eyes. "[Of course he is. By the First Pack, I need a vacation.]"