Don’t make me say I told you so...again. Last call SPCE
I’m tired of saying I told you so in the comments sections. Read this DD to get rich
Listen up autists. I know a war is going on but you would be stupid to not yeet some money at this. I know, we have talked about it before but things are really starting to cook this time. There arent enough rocket emojis to explain what is about to happen so Ill give an obligatory 10.
🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
The moment is finally upon us for SPCE to start making serious moves and this is pre-revenue, pre-flight, and pre-publicity. So what is all the hype, why are people confident in its future, and why are they right? One this is for certain this is NOT, I repeat NOT, just a space tourism company.
Let me first introduce you to the staff and some key players:
🚀Founder - Sir Richard Branson: Founder of the Virgin Group (Virgin Mobile, Virgin Atlantic, etc.) 🚀CEO - Michael Colglazier: Former President and Managing Director of Disney Parks International 🚀 (Chief Space Officer) - George Whitesides: Former Chief of Staff NASA 🚀CFO - Jon Campagna: Former Corporate Controller of ICON Aircraft Inc.
Noteworthy Investors: 🚀Vanguard 🚀Bank of America 🚀Morgan Stanley 🚀ARKQ and now ARKX 🚀Boeing 🚀Chamath Palihapitiya (Also a Virgin Galactic Chairman) 🚀Cathie Wood
Partners: 🚀Boeing ( investohopes to be a part of the hypersonic point-to-point travel ) 🚀Rolls Royce ( designing and developing engine propulsion technology for high speed commercial aircraft as well as interior design ) 🚀NASA ( a plethora of tasks including transportation to the ISS, research, and hypersonic point-to-point travel ) 🚀Lockheed Martin ( developer of the Supersonic X-59 plane which will be used for testing hypersonic travel ) 🚀Under Armour (suits)
Timeline of events:

1. 🚀Q4 2020🚀: The FAA test flight occurred but it "failed" according to stupid people. Smart people know it was a successful test of the machines fail-safe technology. It was due to a software issue that didn't allow the rocket to ignite. This is a success to smart people because the biggest concern before was "wHaT iF iT bLoWs uP!?" but now that the fail safes have been successfully tested, that is no longer a concern. The software issue has been identified and TODAY they are launched Eve (the mothership for gliding tests, this is an indicator that they will be announcing a new test flight window in the next week or so)
2. 🚀Q1 2021🚀: Sir Richard Branson has been on several media outlets quoted saying that he himself will take a flight up marking the start of commercial operations in the next 2-3 months. This is the start of publicity and marketing, and the re-launch of ticket sales. So far roughly 600+ tickets have been sold and these will be the first clients to go up. Notable clients include: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Russell Brand, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, and Ashton Kutcher. The interior of SpaceShipTwo has 16 cameras which will be engaged during the duration of the flight and will capture these stars, quite literally in the stars as they float around in microgravity for several minutes. This will be recorded and surely uploaded to their social media. I imagine some of these individuals like Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga will attempt to shoot a music video using this footage. Ticket sales will also resume again at this point.
3. 🚀2021🚀: For the rest of 2021 Virgin Galactic will be sending clients to space all the while they will be pushing profits in R&D for future endeavors, such as the hypersonic point-to-point travel which will be discussed later. They will also be building out more Spaceports and ships in order to conduct more flights. According to the last investors meeting, each spaceport is predicted to generate $1B/year.
4. 🚀Around 2025🚀: The hypersonic point-to-point ship will be complete and ready for commercial operation. This will revolutionize human travel. To put it into perspective, the International Space Station circles the globe in 90 minutes, and when this plane is complete, so will we. Preliminary indicators suggest that a trip from NYC to Sydney, Australia would take roughly 30 minutes.
5. The possibilities are as limited as space and I won't make your eyes bleed as we talk hypotheticals. I do however want to address highly likely revenue streams we could expect.

Revenue Streams (amount of revenue measured in rockets):

1. Space Tourism🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
2. Hypersonic point-to-point travel🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
3. Space Force https://spacenews.com/traditional-launch-services-may-not-suit-the-needs-of-the-future-space-force/🚀🚀🚀
4. NASA Contracts ( astronaut training, payloads, taxi services, etc)🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
5. Booster Services 🚀🚀
   
   1. Now, there is no news on this, but this is my prediction and what I would attempt to achieve. As hypersonic travel becomes the standard way for humans to traverse the globe there will need to be a way to make it possible and affordable for the general public. Virgin Galactic cannot achieve this on their own and current airlines (Delta, Southwest, etc.) cannot convert to Spaceship companies either. With Virgin Galactics unique approach and design, they could become a booster service for airlines. Airlines will need to design a space plane that is capable of hypersonic travel and Virgin Galactic will use their mothership to carry these planes to sub-orbit.
6. While Virgin Galactic is currently operating in the sub-orbital space, I am sure they will begin working on deeper space projects for asteroid mining, moon operations, etc.
   

Common Objections and Rebuttals:

1. Who would be able to afford this and even if they could, why would they?
   
   1. There are around 42 million people in the world with a net worth of $5 million where $250k is extremely affordable. The price of the ticket is the same price of chartering a yacht for the weekend. Except instead of playing on a boat for two days, you go to space for a few minutes. Yes, the complete trip lasts around 90 minutes, but we are talking about going to Space. Virtually anyone would say that's something they long to do because that is human nature, if you look at people with high net worth they spend their money on much more ridiculous things. Not only is it human desire to want to go, it has the "Johnson's effect" as well. The Johnson's effect is an old sales analogy, where someone in your neighborhood would say "Oh did you see the Johnson's got a new Porsche?" Inclining you the observer who has the capital to feel the competitive nature and want to also have said clout. So yes, there is very much latent demand on this service. As explained earlier there are already 600+ pre-sold tickets including highly renown individuals and 900+ who have reserved a slot for a future ticket purchase. Note that these ticket sales only stopped because Virgin Galactic stopped them and will resume ticket sales Q1 2021. Virgin Galactic could currently handle 50 flights per year per plane and has recently finished their second plane, meaning they can handle 100 of the 1400 pre-purchased flights over 2021. So, even as Virgin Galactic scales, there is enough customers already to cover operating costs and the development of new planes for several years.
2. Wow so you get to go to space for all of two minutes?
   
   1. People who say this are people who can't afford it. That might sound harsh, but it is that simple. Very few humans would pass up on this opportunity for such a magical thing if they could actually afford it.
3. It's not really "space"
   
   1. Who cares? You get to experience microgravity and float around. You get to see the curvature of the Earth. You get to officially be called an astronaut. The media will not be attempting to point out this very minute, arrogant point. Again, only people who can't afford it will be pointing it out purely out of jealously or disbelief in the Space Age that is upon us.
4. People only invest in this because they can't invest in SpaceX.
   
   1. Not true. First off, they are completely different markets. SpaceX is orbital, Virgin Galactic is sub-orbital. A SpaceX tour would take you into deeper space for around a week and costs somewhere around $52 million. Secondly, even if SpaceX is a direct competitor I hardly see how that's a bad thing. Competition drives commerce, and to have Elon Musk being your direct competitor, that would only bolster Virgin Galactic. Thirdly, there is potential for partnership between these two companies in the future. A collaboration of completely different and unique technologies to overcome the challenges of the Space Age. Finally, SpaceX news and Elon Musk hype will mean space news and space hype, also helping Virgin Galactic. When/if SpaceX IPO's I will definitely scoop up some of that, but I won't sell SPCE to do so.

What I imagine by 2035:
Spaceports all across the globe, connected by the Virgin Hyperloop (for those who don't know it's another Virgin project that allows humans to travel faster than the speed of sound through tunnels). At this point, Virgin Galactic will already be partnered with other major airlines who have created space planes, very much reducing the cost and barrier to entry. Meaning any human who would have normally have flown "first-class" will now have the ability to end up anywhere on the planet in under an hour. Virgin Galactic will also partner with shipping companies and if you're impressed with 2 day delivery, how does 2-hour delivery sound? Packages moved via space plane, then into a hyper loop to your distribution center, and finally automatically driven to your home via autonomous AI. All the while Virgin Galactic is innovating new technologies for deeper space missions, working with the Space Force, and continuing space tourism.
This is not some flashy new technology, this is the revolution of human travel. This is not sci-fi, it is simply sci. The future truly is now and we all have an opportunity to be a part of it. Thanks for listening and big disclaimer, I clearly own SPCE shares, because at this point, it doesn't make sense not to.
TLDR: I know you've heard about SPCE before and I know we are at war and I'm holding strong 500 shares GME @ $17, but the rockets are LITERALLY fueling up and you will LITERALLY miss the trip to space if you don't buy before the announcement. Last time it was announced the price was around $23 and ran up to $35, back down to $23 after the "failed" test flight. SPCE is currently sitting at $33. The test flight window will be announce anywhere within the next week or two and will probably run up to 37-40. After it is successful we are looking at 50, after Branson goes up around 70. Once other celebrities start going up and blasting it on their social media we will easily break 100. I don't know how many wins I could post before you retards start listening to me. I took out a 12k loan 4 months ago and now have 96k. The play, I would buy shares. God forbid this test flight has a malfunction as well you dont want them expiring worthless. But hold on til the end of 2021 and youll be loaded. u/DeepFuckingValue yeet a million at this and you'll easily become a $50 millionaire over the next few years. I would if I had more money.
TLDR2: If my TLDR was too long and you didnt read. Buy fucking SPCE, you're just throwing cash away. Been calling this one since 17

Original Author
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Important official legal disclaimer: This is a short work of fiction. Any resemblances to real people (including myself); people you may know; people you think you may know; etc.; is entirely deliberate.
When I’m at work I’m staring at a screen. When I’m not at work I’m staring at screens. Checking social media. Scrolling through updates. Scrolling through friends. Scrolling through #instagram. Scrolling through #amazon. The customer is always right. Make sure the product you’re selling is something that people want to buy.
On the subway we’re surrounded by people that we don’t know and never will. Our heads are tilted down, eyes connected to smartphones and pod devices. Playing free games. Bright lights and colorful shapes. Swipe swipe swipe. Group texts. #netflix. Fantasy football updates. #snapchats. The anxiety of being human. New Yorkers avoid looking at or talking to one another. Once in a while there will be a crazy person on the train and all of us normal passengers can smile at each other and sigh. At least we’re not crazy.
The subway tunnels are the arteries and veins of the city, the passageways of the busy hive. If you close your eyes the movement through the tunnels feels organic, alive. A buzz of worker bees on our way. Where are we going?
I don’t want be a part of the hive. But I’m a human being. I need other human beings.
Something is broken in me. I hate myself. I don’t feel connection in any aspect of my life. friendships, family, romance, work. Ennui and alienation are my reality. A city of 8 million people. A hive of loneliness.
My life is no tragedy. I don’t have any real reasons to be sad but I’m sad. I wasn’t abused. My parents love me. I went to college. I had all the benefits of a middle class upbringing. I’m a white male in a society that has persecuted anyone and everyone who isn’t.
I eat mostly fast food. Chinese delivery. #mcdonalds. #kraft macaroni & cheese. #dominos. Microwave dinners. High sodium. High Fructose Corn Syrup. MSG. Intense flavors. Addictive flavors.
There was a terrorist attack and the nation was in shock. A maniac with a gun shot up a shopping mall. The president offered his condolences. We had an all-staff call at work to discuss how we felt. It’s important for us to remember that terrorists are evil. When terrible things happen on our TV screens it’s important to show solidarity.
We’ve never had an all-staff call at work to discuss our solidarity with the homeless people that we walk by each day between the subway station and our office. The woman who stands by the subway entrance shaking her cup of change every day. The couple that sleep in sleeping bags each night under the awning of the bodega. We didn’t have an all-staff call to discuss our solidarity with our co-workers who were laid off last week.
Binge. Binge-watch. Binge-watch television. The revolution will be televised. The revolution will be tweeted.

ThisIsUs#Freshofftheboat#Blackish#Blacklivesmatter#Change#Makeamericagreatagain#Strongertogether#Target

Browsing the internet, searching for a date. Swiping through thousands of profiles. The deep human need for connection. "Love to travel". "Looking for a partner in crime". “Enjoys witty banter”. Attempting to send thoughtful messages that will stand out. Being ignored. Rejected. Every once in a while a rare response. Variable rewards. You’ll never win if you don’t play the game. Dopamine. Slot machines. Addiction.
Sometimes I wonder if people have genuine friendships anymore. Sometimes I think back to the times when I had friends. My friends from college. I think I was always a little bit sad underneath it all. But friends are a good medicine.
We had a lot of fun back in college. This was back before our jobs dragged us to all different corners of the country. Nowadays we talk about the #nfl or #GoT through group texts. Sometimes we wish each other happy birthday. Usually we forget.
Breaking news. Check your smart phone. Turn on your television. President Trump did this. President Trump did that. Terrorist attack. Hurricane. Polar Ice Caps melting. Destruction. Human beings are terrible to each other. Stay informed. Stay alert. Informed citizens watch the news. Check #bbc, #cnn, #msnbc. Get updates and notifications. Twitter and social media keep us informed. Smart phones are smart.
Drugs make me feel better. Temporarily. Porn works too. Weed. A little coke. A little molly. Drugs and porn don't really make me happy, but they at least make me not sad for a while. A quick bump to take the pain away.
Everyone is an addict. Addiction is good for the economy. Some addictions are respectable. Some not so much. work, shopping, smart phones, #facebook, television, fossil fuels, #marvel super-hero movies, #mcdonalds, #instagram, pornography, #dominos, coffee, alcohol, #snapchat, cocaine, #oxycontin, heroin. The economy is doing well.
I talked to my sister a few weeks ago, she lives in Colorado. She used to live in Arizona, and before that North Carolina. I miss my sister. Like most young people she goes wherever her or her boyfriend can find work. She complained about her job, about how all her coworkers seem so fake. No one really seems to care about what they’re doing. It’s more important to make it seem like you care than it is to actually care.
The other day I saw a picture she posted with her co-workers - “So happy to work with these great people and this awesome company #workfriends”.
The global economy is great. Even as it rips apart the connections that we need for our emotional health, it comes up with ever more products and services and gadgets for us to substitute for those connections and soothe our loneliness. One day we will all be starting at screens all the time and we’ll never have to interact with humans in the real world ever again. Life will be good.
I know some people who find meaning in their work. They work long hours. They go out drinking with co-workers. Mostly they work in advertising or tech or finance. These industries are important because they help our economy grow. Growing the economy is important. We may live on a finite planet, but we’re committed to an economy that can grow forever.
An economy is not the only type of organic system that can commit to a cycle of endless growth. Sometimes it happens with cells in the human body for instance. This is called cancer.
Most of my time at work I sit at my desk pretending to work hard. Wondering what the other cubicle bees are doing with their time as they pretend to be working hard. Sometimes I do spread sheets that people tell me are useful. Measuring. Counting.
Once in a while I’ll grab lunch at the bodega or at #mcdonalds and I’ll notice how the employees there work so much harder than I do. Most of them are bi-lingual. They probably work harder in an hour than I do in a day.
I sit at a desk in front of a computer, so my job is really important.
Smart phone. Smart TV. Smart car. Smart house. We are smart.
When I get out of work I walk to the subway with all the other worker bees leaving their jobs. The sidewalks are buzzing with people heading this way and that. It’s important to walk fast to wherever it is you’re going. It’s important to go where you’re going and for everyone else to go where they’re going. Thinking about where you’re going is time wasted when you could be getting to where you’re going. Be careful if you smile at other people, they may see it as a threat.
At rush hour there is always a man on the corner near the subway with a sign that says “Jesus Loves You.” His eyes are intense. He doesn’t seem to be in a rush to get anywhere.
I love to learn. I love to read. I mostly hated school. Some of the most intelligent, interesting, and creative people I knew were dropouts.
School was useful for teaching us that life is about measurement and performance and specialization and commodification. Your peers are your competition. Things like empathy and imagination and cooperation are hard to measure. They’re non-linear. School doesn’t like them.
Prison population is something we can measure. There are more black men in prison today than there were enslaved at the time the Civil War began. There are 2.3 million Americans in Prison. America is the home of the Free and the Brave.
There was a pretty young woman at the register at the bookstore. She told me that she was a huge fan of the Nabokov stories I was buying. Said she loved the way he plays with language and meaning. She reached to give me a bag for the book and I told her I didn't really need one. She apologized and smiled and said that she must have asked me about a bag already. I told her that she hadn't. She blushed. I asked her her name. I asked her for her number.
Later I sent her a message. Maybe I could take her out for a drink sometime. Smiley face emoji. I never got a response. Connecting with people is hard.
Social media. Social. Media. We are social. We connect with our screens. Social media connects us to what is important. Likes, upvotes, retweets, friend requests, updates, notifications. That friendly buzzzzzz from your smart phone. It feels good to be social. Dopamine. Remember - Your brand matters. Everyone is watching.
Technology makes the world better. Technology solves problems, especially problems created by other technology. If new technologies create problems, the solution is to develop newer technologies to solve those problems. Technology and progress are the same thing. Technology helps the economy grow. When technology makes human beings obsolete, that is progress.
Sometimes it seems that we relate to our machines better than we relate to each other.
One in sixty-eight children in America is diagnosed with autism. Autism is characterized by impaired social interaction, impaired verbal and non-verbal communication, and restricted and repetitive behavior.
I feel like my job isn’t actually about doing anything. Success is really about making it look like what you do is important. Lying to yourself to tell yourself that what you do is important.
Teamwork and cooperation are actively discouraged at work. No one knows what anyone else does, but supposedly what everyone does is important. Stare into your computer screen. Do we live in a world where success is about manipulating our fellow human beings? #winning
One day after work I saw an old woman on the subway with a young girl sleeping at her side. The woman was sewing a scarf. Sometimes people are good to each other. Sometimes the small things in life can be incredibly beautiful. Once in a while happiness will come when I’m not searching for it.
I wish I had a girlfriend. Someone I could talk to without feeling like I’m lying to myself.
People around me are growing up. Getting married. Having kids. Settling into life. My conscience is at war with my culture.
One day I took a train out of the city. I took some molly. I was hoping to escape the traps of language. I needed nature. I needed art. I was looking for something that wasn’t for sale.
Our culture destroys connection. Alienation is endemic to the system. Nobody knows anybody, nobody knows themselves. We blame and ridicule anyone who reflects the fear that is hidden within ourselves. Those who are suffering the most – the poor, the homeless, the drug addicts, the crazy, the uneducated. Anyone with a political ideology different from our own. Organic human interaction doesn’t exist, all that matters is your ability to sell and your ability to consume. Smile for #instagram, smile for #facebook. Image is everything. Human beings are commodities. We stare into screens, selling ourselves to each other. We desperately hang on for a sense of meaning and purpose to a culture which is destroying the ecosystems that we depend on for life. A culture which transforms our deep emotional need for meaning and connection into a deep emotional need for products.
In 2015 there were 33,000 deaths in America from heroin and prescription opioids. These drugs are pain killers. Pain. Killers. What pain are we trying to kill?
Some of the best people I know are chronic drug users, some of them functional, some of them not so much. What does it mean to be a human being?
Once I got so lonely that I was no longer myself. I was the hive. The people moving to and fro, the traffic, the ambulances, the delivery boys on their bicycles, the junkies, the couples hand in hand on the sidewalks, the children and dogs playing in the park, the street festivals, the subway cars rumbling through their tunnels. It was all me.
The sounds of the city are music. Everything is frequency. It’s buzzing.
Rather than acknowledging and sharing our pain and fear, using vulnerability to connect, we project onto each other. We revert to tribalism. Tribalism and hatred increase when our communities are our screens. Morality and empathy function differently in this environment. There is only the tribe and the Other. The safe space and the enemy. Stronger Together. I’m With Her. Make America Great Again. #BackLivesMatter #BlueLivesMatter Advertising is our culture. #hastag your tribe.
I miss my sister. I miss my whole family. Including my extended family that I don’t really know. Sometimes I think that humans aren’t really supposed to behave like bees in a hive and that we are actually designed to live close to our families and our friends and work close to where we live. Maybe work and life and culture and happiness aren’t supposed to be separate things. “Commute” is a silly word. There’s a hope somewhere deep down that we actually need each other…that people are worth it.
As a straight, college educated, white male, I sometimes feel that I’m not allowed to be upset about the world we live in, I’m not allowed to be hurt by it. I need to #checkmyprivilege. Maybe I just need more drugs.
It’s important for us to be living in a state of constant consumption. After all, what are we if we’re not consumers? What does it mean to be a human being?
Sex sells. Sex is a good product. Orgasms can be counted. How many people have you fucked? I don’t know how to have a genuinely vulnerable emotional connection with another human being. What happens after the orgasm? Connecting with someone who you hope to have an intimate and beautiful relationship with is about selling yourself. Always remember: You Are A PRODUCT.
Make sure you have a great profile pic. It’s important to start out with a clever user name. Never start with your real name. This is advertising, people don’t want to know the real you. Make sure you look sexy at all times. Ugliness doesn’t sell. Swipe your way to happiness. True love is a click away. Everyone’s there. An entire city. A busy hive.
Drugs are Good drugs when society says they’re Good drugs. Good drugs are legal, Bad drugs are illegal.
Good people Hate president Trump. It’s important to have socially acceptable outlets for channeling negative emotions when living in an oppressive culture. Ridiculing and making fun of Trump and his supporters is something we can all do together and share in the fun.
Is it possible that Trump supporters might be human beings too? Is it possible that hatred is just fear and pain turned outward?
How’s your social media presence? What does it mean to have “presence”? where am I when I have #presence? Presence; noun; The state or fact of being present; current existence or occurrence.
Science and technology allow us to track and influence the behavior of massive numbers of human beings. The entire hive. How does the swarm function?
Humans can be tracked by consumption habits and behavior predicted and influenced using algorithms. The more data there is the more accurate the predictions. Eventually feedback loops from past behavior can be used to influence future behavior. What we consume tells us who we are and who we will be. #hashtag it. Humans are just numbers after all. Numbers that can be measured, counted, commodified.
Tech and big data are amazing. It’s really great they way the tech industry helps our economy. Why judge people by the content of their character when there are statistics and algorithms? More products to help the economy grow. What does it mean to be a human being?
After the Civil War, the former slaves were free to make their way in this home of the Free and the Brave. In Florida and other parts of the south, during the reconstruction period, it was common for freed slaves to be thrown in jail for no other reason than the fact that they didn’t have work. Once there, they were forced into chain gangs to build railroads and other infrastructure projects. Many of them died due to terrible conditions and over-work. Railroads were important because they brought industry and technology and economic growth. Economic progress makes the world better.
Every once in a while the screens get turned off. I get the rare chance to talk with friends or co-workers away from the screens and outside of the office environment and I have the impression that they are genuinely interested in having a positive impact in the world and in their community. Why do I feel so alienated at work, and in life? Why are we so disconnected in a world of constant connection? It has something to do with the system, the wider culture. Culture is powerful.
Worker bees working, the rhythms of the hive.
A beautiful fall day in Central Park. An oasis amidst the concrete. The wind blows through the trees, leaves shimmering in the sun. Fractals. The individual elements reflect structural patterns of the whole.
A beehive is an amazing thing. We can’t understand the hive by looking at the behavior of an individual bee, yet the combined behavior of the bees create a new phenomenon that is more than the sum of its parts – the hive. Swarming is like a cultural phenomenon of the hive. It is a pattern of the hive reflected in the bees.
The heroin addict reflects our culture of addiction. The cancer patient reflects our pathological attachment to endless growth. The autistic child reflects a society in which we have lost the ability to empathize, lost the ability to feel. We relate more to machines than to each other and to the earth. A black man murdered in the street reflects a culture in which human life is a just a number. Humans are products. A salesman for president is a reflection of us. It shows us who we are.
The art of the deal. President. Salesman. Don’t forget that you’re for sale. Everyone’s watching.
I don’t have a single person that I feel I can talk to about things that matter to me. I don’t have a single relationship where I feel I can be comfortable being myself, where I feel understood. Attempts that I make to connect are met with rejection. I fail over and over and over again. The relationships I do have are superficial. Why am I so broken? Sometimes I think that I might have something positive to offer.
The personalities that thrive in the modern world are those that embody the traits of psychopathy. Rapid turnover in interpersonal relationships. Lack of any real need for a sense of community or place. Focus on the superficial and image based forms of communication as opposed to depth and nuance. Lack of empathy. Commoditized, fragmented, specialized and depersonalized interactions with others and with the planet. We are all engulfed in this culture. There aren’t any good guys or bad guys. Causality is non-linear. We’re all guilty. We are a society in which the ability to consume is our highest virtue and being poor is a moral failure. Poor people hate themselves and each other for being poor and worship rich people for being rich. Rich people hate themselves just as much as poor people, if not more so. Can you ever consume enough to create an identity? What does it mean to be a human being? Technology, screens and financial capital. Fossil fuels. Endless War. Drone Strikes. 150 to 200 of the species that make up the biosphere of planet earth go extinct every single day. 2,220,300 people incarcerated in the United States of America. Home of the Free and the Brave.
Does the bee comprehend the nature of the hive? There are 7.442 billion human beings on planet earth. The individual human brain does not work with those kinds of numbers. We can’t relate to 7,442,000,000. 7,442,000,000 are not faces that we know. 7,442,000,000 is not connected to place. The way we make sense of 7,442,000,000…is as a product. A product to be exploited and used for all that it’s worth and then discarded a long with the rest of the natural world. Success in our culture, in the industrial juggernaut that we call our economy, comes from the ability to manipulate the largest number of human beings, from figuring out and implementing the most efficient ways of turning human beings and the planet into a #commodity.

hashtag#hastag#hashtag#meme#meme#meme#imageiseverything#cultureisadvertisement#artisproduct#loveisproduct

Shorten your thoughts so your mind doesn’t wander
into the darkness beyond tomorrow.

iamreallyhappy

productsmakemhappy

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The tank clattered down the road, treads ripping up the plascrete, the bow pushing wrecked and burnt cars out of the way, the barrel rock steady even as the great metal beast rocked as it crossed craters. A green mantid had the communications array panel open, half inside, checking the molycirc to try to find a way past the jamming the filled the air with an invisible smothering blanket. The coax on the turret, next to the main gun, moved slightly as the driver looked around, the heavy gun trying to stay lined up with the pilot's vision. The cupola gun was cocked up into the air, on automatic point defense mode, the commander half out of the hatch. The loader and communications specialist's guns were on point defense, the system whining softly as the two heavy machineguns tracked the sky. The armor was pitted and scorched in places, but no blowthroughs or even deep penetrations.
Behind it walked four power armor troops, all with the markings of the Second Telkan Marine Division. One was pristine, unmarred, two were dinged and scuffed, and the last one was not only cracked, scarred, gouged, and cratered, but was also missing the left arm a few inches below the shoulder. Two robots followed, one limping with a damaged leg, the other beeping out a merry tune as it rolled behind the Telkan Marines. Both were scorched, scored, and had pitted armor.
"How you holding up, Ralvex?" one of the Telkan Marines asked the one without an arm.
"Fine," Ralvex said, chewing on a piece of gum.
"They'll get in contact with command and we'll get you to a field hospital, get that arm taken care of," another said.
The one with an unmarred suit shrugged. "I don't know. There's something weird going on."
"OK, so I'm not crazy. Something beyond normal SNAFU is slapping our cheeks," the first one said. Ralvex couldn't be sure who it was, his helmet had taken a couple hard hits during the last fight and his IFF could ping friendly but couldn't get the additional ID data.
"You all right back there?" a Terran voice broke in. "You can mount the tank if you want."
"Any word on other tanks?" Ralvex asked.
"No. Communications beyond direct line of sight with whisker lasers is spotty at best and even the whiskers are getting jammed to hell and back by micro-prism," the Terran said. "We were thinking it was us, but 883 is pretty sure it's more than that."
Ralvex jumped up on the back of the tank, sitting down and leaning against the mortar tube cover, which was rolled back to let the little 60mm indirect fire weapons breathe.
"You OK, champ? Arm hurting?" the Terran tank commander asked, turning to look at Ralvex.
"My wrist itches. Unfortunately my wrist is about sixty miles behind us," Ralvex said.
The machineguns suddenly oriented, all facing west, and Ralvex rolled off the tank, landing on his feet on the road. The four Telkan Marines moved to the east side of the tank, hunkering down, bringing out their rifles as the barrel slowly rotated to the west.
"CONTACTS INCOMING! FIVE, SIX, AIRMOBILE!" the gunner called out over the channel.
Ralvex hefted his mag-pistol. His green mantid buddy, 525, exited the clamshell between Ralvex's shoulders and climbed up on one pauldron, holding a micro-missile launcher.
The four craft were blocky, like aircraft made of blocks, the top center of the fuselage covered in thick cables and tubes, with four crysteel globes that two or three glowed blue on each of them. Their thrusters sputtered but still put out enough thrust to keep the craft in the air and moving forward at a fast clip.
The main gun of the tank roared, the grass on that side of the highway flattening in a cone shape. The lead aircraft exploded as the main gun round of a heavy tank hit it dead center with a round usually reserved for the larger heavily armored ground units.
The machineguns opened up, the front of the other three aircraft growing deadly orange and yellow blossoms of explosions. Ralvex squinted, watching as the ammunition hammered apart the battle-screens on the ships before chewing the ships apart. The main gun fired again, the tank rocking slightly to the side on its stabilizers even as it kept moving forward. The automatic systems followed the larger pieces of wreckage until the hit the ground, pounding them with more ammunition.
"Compliments, 770, for getting the tracking software's accuracy back. Looks like 97% hits," the tank commander said.
The green mantid, hidden somewhere in the tank's maintenance spaces, flashed a gratified icon back.
Ralvex scratched the lumps and rough armor patch on the stump, hoping it would make the itching go away as the tank kept moving and the Marines fell back in behind it. Ralvex jumped back up on the deck and leaned against the mortar tube cover again, closing his eyes.
He was bone weary. He'd fought for almost sixteen hours straight, had been on his feet for almost twenty-four hours. His suit wouldn't give him any more stimgum, his water tasted flat, and just the thought of trying to consume a ration made his stomach clench and twitch.
"Any of you Telkans suffering any headaches?" the EW tech from the tank asked. "Push wants to know."
Pushes against the Grave was the tank's medic, a russet colored mantid with a pair of green stripes down the sides of her thorax and abdomen.
"Nope," all the Telkans said.
"I've got one," Ralvex admitted.
There was silence for a moment and the russet mantid, clad in black body armor, climbed out and moved over to Ralvex.
"Is your arm hurting you, Marine?" Push asked, her voice soft and soothing.
"No, but the stump is killing me," Ralvex said.
The mantid medic chuckled. "Let me check your armor systems, get your vitals."
Ralvex held out his remaining hand, the medical panel popping open on his forearm. The russet mantid slipped the end of a bladearm into the proper slot and Ralvex saw almost transparent data flow by.
"Aside from the arm, you've got a serious case of exhaustion, minor dehydration, but I'm more worried about your neural scans," the mantid said.
"I've had a headache since the last part of the battle," Ralvex admitted.
"Got down to your chainsword, didn't it?"
"Yeah. My guns were gone, I'd lost my arm, my little buddies were down to point defense and light guns," Ralvex admitted. He sighed. "Had a town behind me, I couldn't back off."
"You should have stayed behind, they might have been able to get commo running," the Mantid said.
Ralvex shook his head. "There's a company of tanks and two platoons of Telkan Marines guarding the town now. They'll be fine."
"Friendly contact incoming," the EW tech called out. He'd barely finished speaking when the six aircraft, all Space Force Aerospace Force, roared by barely a hundred meters off the deck. They were close enough that Ralvex's armor ID'd the weapon clusters that were deployed from the storage lockers. Heavy anti-armor rounds as well as dual purpose rounds and three heavy cannons.
"They passed us a package. Nap of Earth terrain mapping and unit placements with timestamps," the EW officer said. "Passing Manfred the commo pack, got some stuff that will require my EW deck to decrypt."
"Anyone close to us?" the tank commander asked.
"Still decrypting. Got an emergency header, hang on," the EW officer said. After a moment he spoke again. "Everyone got to stage two on their psychic shielding, mantid troops move to stage three. The package the flyboys delivered claims that the enemy is using psychic warfare mechanisms and tactics."
There was silence for a moment.
"And planetwide the SUDS are red-dotted," he said softly.
"I'll be back. Go ahead and tab up a stimgum, I reset your counters," Push said, clambering back up to the commander's hatch. "Let me check all of you."
There was silence for a while, just the far off sounds of combat and twice the low rumble of an atomic detonation over the horizon.
"Well?" The tank commander asked.
"It's right. All of your SUDS are red-dotted. I've never seen all three dots go red before," Push said, her voice soft. "By the Confederate Uniform Code of Military Justice, all of you are medically relieved of any combat actions."
"Well, tell the clankers that," the tank commander said.
Push gave a sound that passed for a sigh. "We're actively engaged in battlefield maneuvering, I can't order you out at this time. I can only give my recommendation."
"And that is?" The tank commander's voice was tight.
"Continue operations. First rule of leadership they taught us was to never give an order you know cannot or will not be obeyed," Push said. "I've worked with all of you almost a century, I know you will refuse to hide. We're tankers, we don't hide."
Ralvex caught the important part. We, that made all the difference. Tanks had made all the difference during the Telkan Wars.
"All right, we'll continue on mission. Jax, what's the nearest friendly unit we can link up with?" the commander asked his commo tech.
"Some of this data is hours old. It's random, looks like these guys are running air superiority missions. Good thing we don't use liquid fuel like the old days, these guys have been in the air for over twenty hours," Jax, the Communications Technician answered. "Hang on, let's see. We've got a flight of skulls supposedly off to our south by south-west," he suddenly laughed. "Supposedly there's a brigade of Telkan Marine Infantry dug in sixty miles to our north."
That made a couple people snort and one of the Telkan say "Psst, Ralvex, they mean you."
"So, the unit placements are probably out of date," the TCO grumbled. "Any bases?"
"Got a BOLO, looks like Carver, about eight hundred miles to east," Jax said.
"If he's engaged in active combat, we need to stay away," the TCO said.
"Got an ordnance unit, dug in at a children's hospital, but that's four hours ago and they were under heavy attack," Jax said. He was quiet a moment. "OK, got one. There's a Telkan Marine striker base only about a hundred and fifty miles out. Medical, commo, ordnance, maintenance. Looks ad-hoc but it's the closest thing resembling a base right now."
"All right, Telkan, help your little buddies up on the back deck then mount up. We'll push the speed up, get us there in a few hours instead of all day," the TCO barked out.
Ralvex moved over and helped lift Stampy and Timmy up onto the back deck. Stampy played a happy tune and rubbed against the turret with glee. Timmy rolled in a circle then crouched down, maglocking himself to the deck and facing to the rear of the tank. The other three Telkan jumped up on the tank and the tank picked up speed.
They were rolling through fields of grain, the battle-screens tuned to push it aside rather than burn it down. Ralvex nodded with the bouncing, kind of hovering between awake and asleep. His arm hurt him, his head ached, his knees hurt, and his back ached. 525 put up a sleeping icon from inside the dented clamshell protective housing.
"OUT OF THE WAY, JACKASS!" the TCO suddenly shouted the ancient Terran movement warning. Ralvex looked up in time to see a car of Hesstlin make almost get crushed by the tank as the tank exited one field, crossed the road, and entered the other field.
Ravlex noticed the car was missing a door and most of the windows.
Then it was gone and the tank cruised back into the grain, the treads clattering and the battlescreen whispering as it shoved the grain aside. Once again the tank started gently rocking as the treads crushed the furrows beneath them.
"Play some music, give anyone hiding in the fields warning. Let's not run over some poor bastard fleeing for their life," the TCO said.
"MOVE, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!" roared out over the tank's PA system. "GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!"
Ralvex relaxed slightly, turning his remaining hand palm-up and bringing up the book Walking with the Digital Omnimessiah, turning to his favorite chapter and starting to read. He still hurt, but reading the account of Enraged Phillip walking for thirty days and thirty nights across the blasted landscape of Mercury made his injuries recede. Several times he prayed, for strength, for courage, but most of all, for patience.
His comlink started to click for a few moments before the voice came in. Full of static with the odd warble that heavily jammed commo got, but a voice all the same.
"Unknown unit at 327, ID. Unknown unit at 327, transmit ID and activate transponder," the voice stated.
"This is the Copperhead Road, Third Platoon, Charlie Company, 22nd Battalion, 5th Brigade, 4th Regiment, 2nd Armor Division (Heavy Metal)," the TCO answered. "We've got some guys from Second Telkan Marines."
There was silence for a second. "Say again, Coppa Load, repeat your last, over."
The TCO sighed. "Charlie-3-3, 2nd Armor," he said.
"We read you at 'Charlie-3-3, Two-AD," came the reply. "Drop speed to fifteen mikes, we're sending a striker out to check your wake, over."
"Roger," the TCO said. The line clicked. "We're less than five miles from them and it sounds like extra-system hyperlink during a high stellar cycle."
"Doing my best. This interference is weird," the Commo Tech said.
Ralvex 'turned' the page with a thought and started to read the Proverbs of the Release of Hate, to himself, mumbling aloud in his helmet with his mic turned off. They helped calm him, let him feel that cool feeling deep inside that he always got reading the words of the Digital Omnimessiah.
When the striker roared overhead Ralvex looked up at it. Long, lethal looking, stubby wings with rocket and gun-pods deployed, the massive graviton systems lit up with whirling blue light. He could see the side doors were opened, Telkan Marines on the door guns. His three companions waved to the gunners, who waved back.
Ralvex went back to his book, using the words to hold off the pain.
The tank slowly rumbled to the striker base, weaving through the S-curve entrance that was designed to prevent an enemy from streaming straight into the base. Torches were flaring as battlesteel shielding was being put up and gun mount towers were being built. Inside was chaos, Terrans, Telkans, Treana'ad, Rigellians, Mantids all moving quickly to carry out tasks. He saw several hoverdiscs carrying entire teams of green mantids moving from place to place, loaded with little foot tall green mantids in body armor and their tools.
A Terran with two flashlights stepped in front of the tank, guiding it right, and walking in front of it. An open space had been prepared along with a maintenance scaffolding, nearly two dozen greenies waiting with tools.
The TCO pulled into the scaffold and shut down Copperhead Road. The tanks went dead, no more vibration, and it felt odd to Ralvex, like life had suddenly left the giant machines.
"Private Ralvex?" a Terran asked, stepping from the scaffolding to the back deck of the tank.
Ralvex shut off the book and looked up. "Yes, sir?"
"I'm Lieutenant Doughty, with 61st MedCom. Let's get you into the aid station and out of the armor so we can get a look at your arm," the Terran said. He held out his hand. "Can you get to your feet?"
Ralvex nodded, grabbing the Terran's hand and letting himself be heaved up. "Make sure my Stampy and my Timmy get maintenance. Stampy's hellbore is blown out."
"We will, Marine," the Terran promised. "Let's get you to the aid station."
Ralvex let himself be helped down. When he saw the stretcher he shook his head. "I can walk."
"I know you can, but we need diagnostics and to set your bio-baseline when you're at rest," the Terran said. "Go ahead and lie down, Marine."
"Yes, sir," Ralvex said. He checked and saw that 525 was still sleeping. "My greenie's asleep."
"We'll get him medical attention too. He's a little beat up, we'll take care of him," the Terran promised.
Ralves sighed and sat down on the stretcher, feeling the hoversystems bobble a bit to get his weight steady. He went still as articulated metal cables slithered up and connected to his armor. He could see data flashing by and feel the cool trickle in his neural link of data being transferred from own nervous system to the compudoc on the stretcher.
The two Terrans guided the hoverstretcher into the aid station. Ralvex kept staring up, repeating his mantras. His arm hurt, even though it was missing, his knee hurt, and his back hurt. He could hear a Terran arguing that he wasn't hurt that bad, head wounds bled a lot. He heard a Treana'ad lament that he could really use a cigarette before they put two of his legs in a cast.
"OK, Marine, go ahead and sit up so we can treat your battle-buddy," a Terran said.
Ralvex winced as he sat up, the muscles in his back complaining. He heard the clamshell open and 525 was disconnected from the system. When he looked over he saw 525 laying on a little stretcher. The little green mantid waved at him, flashing a smiley emoji and Ralvex flashed one back.
"Lay back down," a nurse ordered. When Ralvex followed the instructions a second or two passed and his armor disconnected from his nervous system then the neural jack withdrew from the base of his skull.
He felt weird. Like he was drifting, like part of him was missing, as the pressure sleeve relaxed and the suit went dark inside. After a moment his helmet was removed, with Terran hands holding his head still as his collar was removed and a neck brace put on.
"My neck is not injured," Ralvex said.
"We don't know that yet. Your helmet has hi-vee impact marks, you might have a fractured vertebrae or ruptured cervical disk," the nurse said, putting her soft warm hand on his brow. "Don't worry, Marine, we'll take care of you."
They removed the front of his armor, then used tractopressor beams to lift him to a examination cradle. He relaxed as he heard it begin to whir and chuckle to itself.
"Do we have the arm?" an authoritative female voice asked.
"No, ma'am," the nurse said. "He lost it in battle."
"All right, compress his suit logs and run injury analysis on them while I do an examination," the female said. She appeared in Ralvex's vision and smiled.
Her face was scarred, a bad plasma burn across the entire left side of her face and head, making the perfect ear in the middle of the scar tissue look strange.
"I'm Captain Zeraphi," she said. "I'll be handling your treatment."
"There were others more heavily injured than me," Ralvex started to protest.
"Don't worry about them, Marine. Let's take a look at your arm and figure out our options," she said. She smiled at Ralvex. "Nighty-night, Marine."
Ralvex opened his mouth to protest and blackness sucked him down.
--------------------------
DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
It's spreading, isn't it?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE
Yes. It is a cascade resonance corruption. It spread out of the military SUDSbanks, to the civilian backups, and is spreading across the entire system.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
MANTID FREE WORLDS
What's causing it?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE
By comparing the initially corrupted templates to active military members, we've determined that units coreward in the Disputed Zone is where it started. When it jumped to the civilian templates, it encountered the leakage from the Telkan broodcarriers, which it merged with.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
Are the broodcarriers making it better or worse?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
RIGELLIAN SAURIAN COMPACT
I can't see the broodcarrier song making things worse.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE
Not worse. Different. There is a noticeable difference between the initial corruption and the Telkan broodcarrier merged corruption signal. The largest difference is that the combined signals do not migrate and spread to new templates. Once the broodcarrier song interlocks with the corruption, that template no longer infects others.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
RIGELLIAN SAURIAN COMPACT
That's good. In the last month or so a lot of ducklings, hatchlings, even ducks have started humming the broodcarrier songs. I'd hate for there to be a problem that way.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
You know, that could be a good thing. If it's spreading into that damaged code, it might be making it easier to identify.
Can you purge it? Maybe copy over the corrupted data with cold-storage backups?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE
Limited attempts at doing so saw an increase of corruption due to the data-transfer.
Whatever is doing this, it's damaging the entire SUDS network.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
MANTID FREE WORLDS
That's not good. How many Terrans has it affected so far?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE
The percentage of Terran Descent Humans with SUDS connection that has not been affected is so small as to be statistically insignificant and as close to zero as mathematically possible when dealing with such large numbers.
It has even spread to Digital Sentients and Biological Artificial Sentients.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
Most of the backups that weren't in cold storage have corrupted hashes.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CLONE WORLDS CONSORTIUM
Our backups are being affected also.
Over 60% of our mental engram lineages are corrupted beyond recovery unless we can clear this signal and restore from cold backups.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SYSTEMS
We can still resleeve, but it has to be done at local levels. Like a Clone-My-Shit-Up or something. No hypercom-jumps.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
So, this means that SUDS immortality for the Terrans is gone?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COLLECTIVE
Not exactly. Emergency direct Soulchip transfer still works. But any attempt at transmission that uses the SUDS lines the data immediately becomes corrupted.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
Do they know?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
We know.
/////////
MANTID FREE WORLDS
Are you all right?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
Are you well, father?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
What should we do, father?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
We do what we have always done.
Endure, face the coming darkness with eyes of burning passion, and refuse to give in to despair.
////////
MANTID FREE WORLDS
You sound off. Are you sure you're all right?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
I am all right, beloved little sister.
Balance is being restored.
The fruit of the Tree of Life will once again taste sweet and be savored.
/////////
RIGELLIAN SAURIAN COMPACT
Wait, isn't that from the Pathways of Life?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
MANTID FREE WORLDS
Yeah, it is. Those are the words of the Digital Omnimessiah.
Wait...
YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
All things come to an end. Humanity has tasted immortality and found that the longer you drink, the more bland it tastes. A lesson that should have been learned from The Immortals but all of humanity needed to learn.
The SUDS was a weapon, a blessing, and a curse.
It was only a matter of time until someone discovered how to disrupt it.
We do not fear the long darkness, but we will not submit, instead, we will rage against the dying light.
////////
TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
Man, this conversation just took a weird twist.
You sound really different.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
Now is the time for contemplation and introspection, not panic.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Mantid, you once said, not too long ago, that if we, humanity, ever wonders why we were created by this spiteful universe, look no further than now.
It was more true than you believe.
////////
MANTID FREE WORLDS
How so?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
Something is coming. From coreward. From the Great Hub.
It does not come in friendship and peace.
Like the Mar-gite, they come to devour.
Dark days lie ahead, my children. Hold fast to one another and hold your lights up high, take comfort in one another, and together, we shall endure this dark night until the breaking of a new dawn.
Remember: And a child shall lead us.
>TERRASOL HAS LEFT THE CHAT
TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
Anyone else really creeped out?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
[first] [prev] [last appearance] [next]

It’s Laura’s wedding day, so she steals a shirt from Tiffany for shoulder-exposed courage and decides to have a talk with Liam about his bath misadventure with Aladdin. She brings him his tux and says it’s not Liam’s place to decide whether or not they have children.
“Just because I’m older, doesn’t mean that I’m not capable.” Um, no Laura, that’s exactly what that means. Did you watch last night’s Before the 90 Days? You’re gonna need someone to tote it.
Liam reminds Laura that she previously said that she was going to support him through college, and then once he got out they were going to support each other. Then he saw Colt and Debbie on 90DF, and saw the dark side of such codependent arrangements.
“I don’t want to eat beef stew from a baby bowl in Las Vegas while you defend your slot machine’s honor. I don’t want to call my wife ‘mother’ by accident. So I’m going to apologize for being toxic to you and Aladdin, and for being preoccupied with the flaws of your union. Can we never go on dates?” All 90 DF wisdom comes from children.
“Just give the guy a chance. He doesn’t want to be your stepfather. He wants to be a friend,” Laura says. That sound is Akinyi running from Kenya.
Now Laura can get ready, and since her preferred corduroy overalls and gingham shirt are in the warsh, she has no choice but to marry in a richly adorned wedding dress. Daniel complains less about life in South Africa than Laura does about being waterboarded into fine clothing. Laura emphasizes the style of this dress by repeating “bling-bling,” which is the latest phrase-phrase to join Laura Two-Time’s vocabulary-vocabulary.
Liam is still wearing the hat that looks like it sprung a leak on one side for the wedding, but he’s added a camel tooth necklace, completing the look of Crocodile DunDon’t. Aladdin looks like the sex in his tux, and his massive family and clan of friends are all smiles, save for a woman in the crowd that covers her eyes to block the burn of rhinestones when the couple trades ring-rings. Liam apologizes to Aladdin for his bad attitude, and the whole fam dances and passes Liam’s magic hat.
“Let’s jiggy-jiggy.” Cringey-cringey.
“GOOD jiggy-jiggy.” Stop it-stop it.
Over in Brazil, Paul is making his son cry, because babies sense danger, and the wee sprout can’t fathom why his perfectly spelled name is pronounced Pee-Yare-Eee by his father figure. Paul’s mom has been controlling Paul with her hair, so the whole visit has brought rare moments of peace. When Paul goes to the store, Karine uses her translator app to ask Mother Paul to smuggle her out of the room and into the car waiting downstairs. When that doesn’t work out, she asks her to talk to Paul about being an adult, or she’s going to need help wrapping his body in a tarp. Mother Paul has known Paul his entire life, so she anticipated this request.
Mother and son go for a walk, and it’s hot enough that Mother Paul looks like she’s just had a prison shower. She tells Paul that she has to retire, and he can’t keep depending on her financially, which apparently he does, a lot. This explains how he finagled airfare on a shit-shoveler’s salary. She tells him that he’s going to need what we common folk call a “job” which is like money without the parent.
“Things aren’t as easy as people think,” contemplates Paul.
“Did you think it would be easy?” Mother Paul asks. Paul’s baffled expression says yes, except for the dangerous toxins oozing from the amazon into his penis, and the wayward baby-hunting bullets.
“Don’t be such a pussy,” says Jeniffer, sending advice from Columbia.
Unfortunately, Paul’s mom can’t stay there forever and won’t take Paul with her, so it’s time to load her into her escape pod before Paul can ask for a loan.
“Your hair smells good,” is Paul’s parting salutation, in honor of his mother’s magic. You did that on purpose Paul, and I appreciate it. You’re going to be on tv longer than the Kardashians.
Paul needs to accelerate anxiety in the aftermath of his mom’s departure to make up for lost time, so he waddles up the stairs to ask Karine if she still wants a divorce. After marinating on options, he decides to go with straight poetry.
“You want divorce?”
“No.”
“You want me beat dead horse?”
“No.”
“Are you sure? It still kicking. Are you sure? Divorce? Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“No? Yes? No? Yes? Me go? You go? You stay me go? Me stay you go? Go stay go? Take a dna test? STD test? SAT test? Are you cheating on me? Do my balls itch? Is it the Amazon River dick worms? Pee-Yar-Eee DNA test?”
(Translator app): “Shut up, Paul.”
Paul then busies himself terrorizing his child with a fuzzy rabbit while he cries, before Karine comes back and rescues him from nightmares of carrots and giant teeth. Karine tells the producers that she hangs on because she hopes he’ll change. Do you have a tranquilizer gun, Karine? I hear those are privately called The Change-maker.
Here’s Suckit, coming soon to an Intro to Psychology class near you. Fellow raisedbynarcissists, step into my protective circle, where a psychic shield will save you from his empty soulful expressions and expressions of remorse for the things he’s going to keep doing anyway.
Suckit has spent seven days away from Jenny, which is an eternity in douchebag time, before receiving special permission from his family to visit her. Jenny has spent five months in India, and we have no idea what she’s done in that time, other than blindside us with flesh-colored pants.
The doorbell rings, and like many women who “totally didn’t know” she greets her married boyfriend with open arms.
“I don’t want to lose you,” declares currently-married Suckit. “I got married, and after that, I tried.” Let’s review the timeline real quick:
Year of All Bullshit: Jenny meets Suckit online, through a fake profile he’s created, using some other dude’s photo.
As the Deception Turns: Suckit marries. He reveals portions of his true identity to Jenny, but tells her nothing about his marriage. This first year is apparently when “he tried” and his wife was happy.
Four score and seven lies ago: Suckit convinces Jenny to abandon her life in the states and move to India to be with him, promising that he’ll marry her so she can remain there permanently.
Year of the Dog: Jenny arrives, and Suckit insists that his family is trying to keep them apart. He tells her they’ll do a ring ceremony, which is like an engagement, and promises Jenny’s daughter he won’t hurt her.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times: Suckit’s father-in-law snatches him back, and tells Jenny that he’s married. Would he have ever told Jenny the truth? Probably not.
Present douche: Suckit insists that he’s been victimized by marriage. “I say it’s not working out, but nobody listens.” Jenny has no idea what he actually says to his wife and family at home.
To demonstrate that her priorities are not exactly perfectly aligned either, Jenny lists every item in her apartment like Steve Martin’s slow exit in The Jerk, and asserts that she has “nothing” back home, except for this lamp. In reality, she has 1.) A daughter and daughter-in-law, and 2.) A place to sleep. This is a whole lot of something to me.
Then she asks Sumit what he wants, as one does once the lie-discovery stage of the investigation is complete. She’s ready for Congress. He says he doesn’t want Jenny to leave, and is ready to fight for their relationship. By this he means that he expects several more months to pass where he’ll ask for just a little more time, while remaining involved with both of them.
“Was this fair to me?” Jenny asks. No Jenny, it wasn’t. But you’re not really a person to Suckit, just a supporting character in his story. “Should we just end it?” WTF Jenny. You are exactly who he was looking for.
Suckit says his wife has to agree to a divorce. You see, now it’s his wife fault that he had an affair their entire marriage, and for however long they were dating before that (if they were), and the burden of their future rests with her. Does he have kids? Who is this poor woman, and why does she have to suffer this?
Jenny admits they’ll probably never see each other again, and once she returns she’ll have to start over. This is the most grounded thing I’ve heard Jenny say, but I suspect they’ll continue carrying on with Facebook emojis and wild adolescent declarations of love indefinitely.
Their story is so sour this episode would have left me flatlined if it wasn’t for Daniel. Tiffany is surprised to learn that a life of loneliness and squalor is threatening to Hoover the Disney princess out of Daniel, who remains too sweet for this world. Much like a creature living in the ocean with talking fish companions, Daniel finds cause for celebration in their sad South African manor: “I finally get to leave this gate! Wheeee!” Then little birds and butterflies dance through his hair, and a talking teapot clacks a farewell with its lid.
The kickstand in Tiffany’s brain is slowly lifting, with: “My common sense is telling me, ‘Don’t live here.’” What’s common sense doing here? Did it get lost on the way to see Jenny?
Tiffany and Ronald take Daniel to a post-apocalypse playground for a little used-syringe tag and broken glass tetherball. When I was a kid we used to play “try and push the boulder” at an abandoned construction site, so I’m thinking a little imagination will really put some lipstick on this hellscape. Tiffany asks Daniel what he thinks about South Africa, and he says that he doesn’t like the parks, or the fences, or the danger. He says it’s safer in America. Daniel has never visited the exotic American lands of Cleveland, Chicago, and Flint, or the white knuckle 7-11 these-colors-don’t-run it’s-the-aliens hayride of Parkersburg, West Virginia.
Daniel says it’s really tough to choose between having a dad and living on the set of The Road. Tiffany says that she doesn’t want him to have the stress of making that decision. Then I blacked out. Where did Mother Tiffany come from? Since when do parents act like parents on this show? How did the editors let this sneak by?
Ronald takes Tiffany to the edge of a cliff for a romantic view of crime. She says that she has something important to talk to him about.
“Oh snap,” says Ronald, making it easier for her.
She tells him that after three months in South Africa, it doesn’t feel like the right place for her and Daniel. “I’m putting a lot of financial pressure on you, and I’m afraid of you having a relapse.” This is “it’s not me, it’s you; I’m just so merciful” escape act for partners of addicts.
She says America is safe, which is true if you’re not a black dude or a woman and manage to avoid a shooting at an elementary school, movie theater, garlic festival, night club, or country concert. Tiffany says she wants to go back home and try to bring Ronald to the US instead. His criminal record might seem like a point of exclusion, but mi prison colony is su prison colony. Ronald reports that he is sad, while Tiffany looks like she’s going to run skipping down the cliff side, throwing flowers in the air, with daydreams of epidurals dancing through her head.
Next week: Deavan also finds cause to complain about costumes, Tiffany makes several more references to Ronald’s addiction, Cory plans an elaborate proposal for the woman who doesn’t want to get married, and Jenny packs a suitcase and cries.
Thank you thank you Patreon supporters!

• New bundles on the store: Mobster Bundle, Mobster Hammer Bundle, Mobster Whitemane Bundle, Mobster Junkrat and Mobster Orphea. Also Mobster Getaway Car and Mobster Raccoon. Sadly, the store itself hasn't been updated on the server so nothing here are visible there.
• Promo Bundle (for a legendary 30 event boost). Unsure if it's just the boost or something else too.
• Raccoon is a normal mount, sadly without a Sly Cooper tint, Getaway Sidecar a bike mount, and Celestial Crab is a surf mount.
• New Sprays: Blizzcon 19 Nexus Heart, Mobster Reward Orphea Junkrat and Hammer
• Static Sprays: Orphea Card, Raccoons, Chomp, Card Junkrat, Whitemane, Junkrat, Card Whitemane, Whitemane Singer, Card Hammer and Hammer Car.
• Animated Sprays Junkrat Roulette, Hammer Eyes, Junkrat, Tychus, Coin Raccoon, Slot Machine, Dice Snake Eyes.
• Emoji Mobster Pack. Animated emojis: :mobsterhammer: :mobsterjunkrat: :mobsterorphea: :mobsterraccoon: :mobsterwhitemane:
• New portraits: Mobster Kaelthas, Junkrat, Hammer, Gazlowe, Car Eyes, Brightwing, Tyrande, Tychus, Raccoon, Orphea, Malganis, Lost Vikings, Azmodan.
• The 4 spooky reward portraits from last year's halloween event now drops from Fall of King's Crest lootboxes.
• There's a GPU2020 event. It does some stuff when the gates are opening during the countdown, maybe they're testing some graphics improvements and seeing the effect on players' computers?
• Damage Taken frame on the tab screen now became Self healing frame
• Mobster Quest Event: There's at least 8 quests, 2 Junkrat, 2 Hammer, 2 Orphea, Goons and Whitemane.
• Rewards are: Mobster Junkrat Icon (2 Junkrat), Mobster Hammer Icon (2 Hammer), Orphea (2 Orphea) Goons and Whitemane icons. There's also some sprays which I guess are for the 1st junkrat, etc.
• Multiple AI Heroes now identify mercs and minions separatedly, and in some cases they're also taking map creatures into account where they didn't beforehand.
• AI is also changed on Braxis, they'll go for the beacon more aggresively.
• Some laning units are no longer considered minions or mercs. Units impacted: Cavalry, Garden Teror, Webweavers, Cryptcrawlers, Immortals, the full zerg wave.
• Lane Immortals are still on 4.3984 speed. I'm beginning to think they won't be updated.
• AI is now notified better by some abilities being casted: Master of Destruction, Pyroblast, Frost Blast.
• Stuns, Structure Disable, Displacement, Eaten and Death now use DisableAbils instead of AbilClassDisable. This fixes a number of exploits. JeffB you told me not to expect the change for this patch, but you delivered.
• Anub'Arak Beetles now deal double damage to Mercs and Map Creatures. This is just because they're no longer considered minions. There's way too many of these changes with no visible effect so I'll just skip them. Rexxar's Easy Prey is not working correctly, but some map creatures (like the ones in Infernal Shrines are not flagged correctly and thus it works correctly right now).
• Artanis mid dash (the 0.25 where he pauses between the initial Dash and return Dash) now can get interrupted by Daze, Fear, Poly, Root, Stasis and Stun. It used to only be correctly interrupted by Fear and Roots only, making you stuck on terrain.
• Azmodan All Shall Burn now gets canceled by death and special death states, instead of only death.
• Butcher's Weapon Glow upon quest completion had its opacity changed.
• Diablo's Q now modifies Diablo's Radius, fixing an edge case where Q'ing a unit that had a smaller radius than Diablo and going through a corner may interrupt the knockback prematurely.
• Jaina's Icy Veins no longer defaults to pre-2017 mana values on her W and E after using it. How the hell did this get through everyone for so many years?
• Leoric's Wraith Walk now moves at 4.8398.
• Lili's Blinding Wind can no longer pick Revolving Qhira or Vaulting Maiev as their targets.
• Nova Roller Derby and Widow skins are now flagged for Altered VO.
• Misha now slows 100% of the time with Frenzy of Kalimdor instead of 90%. I'm pretty sure I saw this fix a long time ago.
• Zeratul now has a 5th variation on the Unraveler Skin.
• Misha's 40% MS buff while her pet is mounted now works at a 6 range (was 4.5).
• There's some debug triggers leftover, I don't think they're accesible on a matchmade game, but if you find people modifying death timers or wizards minions into sappers, this is the cause. I don't expect these to go live.
• Cassia had a Try mode bugfix, Titan's Revenge no longer persist through resetting talents.
• Anduin's Shadow is now rendered differently.
• Cho and DVa have new triggers to apply the hero unit. I expect this to fix things like Ana's Nanoboost CDR not working on baby DVa.
• Hanzo's Base skin now reset materials (I don't know what this means, but there's likely someone that knows about models that can clue me in).
• Hanzo's Base skin has a new 5th variation, Green Ghost.
• Qhira's Revolving Sweep visual guide now has a range of 8.75. This means that units slightly out of range no longer will be highlighted. We're missing like 4 more abilities that I know of and we won't have mismatched highlights anymore.
• Revolving Sweep secondary activation now has the talents on the tooltip.
• Swing Life Away is no longer being applied when you reactivate Sweep, but insted on the kick's impact, gaining 0.0625+ duration on the armor.
• Qhira has a new interaction with Lady Vashj. Note that this isn't a 100% confirmation, as there's some interaction with non playable heroes for years in the files.
• Orphea's Shadow Waltz bug fix. The description of it is completely wrong. The bug fix does not make you gain 40 mana twice with one cast (once for hitting the Q and once for dashing) but is a fix for Allegrissimo, where hitting with your Q before the Shadow Waltz buff expires will not refund the 40 mana. Now it does. Now, Allegrisimo/En Pointe is still not fixed on the 0.25 max range department, and seeing Qhira's Sweep being fixed because of a unit highlight mismatch makes Orphea weep.
• Stukov's Weighted pustule now appears with an icon on the Death Recap.
• Ragnaros Tempered Flame supposedly no longer stacks with an old E cast. I say it this way because I can see it on the triggers what they wanted to do, but it's still stacking.
• Yrel's Bubble Hearth now uses DisableAbils instead of AbilClassDisable.

Hello guys, since i saw that my precedent post about meta healers been really well received, i thought that i could make another edition, this time, for the manliest of the manliest of the men, that's right, i'm talking about the TANKS!It's also because i've got a lot of free time tod.. the 3rd anniversary is at the corner, and we'll get a lot of new players or ancient ones that want to start or resume their adventure for the occasion.
Anyways, that said, let's get straight to the point, shall we?Before we go any further, let me tell you that, like Healers, there is different types of Tanks out there.We've got :

• Physical Tanks
• Magical Tanks

Obviously, it's self explanatory, Physical tanks duty is to take care of magical physical attacks and magical tanks, for.. You got it, PHYSICAL ATTACKS! uuuuh, wait, i think my maths are wrong here..
But it's not that simple, we've got subcategories between these 2 kind of Tanks, which are :

• Physical Tanks- ^{Provoke Tanks}- ^{Cover Tanks}(Though most of them can be played as Provoke and Cover tanks, and in some cases, even at the same time)- ^{Evade tanks}
• Magical tanks- ^{Provoke Tanks}- ^{Cover Tanks}If you haven't figured it out yet, Provoke tanks are tanks that will focus on taking on the ST (Single Target) attacks and the cover, the AoE ones.In some cases, those ST or AoE attacks will have the possibility to be dodged, and this is possible by having an evade tank. We'll go more into that in detail later on.. (actually, right sooner than you've probably expected)edit : Forgot to make a section about evasion gear, will do later.

​

The Stats Tanks utilize the most : 

Indeed, that's an important subject, these guys takes all the hits for us, obviously, they'll have to be strong, and for that they need..

HP (Health Points)

• Obviously, HP is their main stats, this is the stat you want to prioritize the most, in most cases. Basically, HP is good for a tank because.. (if you got 0hp on an unit it dies) it's a stats that mitigate physical and magical damages as well. I'm clearly not smart enough to go more in details there, but if you can and want to explain me/us, go ahead, enlighten me! ^{(aka do the job for me hehe})In general, you want to have a good Amount of HP as well with your main defensive stat. For instance a physical tank would want a bunch of HP and DEF. That doesn't mean you don't care about the SPR, but usually, it's almost impossible to get huge amount of those 3 stats on a character.

DEF (DEFENSE)

• That's right, those big bois that that wears Heavy Armor, Heavy Shields, usually wants a lot of thisNot much to add there..

SPR (SPIRIT)

• This is the stat you want to focus on, besides HP on a Magical tank, will help you to mitigate magical attacks

​
Okay so, with that out of the Table, let's actually talk about Tanks, let's review all the Notorious unit that helped/helps us to fight against Gumi the evil!

Before we dive deeper, let me tell you that i'm not going to review every tank unit that is in the game, i'll talk about those i see the most, and those i think are still relevant in the today meta. But don't be too sad, i'll probably edit this post later or tomorrow to add more if i see people talking about this or that unit. Talking about them would require a lot of time and effort, which i'm not willing to put because.. Let's be honest, i'm a lazy bastard. 

^{Also, i'll focus on talking about their 7 ★ form, we're in this meta, but i'll put a phrase or two about their 6 ★ in each conclusions to those unfortunate enough to not have a 7 ★ tank :/}

WILHELM - Physical Tank - (Provoke/Cover)

Let's start of with, the perfect definition of a strong man, General Wilhelm! (not talking about that little cute liquid slime no)
In the 6 ★ meta, wilhelm was a Provoke tank, but then he got the ability to cover with his 7 ★ , thus becoming a real asset to every players having the chance to own him.Let's see what this man got under his belt!

• Really strong passives (enhanced)
• 50% innate Draw attack
• Really useful counters (both magical and physical) that'll give 100% AoE LB Fill rate for 1 turn
• Chance to counter attacks with single hit (good for providing LB crystals)
• Strong provoke skill with good mitigation (40% once enhanced)
• Cover skill (50-70% mitigation)
• No "chance to cover" passives (those can really be annoying when you build a tank to be a provoke one)
• Decent (60% each) ATK/MAG ST breaks (the ones that matters the most) on demand and for a long duration (5 Turns)
• Really Strong Mitigation through his LB 54% AoE - Fantastic LB, will help your team pass an hard turn (1 Turn)
• Restaures HP when guards (really useful if you can't heal this turn, this + HP regen will likely heal him almost to full)

Okay so, as you can see, this old man got a lot of tricks up to his sleeve, i highlighted the most important ones (to me) in grass.The fact that he got 50% innate draw attack is just a blessing, with the right equipment (which is usually Moogle Plushie + Wrapped Gift) he'll be able to have 100% thus, making him able to draw to him any ST physical attack without having to use an external skill. Very practical!Also able to cover the team from physical AoE's with his cover, which combined to his great stats, making it a really good cover tank. Also that LB of his really helps in tough moments, in the moments where you revived your whole party, but don't have any buff on them, or on a threshold.. Good to have!
Conclusion : Wilhelm is an AMAZING physical tank, able to be played either as draw/cover tank make him really great, but he also got lot of utility with his breaks, LB, counters. A real asset to any teams! Plus, hey, saw that 'stache!
6★wilhelm is also a really good unit, though, at this form, he only can be a provoke tank. Nontheless, he'll be really good in this role, with good stats and good LB

Awakened Rain - Magical tank (Provoke/Cover) Physical tank (Provoke)

aaah, rain, one those units i really wanted but.. Never got, even till to this day.. Let's skip himRain, one of the main, if he isn't THE main character of FFBE, tank version, let's see what he's got!

• Really strong passives! And the best is that, he didn't get his enhancements yet, so they'll get even better!
• immuned to petrify/stop
• 80% innate elemental resist to FIRE and EARTH (once LVL 120)
• Has a ST revive, can be useful
• ST Mag Break (60% for 5 turns) on demand
• Magical cover (50-70% mitigation)
• Ability to increase all party's status aliment resistances to 100% for 3 turns
• Ability to restore 5000 Flat HP to the party as well with 50MP in exchange of LB crystals

So in short, he's a beefy boi, that'll protect your party against magical AoEs really well. He also has the possibility, if equipped accordingly, to withstand ST physical attacks, as well with ST magical attacks, this is all thanks to his Provoke skill
I also really like the fact that he's got some strong elemental resists for both elements, as a tank, you like to have as many as those, because sometimes, they'll have to tank that kind of attack as well. And it makes easier for us to make them invulnerable to all elements.He's also one of the rare unit in the game, currently that can give 100% resistance to status aliments, will come really handy in some future trials (technically, this can have some uses now, to protect ribbonless unit or in the Scorn of the octopus, but i think this will become more relevant later)Some Support ability with that healing spell and revive, not bad.
Conclusion : Awesome unit, again, really good Magical tank, though he can do both, he'll shine the best by being either a coveprovoke magical tank as you'd imagine. Solid unit, solid as rock, and yet has to get his enhancements, it's scary.Too bad his LB doesn't help supporting the team with a mitigation, a heal or a barrier.
6★ Awakened Rain can be a provoke tank and a cover one (magical only for the cover, both for the provoke), He wont be the best provoker though, because his provoke skill only lasts 2 turns, against 3turns for most other tanks. Nothing wrong with his magical cover, he'll do very well this job. Really good units for new players with few gear, he's got a lot of defensive stats and has in combat 200% buffs that will help will help a lot those players.
PS : Not sure if i should have mentioned his SSJ skill because i think most people, that got good gear, wont spend time to use it. Could be wrong though, that hp regen's sweet)
​

MERCENARY RAMZA - PHYSICAL (Provoke/cover) MAGICAL (Provoke/Cover with CD)

Didn't play FFT so don't expect me to do a presentation that'll make him justice, i'm sorry!
Merc.Ramza, what an unit, occupied the bench for a long time before getting his enhancement with some GL upgradesGumi did a lot of thing wrong, but they did treat that boi correctly! He became a beast the moment he got enhanced, giving him an innate ribbon, a good provoke skill, good breaks and more STATS!
With his 7★ he got the ability to physically cover and magically as well (though it's through a CD and really not practical)Anyways, let's this more in details what this good boi got!

• Immuned to all status aliments (charm included on enhanced)
• Chance to counter attacks with single hit (good for providing LB crystals)
• 25% resist to all elements at max lvl (and enhanced)
• Some decent breaks (though they require you to use his provoke skill first to really be relevant)
• A ST revive, eusenaga and curaga. Built with Holy Hand he can get Dual White Magic, making him able to dual cast these
• ENTRUST BABY!!!!!
• Physical cover (50-60% mitigation) a bit on the low side

Merc.Ramza is less beefy than the 2 units i just talked about (Wilhelm and Awakened Rain) but has an innate ribbon and lots elemental resists to make it up for it.Since the change that STMR can now proc TMR passive, you can get beffier Merc.Ramza, that's a really great change for him, since his tmr is.. Awkward. Gives HP but no DEF/SPRSomething i should talk about is that, Merc.Ramza got 75% chances to cover an ally from ST physical attacks. This.. Can be really annoying in a 2 tanks man group setup. If you're using Ramza has cover tank and he suddendly goes protect your wilhelm that is supposed to take on the STs.. Can cause his death and so.. The death of the whole party.
Conclusion : Again, i repeat myself on these conclustion, awesome unit! I love the fact that he has an innate ribbon and has 25% to all elemental resists, for a tank, it's really really goood!His entrust make him a really good companion to unit that heavily rely on their LB, and trust me, we've got a lot of those. Not the strongest tank, passivewise, but really flexible. Overall, awesome unit!
6★ Merc.Ramza can only be a provoke tank, and need to be enhanced to do so correctly. Still, does pretty well the job still, doesn't need a ribbon type of effect which is really cool.

BASCH - PHYSICAL/MAGICAL TANK - (COVER)

Basch, or the unit that always remind that commercial ^{(wasn't this one, cant find the right one, but who cares}) about that washing machine! (WHAT AN INTRODUCTION)Bosch, uh, BASCH, is a tank that can both cover physical and magical attacks, which makes him really cool.Was one of (if not) the best tank of 6★ era, got a fine 7★ and then got enhanced, thus making him, again, really good. Let's see in details what he has!

• Great Weapon selection, can basically equip anything
• Immuned to charm (enhanced)
• Good breaks (65% each enhanced) on demand that lasts 5 turns and -W able (Can break 2 stats in one turn)
• Has both physical and magic cover (50-70% mitigation)
• Can give himself reraise and increase LB gauge (5) to all allies (except himself) in exchange of (15) LB crystals
• Good stats (once enhanced)
• 100% lightning resistance with it's TMR equipped (FUCK YOU SCORN OF THE OCTOPUS!)
• Increase resistance to breaks for certain stats (for def if you phy cover, spr if you mag cover)

What's really good with Bosch, is that, he can both cover physical and magical attacks. You got him, you wont need another aoe tank, which is awesome. Passive wise he's really not that bad once enhanced, his breaks are good, not the best ones out there but, it's good to have in the back pocket (though, the fact that you cannot break and cover on turn 1 at the same time is a bit awkward, you'll have to choose) didn't mention his CD that breaks to 70% because, i don't it's that relevant, it's a full break which is good but, only 5% more than his regular ones, idk, haven't used that skill a lot.Like the fact that he can protect himself against def/spr breaks by himself, making him more tanky if you don't got another unit that can do that.
Conclusion : Very Flexible tank, does a lots break, cover phy/mag, can support the team with various skills. (buff, heals)A really strong unit for sure.
6★ Basch is really good, because he can cover both mag/phy even with his 6★ Hey, he was one of the best 6★ tank. He'll only do that properly on this form though, for better stats, breaks, you'll need his 7★ Can make a really decent physical evade tank
^{Conclusions are getting smaller.. Y-I-K-E-S}

BERYL - MAGICAL TANK (Provoke/cover) PHYSICAL (Provoke)

Look at his exviusgamepedia page OOF!
Tank that i don't have, so if i forget to mention important skills/passives, tell me
Ahh beryl, an unit that i desperately tried to pull with the few tickets i had back then, when he got released. In the end, never ever pulled a single one of him, really sad.... :'( Huge fan of his sprite!
Uuuuh, let's cut this small chit chat and get straight to the point, Beryl is an interesting unit that, is a tank and also a magical DPS. A magical DPS that has access to 3 fairly common family chain, which are DR, Octoslash and CW!He's really a jack of all trades
So, let's check out what that lil unit can really do
​

• Immuned to paralyze, confuse and petrify and stop too
• Provoke skillS with a S (he got two, not sure if this one is worth using or not, tell me if you know)
• Light and Dark 70% resistance AoE buffs that imbues our lil Beryl of the corresponding elements ( 5turns each)
• Magical cover (50-70% mitigation)
• Access to 3 chaining familly : CW, DR and Octoslash (at first glance, the most powerful chaining skill seem to be the CW one)
• Possibility to unlock -W and even -T through 2 skills, a regular one and a CD
• Great ST full break through LB (74% all)
• chances to proc a counter once a turn that heals the party
• 30% Magic evade (might be one of the unit that'll be able to reach 100% magical evasion someday, worth mentioning)

AND MORE! Holy S**t this lil dude got a lot of things going on, so much that i barely managed to list em all!
So yeah, beryl is really an unit that has a lot of utility, not having him, i'm not sure i got everything right.I really don't know f his offensive moves are that useful, because often times, we want our tanks to survive so we guard o try to support the team with some supportive skills. I'd say it's a bit "niche" but it's definitely appreciable. That makes him (him or it????) really special and i love that!Big fan of his LB because of this ability i'm sure with this, it shouldn't be too hard to get his LB ready by turn 2, which is really cool. You can maybe use lesser breaks on 1 with a dps or support and break for real with beryl's LB on 2. Freeing a breaker slot on your team.Dude can also give some elemental resists, and heal through counter, cool, cool!
Something that i didn't notice and someone told me is that, he cannot actually have his -W or -T unlocked while tanking because that CD Remove all buffs from caster and that include the cover you'd use the turn before.. That's too bad.That means you'll have to chose, either you use him as DPS/Breaker or as a tank/breaker
Conclusion : Checking up his wiki page made me one own it, and i think this is all there is to say... (I WISH)Really cool unit, you can see that they tried to make something different with beryl, giving him bunch of stuff, i'd say it worked pretty well in the end, i see a really solid magical tank right there and fun to play in top of that!
6★ beryl still got his magical cover and chaining moves (except the CW one) so he'll make a good magical tank i'd say, he also can be a provoke tank, having 2 provoke skills.
​

DEMON RAIN - PHYSICAL TANK (Provoke/Cover)

WHO IS THAT POK.. RAIN? It's DEMON RAINDemon Rain, an unit that i never, ever, ever wanted, but got on the 2nd Halloween banner. And oh boi that i'm glad i got him. I was originally pulling for getting a dupe of the loli of the banner ( GLS ) and ended up with 2 Demon Rain and a second GLS. In the end, i got what i wanted and 2 extra rains. EAAASY PEAZY!
Anyways, rain is an awesome physical tank that also, can slap a little hard your opponents with some massive counters, if built correctly. A unit that has innate draw attacks like whilhelm, huge +Really BEEFY BOI (once enhanced) as well, which is always appreciated on a tank! Has some utility skills too, let's review this more in detail below

• 50% draw attack
• Physical cover
• Provoke skill with 50% mitigation (really good mitigation, one of the strongest for that kind of skill)
• ENTRUST BABY!
• Chances to counter.. A LOT (lets make rain the LB crystals)
• Strong passives (once enhanced)

And that's all... Hmmm.. It does seem a bit underwhelming said like that, but trust me, he's not!Demon rain is a simple unit, he has, solid stats, tanks well, got entrust, counters a lot and hard and that's it.I'd say something though, those chances to cover an ally are really a pain when you build your tank to be only your provoke tank with 100 draw attack in passives. I'd say he's not as good as is Wilhelm for that, because of that cover passive, but hey, he also got 50% innate draw attack which is already good enough.
Also let's say it again, entrust is just the BOMB! Truly one of the ability of the game, helps every kind of unit that got a decent LB, fills dead turns.
Conclusion : One of the best physical tank for me once enhanced. Does not a lot like beryl, not too fancy, but he does what's need to be done, and he does it very well. And that's what matters!
6★ Demon rain does not have a physical cover, making him able to only be a provoke tank. Though i'm sure he'll be able to do that just fine, especially once enhanced.
​

White Knight Noel - Magical Tank (Provoke/Cover) Physical (Provoke)

MY VERY FIRST 5* unit! Indeed, i started my FFBE journey on december of the 2016 year, and in my first 10+1 i got WKN (though i never played him, cuz a friend told Cecil was the GO TO tank) didn't get a dupe on the 2nd Christmas banner so.. Never really got to play him....But hey, nontheless, we're going to talk about this THICC BOI!He's arguably one of the THICCEST BOI OUTTA HERE, and THAT AIN'T NOTHING!
Alright, let's take a look at his kit!

• 30% innate draw attack (50% would have been way better, though it's better than 0%)
• HUUUGE STATS (enhanced) - I mean, really high defensive stats, remember seeing one with 26kHP and crazy good SPR and good DEF. Was blown away
• Speaking about being Blown away, WKN got magic chaining skiills, including : Tornado and Freeze.
• Provoke skill (doesn't give him 100% taunt though, only 80%???) but also buffs his DEF/MAG/SPR for 150% for 3 turns which is great and give him both physical and magical mitigations up to 50%
• 75% Ice and Wind imperils on CD
• 150% DEF/SPMAG for 3 Turns on his LB with a 40% restore MP to all (pretty neat)
• CD that heals him for (10000) restore MP (300) and enable triple cast for magic spells for 4 Turns (thus making him able to Triple Cast tornado)

Same as i said for Demon Rain, when you look at this, it doesn't seem that good. But you'd be wrong thinking that.Let's speak about his stats, he's probably one of the best (with Sieg i think) stat wise. And for a tank.. What else can you ask for??! The fact that he got access to 2 mitigations on his provoke skill is monstrously good! And they're 50% mitigations, that's right, F-I-F-T-Y On top of his natural good stats, this, makes even more a beast!He also can provide good buffs to the party through his LB, imperil for ya, encouraging Wind/Ice synergies and also, chain himself with a or multiple companions
Conclusion : S-O-L-I-D magical tank, will be able to protect your party really well! Isn't that what's tanks supposed to do? runs out of things to say in conclusions
6★ WKN will only be able to provoke, though he'll have decent stats if enhanced.
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SIEGHARD - PHYSICAL TANK (Provoke/Cover) Magical Tank (Provoke/Cover with CD)

finally.. let's talk about SIEGHARD! Probably the best tank out there, hands down!You guys asked me to do sieg, so i did. Okay let's move on Ch... Wait Wait..So yeah, sieg, a magnificent (i mean, you've him? And the flowers he's surrounded by? i mean.. come on, isn't that beautiful?) tank, that can tank pretty much in every way possible thus far!Indeed, he possess both physical cover and magical, as well as a provoke one!
He's also got amazing stats and a KILLER LB that'll talk about further right below

• 50% innate draw attack
• Amazing defensive stats!
• Immuned to confuse, petrify and charm
• Provoke skill that if used 2 turns in a row, will also unlock a physical cover that'll negate 3 attacks
• Physical cover / Magical cover
• THAT LB MAN! Mitigate damage taken (45%) for 3 turns to all allies and for only (30) THAT FREAKING LB MAAAAAN!

All of this, probably makes him the best cover tank of the game.What's really good is that, compared to Merc.Ramza that also has a magical cover on CD, Sieg's mitigation is better, and overall, sieg's way beefier, making him less likely to DIE. And you don't want to die when you're covering with a cover that you used through a CD, cuz you wont be able to re utilize it the turn after.But what's really crazy with Sieg, it's his LB! It's just too good, remember how i praised Wilhelm's? Well, Sieg's is almost as good, but lasts x3! It last 3 Turns! Giving you the time to get again his LB up, you've just gotta keep covering/provoking and you're good to go.That mitigation on your party can really do the difference between a victory and a lose. Report any players that shares a Sieg with a non maxed LB! (just kiddin' lul)
Conclusion : YES, YOU HEARD ME, PROBABLY THE BEST PHYSICAL COVER TANK! And also able to cover the magical side, and provoke. This dude does everything a tank is supposed to! And he has amazing stats, has one of the best mitigation of the game! And he's so good looking!
6★ Sieg will still be REALLY GOOD, able to "only" physically cover and provoke. His LB on 6★ is arguably better than it's 7★ counterpart, a tad less powerful but is cheaper, so easier to get! Awesome 6★unit
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CHOW - Magical Tank (Cover)

hehe, finally, let's talk about the sweetest boi, i named : CHOWAccording to the Exvius wiki, chow is a magical tank, healer and support. I mean, that's a good boi for ya!Let's see if he really can do all of this!

• Immuned to Confuse, paralyze and petrify as well as Stop
• 100% more Gils when Chow's on your party - awwwwwwww
• Chances to apply to himself a 30% mitigation though counters and cure his DEF/SPR breaks (chances to counter on physical and magical attacks)
• Has ATK/DEF buffs (100%) -W able and DEF/SPR (100%) -W able that also immune your party to stop and charm
• Possibility to unlock a -W through a CD for 4 TurnsThat CD also immune your party to any break ATK/DEF/MAG/SPR for 3 Turns
• a reraise ability onto himself only that also heals him (healing amount is random though) -W
• Magical cover (50-70%)
• AoE mitigation on LB (54% for 1 turn) like Wilhelm (really strong though short) That also heals a little bit (10%AoE) and restores A LOT of MPs (75% AoE)
• Dual White Magic with : Esunaga, Full-Life, Dispelga and Curaja

Oh boi... This unit can really fulfill 3 ROLES! Was skeptical when i read this on the wiki but, he seems able to pull it off!Chow got a lot of things going on and the best thing is that, apparently, he does everything pretty well.I really like the fact that he can provide break resistances as well as stop and charm.Usually i'd say that, having to unlock a -W is bothersome but, on chow, it's on his CD that, you'll likely use anyways (prob on turn 2, after the cover) so, it's not annoying.Once unlocked, you'll be able to buff your party or even heal your doggo while giving him reraise.His counters seems pretty good, giving 30% general mitigation as well as curing his breaks if he had any!Big fan of the healer kit too, being able to dispel all, heal at the same time is really strong. Full revive also can come in handy really quick. I also find it funny that, thanks to his -W he can gives himself reraise and then sacrifice himself to heal whole party to full. What a good boi, he'd be as far as killing himself for the sake of his friends!
Conclusion : Overall, A-W-E-S-O-M-E unit, really, really good. Like i said, chow does a lot, but he does them well!Can be your magical tank and off healer at the same time, could potentially free you a slot because of that.WISH I HAD HIM!
6★ Chow will also be able to cover too, as well as supporting the party with his buffs (enhanced) though, he wont be able to -W them. I'm sure he could get some good stats (enhanced) tooMore than a decent unit for a 6★
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LILITH - Magical Tank (Cover) Physical Tank (Cover)

Where's lilith? LILITH? You didn't talk about Lilith! No Lilith..
AT LAST, HERE WE ARE, LET'S TALK ABOUT LILITH!Again, this is an unit i don't have, so i might say some foolishness's (like i did for a lot of units) so please, correct me if i do in the comment section.
SO, Lilith, is... She's a tank that has access to both physical and magical cover. Both with regular skills, one of them isn't through a CD only like on Merc.Ramza or Sieg. Worth mentioning, she has that point in common with Basch.Lilith posses lots of cool skills that'll buff herself through many ways (barriers, mitigations, buffs etc) and she can imperil too.She's also, surprisingly a magical chainer! Yes, like Beryl! She can chain with the Kingsglaive family and the AR family! **(Her chaining skills Scales with SPR)**It seems that her counters, are part of the DR family. But if i'm not mistake, it's like Esther's counters, happens at the beggining of your turn, so, you can't really chain with those, unless you got 2 units that has the same counter has lilith (like a dupe) and proc it.. Seems really unlikely if you ask me..Let's note that she also has a -W available all the timeAnyways, let's review properly her kit now

• Immuned to Paralyze, Confuse, Petrify and Charm
• Lot of chances to counter. And her counters can heal her, restore her mps and increase everyone's LB gauge by 100% for 1 turn.
• Dark and Fire imperils
• A 100% resistance to break skill AoE that'll also cure Lilith from all debuffs and all status aliments (not -W able)
• -W abilitly available all the time (doesn't cover quite all her kit though)
• Magical and Physical cover
• Kingslaive chaining moves, -W able that also imperil either Dark or Fire for One enemy for 60%
• Can buff party's resistance to Fire and Dark to 70% for 3 Turns and also buff herself for 150% DEF/SPR while giving (2-4) LB crystals to the whole party. All of this, on 1 CD
• Can apply mitigation onto herself though CD and LB (and the mitigations are strong)
• AR chaining skill, scales with SPR, Heals her, restores MP, -W able (it has 2 elements attached to it though, it's Dark and Fire)

Holy Smokes, Lilith can a lot of things.So at first glance, i'd say that, even if she can be a physical cover tank, most of the time you'll probably use her a magical one. Because her chaining skills scales with SPR, meaning, you want her to have as much as SPR as possible in order to hit hard. But hey, if you don't need a magical tank but need an evade cover tank, Lilith can do it. A bag that comes from her event will actually be a big help for that, because it has a special effect for her (lilith only) and it's 10% physical evade ^{and 10% magical}Knowing that the only other Shield that gives 10% evade is Basch's TMR... I'd say this is pretty cool!What i noticed right away, is that, she can take care of herself alright! She has skills that'll buff her herself only, give barrier to her only, reraise to ... she's also able to cure HERSELF again from debuffs and status aliments etc etc.. I mean, that makes sense, she's a succubus after all! All of this pretty much means that, she wont need as much as support as other tanks might do. And that's good!
She has access all the time to -W and Kingslaive and AR chaining skills, making her able to be a really decent DPS as well. Doubt you'll use a lot the Kingslaive move a lot though. AR is AoE so, could also give lots of LB crystal to the party if there's multiple ennemies.
And what i like the most, is that she can give herself lots of good mitigations (to herself only, what a shame)One of her CD givers her 65% mitigations, physical and magical, yes, this is pretty fucking amazing. WKN's thickness is partially due to his mitigations (50% physical and magical) that he can maintain on himself all the time. Well, lilith can do it too, and on top of that, she can do it better, with stronger mitigations.Her LB also gives Lilith a 45% mitigation (but this one seems only general) which is pretty good already, don't get me wrong! This one lasts 2 turns. Oh and, yes, she heals and restore her mp (60%) with it too, why not right? That's really handy!
Conclusion : In short, Lilith is an extraordinary unit. Has lot of uses (imperils, magical DPS, tanks, support) and care take care of herself.Honestly, before making this thread, i'd never checked her wiki page, never been interested in that unit because i don't own her. Well, i learned today that i'm missing a really cool unit!
6★ Lilith will still be able to both cover magical and physical attacks, and that, already makes her a great 6★ unit. Still got her -W as well, making her able to chain. (only KS family though)

	Wlhelm	A.Rain	M.Ramza	Basch	Beryl	D.Rain	WKNl	Sieghard	Chow	Lilith
Provoke skill	YES	YES	YES	NO	YES (2 of them)	YES	YES	YES	NO	NO
Physical cover	YES ( 7★)	NO	YES (7★)	YES	NO	YES (7★)	NO	YES	NO	YES
Magical cover	NO	YES	YES (CD)	YES	YES	NO	YES	YES (CD)	YES	YES
ATK/MAG Breaks	YES (60% each)	YES (MAG only) (60%)	YES (relevant once enhanced)(65%)	YES ((relevant once enhanced)(65%)	YES (a bit on the low side, 50% each)	NO	NO	YES (50% full break)	NO	NO
ENTRUST	NO	NO	YES	NO	NO	YES	NO	NO	NO	NO
Mitigation AoE	YES (LB) (1 Turn only)	NO	NO	NO	YES (CD)	NO	NO	YES!!!!!!!	YES (LB)(1Turn only)	NO
HP Barriers	NO	NO	NO	NO	YES (3000) (to himself only)	NO	NO	NO	YES (CD) (2000) AoE	YES (1000) for her only
Passive* : Chance to protect one ally from..	NO	YES (30%) from magical attacks	YES (75%) from physical attacks	NO	NO	YES (55%) from physical attacks	NO	YES (50%) from physical attacks	YES (30%) from magical attacks	NO
Self Mitigation	40% on Provoke and 90% on CD for 1 Turn	30% on Provoke and 90% on CD for 1 Turn	40% on Provoke	NO	30% on Provoke and 90% on CD for 1 Turn	50% on Provoke and 80% on CD for 1 Turn	50% mag and phy on provoke - 75% on a skill and 75% again on a CD	40% on Provoke and 2 CDs with both 90% mitigation, one is for phy the other mag	NO	CD that gives 65% phy/mag 1 Turn - 45% phy/mag 2 Turns and 45% on LB for 2 Turns

The passive that gives someone chances to protect one ally from attacks can really be annoying, especially, on parties where you'll play 2 Tanks. Let's say one of your tank, is a provoke with 100% evade and the other one is a cover tank.If your provoke tank got that passive, he could potentially protect your cover tank from an AoE attack and potentially die because of that. You don't want that to happen. Usually, you don't want things you don't have control over on.

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ALRIGHT I'M GETTING HUNGRY AND A BIT TIRED FROM TYPING ALL OF THIS I'LL EDIT THIS THREAD AND ADD MORE TANKS LATER ON OR TOMORROW, WILL ALSO IMPROVE THE CHART. 

Open to any suggestions for the next tanks i'll talk about (yes, i'll talk about chow, yes, don't worry) as well as for the chart!
Hope you enjoyed reading, i sure did writing this.Pardon me for my typos and bad English in general, just a frenchie that tries to speak correctly english
See ya in the comment section!

EDIT : WKN, SIEGHARD, CHOW AND LILITH ADDED!

As of now, the last two iOS updates have both been largely focused on adding major features into the game (first with ex lovers, then with military deployments). Don’t get me wrong, I am very much loving these new features, and very much appreciate the Devs for adding them, but I feel we should next have an update that takes care of the little stuff that I feel sometimes gets left behind too. A list of features such an update could include...
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❤️ Relationship and Fertility related items...
1. 💏 — Retooling of the “make love” interaction. I would simply say this should be split into two options: “try for a baby” and “use protection.” The latter of the two could allow for male characters to have options other than vasectomy when it comes to birth control.
2. 🎁 — Alongside you being able to give family members gifts, they should also be able to randomly surprise you with gifts as a random scenario each time you age. If you get a gift you don’t like, you could possibly pawn it too.
3. 🤱 — So yes, the latest update made teenage pregnancy in the game next to impossible. While you can have parents as young as 15, you yourself can’t get pregnant until, at the very earliest, age 16 (if you’re lucky). I’d suggest two things to remedy this: one, lower the age at which you can find love to 12 (how it was in InstLife, btw). Second, lower the age at which you can “make love” to 14.
4. 🧸 — I’d love for the ability to adopt children from foreign countries.
5. 🤰 — I’ve seen this suggestion in many places in the community: the option for male same sex couples to find a surrogate willing to carry a baby for them.
6. 🚫 — In countries where abortion is illegal, it should still be possible to get one with two options: “safe” and “unsafe.” Safe could get you arrested, unsafe on the other hand could kill you.
7. 🍼 — Since there’s no interactions with your parents before age 3, I have this suggestion: the option to “cry” to them between ages 0 and 2, with there response being random based on what they think you need.
8. 📱 — The dating app should be modified so when you select a certain age range like “20-29” you don’t always end up with someone at the bottom of that age range (in the case of 20-29, age 20). Also, it would be cool to have a similar thing for just hooking up, with income selection replaced by looks.
—
🧒 Childhood and Parenthood related items...
9. 🎂 — A new scenario idea: birthday parties that your parents might decide to throw you. If you have one, you could receive gifts and/or money.
10. 🤜 — There should be a chance that a younger sibling of the opposite sex from you may ask you to defend them from a bully, as you can ask an older sibling of the opposite sex to defend you. This would add to the realism of the game.
11. 🤲 — The possibility of your parents giving you an annual allowance each time you age, depending on their wealth as well as generosity. There could also be an ability for you to give your own children a set amount in “allowances.”
12. 👼 — Alongside being able to punish your children for bad behavior, you should also have a scenario where you can reward them when they do something exceptionally good.
13. 👩‍⚕️ — Your children should have a chance of getting sick, with you having to take them to the doctor and pay for their treatment, especially if you decide not to vaccinate them.
14. 🏳️‍🌈 — Alongside your children being able to come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, there should also be a chance that they may end up coming out identifying as a different gender and get a sex change, the way that you can currently get one.
—
🗺 Country related items...
15. 💸 — Income disparity between countries should also apply to full time jobs, as it already does to part time and freelance jobs.
16. 🏥 — In countries like Canada, Denmark, Israel, the U.K, as well as others that have universal healthcare systems, it should not cost anything at the point of service to go see a doctor and get treatment.
17. 💱 — There should be more diversity with currency symbols, like with how the Eurozone uses the “€” and the UK uses “£.” Japan and China for example, which use the Yen and Yuan respectively, should have the “¥” currency symbol.
18. 🇺🇳 — Y’all had to know I’d say this, but we need some new countries added. I would say North Korea, given the high number of requests in this community and elsewhere for it, should be given top priority regarding new countries. I would also request Austria, Iceland, Laos, Mongolia, Pakistan, Slovenia, Tunisia, and Vietnam.
19. 🌃 — This is another suggestion I’ve come across often within the community: the option to move to a different city within the same country you live in.
—
✈️ Vacation related items...
20. 🏖 — New vacation destination ideas: Lake Winnipeg, Mt McKinley, Upper Peninsula Michigan, Ellis Island, Wisconsin Dells, North Pole (Alaska), Christmas Island, U.S. Presidential Libraries, Aral Sea, Burj Khalifa (UAE), Mt Fuji, Guam, Mocha (Yemen), Nuuk (Greenland), Faroe Islands, El Yunque Rainforest (Puerto Rico), and custom cities you add in.
21. 🚎 — New vacation type: road trips! Pick not one, but three destinations to visit within the country you’re living in (or adjacent countries if any). Also, pick your “class” of transport (your car, RV, etc), and choose who to take with you.
22. 🏕 — Another new vacation type: camping! Pick from a host of nearby campgrounds with random names to go to, each with a certain level of amenities, and also choose who to take with you.
23. 🛬 — If you emigrate to another country and you have family back in your home country, another vacation option should be the ability to fly back and visit. Doing so would raise relationship bars of all family members back home. Also, if a funeral occurs, you should be able to fly back for that as well.
24. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 — One more thing on vacations, I’d love if it could be possible to take more than five kids with you on vacation again.
—
👿 Crime and Jail Time related items...
25. 👺 — New crimes:
• Arson (🔥): you would have several options of places or things to burn down, like an ex’s house, a police station, a treasured monument, etc.
• Hire a Hitman (🔫): it’s murder, only done not by yourself. You’d choose who to have killed, and have several options to hire for the job. The more you pay for a hitman, the better the odds of success and not getting caught.
• Identity Theft (🔑): steal someone’s identity by successfully completing a puzzle mini game. Once you’ve done so, all their assets (houses, cars, cash) will be added to your assets.
26. ☠️ — The death penalty should be added for murder in countries where such a punishment is carried out. It would almost never be carried out the year that the sentence is handed down, so there’d be time to escape before hand.
27. ⛓ — New prison activities:
• The ability to see a doctor while in prison.
• A prison version of the “mind and body” section, with a prison library, a prison gym, and meditation.
• The ability to call family members from as a means to raise relationship bars from prison.
• Certain prison jobs, like janitor or cafeteria server.
—
🚶‍♂️ Items relating to other Activities...
28. 🦷 — We should have a range of diseases related to our teeth, like cavities, added to the game, as well as the ability to see the dentist added as part of the Doctor section to get said diseases cured.
29. 🎰 — To expand the casino, we should have a new slot machine mini game added.
30. 📜 — The will should be remade into a checklist, so that way you can choose specific people to have in and cut out of it, rather than an all, one or none option.
31. 🦅 — New pets: Eagles! (Hence the emoji), Clown fish, Blue tang fish, Jelly fish, Panda, Komodo dragon, Snails, Pigs, and Platypuses.
32. 🧠 — With certain pets, a new interaction with them should be the ability to “train” them, which would make their smarts go up every so often.
33. 🌪 — As much as I typically tend to despise non-permanent in app purchases, I understand the reasoning behind why the time machine requires a micro transaction. However, I feel like for those of us who’ve bought Bitizenship, it should be made so perhaps every amount of years lived or so we earn a free use of the time machine.
—
☯️ Miscellaneous items...
34. 📚 — The “study harder” button for school should once again raise your smarts stat bar by 4% every couple of years as it once did way back when. I’m not sure why that feature was removed as it was a wonderful feature. :)
35. 🏚 — Going back to my earlier suggestion of having true income disparity between different countries, there should also be housing options (even smaller than “tiny house”) like mud dwellings and shanty houses which are very common in low income countries. On the flip side, I’d also love houses that cost in the tens to hundreds of millions.
36. 📝 — I’d love for the ability to select a custom character’s race as well as to set what country they live and will appear in.
37. 🌆 — Two things on custom cities: one, I’d love if the character capacity on naming them could be increased so places like “Colorado Springs” can be added. Two, I’d love if the amount of spaces allowed could be increased from 1 to 2, since a lot of cities contain more than one spacing in their name, like “West_Palm_Beach” Florida for example.
38. 🌲 — I’d also love the ability to remove old legacies from the cemetery if I’ve deleted the various gravestones from within it, as well as partially deleted legacies to only show the gravestones that haven’t been deleted.
39. 💀 — Something I noticed with gravestones on the Android version is that it displays the number of spouses one had alongside lovers in general. I’d love if this could also be added to iOS.
40. 🤐 — Wording feedback: I noticed a few updates ago the “get an abortion” button when you got pregnant was changed to “don’t keep the baby.” Yes, it was only a small change, but as I’m assuming it was done to appease the “pro life” crowd, it’s a change that could lead down a slippery slope of continuously trying to pander to people who find every little thing like the word “abortion” offensive. I’d love if that change could be reverted, and further wording changes don’t occur unless necessary. At the end of the day, BitLife is a game, not Twitter.
41. 👥 — Last suggestion. This would be a super nice feature if it were added: game slots. Basically the ability to save one life and start another one, then go back to the first one later. Perhaps have two game slots for everyone, and a third one for Bitizens only.
—
So basically in general, an update that polishes over all those wonderful existing features we have. As for what I’d love to see in a future update that adds a major new concept, I’ve already done several posts in the past on those:
Running For Political Office
Friends
Scenarios Tailored to Specific Jobs
Looking forward to what’s coming next. And btw, for those who play on Android, the majority of what I listed is stuff that were it to be developed for iOS could also be added to Android at the same time. :) If you have any thoughts or suggestions please leave them below! 👇

On this post, I will focus on Sony Pictures/Columbia Pictures, the studio people want dead because they own Spider-Man and not Marvel. Besides Spider-Man, this studio is most well known for Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Men in Black, Hancock, 2012, the Daniel Craig 007 Films (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, and Spectre), and Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.
Before we start, I want to say something, and I might get downvoted for this.
People when Paramount Pictures’ 2017 slate critically and commercially flops (every single one of them was rated poorly: Monster Trucks, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, Rings, Ghost in the Shell, Baywatch, Transformers: The Last Knight, Mother!, Suburbicon, Daddy’s Home 2, and Downsizing): I hope Paramount Pictures improves as a studio. But hey, with new management, Paramount will turn things around in no time.
People when Sony Pictures’ Venom gets negative reviews from critics: FUCK YOU SONY! STOP MAKING SPIDER-MAN FILMS! PACK YOUR BAGS! SELL THE SPIDER-MAN RIGHTS TO MARVEL! GO ROT IN HELL! YOU PEOPLE ARE INCOMPETENT! Oh by the way, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse looks great, Sony. I also can’t wait for Spider-Man: Far From Home which is an MCU film (as they forget that Sony has final creative control and distributes the film). Anyways, FUCK YOU, SONY! I WISH YOUR MOVIES WOULD FLOP SO YOU CAN SELL YOUR MOVIE DIVISION! YOU CAN’T MAKE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES ANYMORE! (Screeching Intensifies)
It’s a good time to be a Spider-Man/Sony fan and a bad time to be a Sony hater. I’m not saying Paramount Pictures deserves to get blasted on, but Sony getting blasted constantly is somewhat unjustified to me. Of course, you may not like the direction the Spider-Man franchise had been going with Sony (then again Into the Spider-Verse says hi), but people are judging some films negatively because it’s a Sony film. Or some people just look at the new Spider-Man movies, Ghostbusters (2016), the Emoji Movie, and Venom’s reviews, and say that the whole studio sucks because of that. I’m sure some people have other reasons, but I don’t get how Sony is a reason why a movie is bad. It’s just a film studio. They’ve made bad movies, but so have 20th Century Fox, Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros, and Disney. They’ve made good movies too. I’ll show you some down below.
1924-1976: The Beginning and Before the 80s
In 1918, Harry Cohn, Jack Cohn, and Joe Brandt founded Cohn-Brandt-Cohn (CBC) Film Sales. In order to improve the brand name, the company was renamed to Columbia Pictures Corporation on January 10, 1924. Columbia’s films were mostly moderately budgeted comedies, sports films, serials, and cartoons. As time went on Columbia would start making high budget films and join United Artists and Universal Pictures to become the “Little Three” in the Golden Age of Hollywood. Unlike the five major film studios in the Golden Age, RKO Radio Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 20th Century Fox, Paramount Pictures, and Warner Bros Pictures, Columbia didn’t own any theaters. However, Columbia’s rise to become a major film studio was due to the ambitious director, Frank Capra, with movies like It Happened One Night, Lost Horizon, and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, which made James Stewart a star. Columbia couldn’t afford to have a large amount of contract stars to the point where they would borrow stars from other studios. MGM would send some of their stars to Columbia to punish them if they weren’t obedient. After Harry Cohn’s death in February 1958, Columbia started to decline with multiple box office failures to the point where they could possibly go bankrupt. Fortunately in 1972, the studio was saved with an drastic overhaul in management and a deal with Warner Bros to share the WB studio lot. Some Columbia hits include Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Strangelove, and Taxi Driver. Notable Columbia Pictures films: Discontented Husbands, It Happened One Night, Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Strangelove, and Taxi Driver
1977-1983: Close Encounters of the Third Kind Era
On November 1977, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a sci-fi film directed by Steven Spielberg, became a major success for Columbia Pictures and was their highest grossing film at the time (making $307M worldwide). In 1982, Columbia Pictures was bought out by Coca-Cola, the company behind the soda. Tri-Star Pictures was also created around this time, while Columbia expanded its television franchise. Major hits for the studio include Kramer vs. Kramer, The Blue Lagoon, Stripes, Stir Crazy, Tootsie, and The Big Chill. Notable Columbia Pictures films: Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Kramer vs. Kramer, Stripes, Stir Crazy, and Tootsie
Notable Columbia Pictures film that bombed: Krull
1984-1989: Ghostbusters/The Karate Kid/Rambo Era
On June 1984, two Columbia Pictures movies would be the biggest movies and the most well known films in Columbia’s library: Ghostbusters (making $295M worldwide) and The Karate Kid (making $91M in the US). Ghostbusters would receive a sequel in the form of Ghostbusters II, while The Karate Kid would become a trilogy. On the TriStar side, they had received Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III, which would be a major success for the studio. Rambo: First Blood Part II was the highest grossing Columbia/TriStar film in this era, making $300M worldwide. Other hits include Stand By Me, Look Who’s Talking, Peggy Sue Got Married, and When Harry Met Sally… This success would catch the eyes of a fellow Japanese multinational conglomerate that would buy them in 1989. Notable Columbia/Tristar Pictures films: Ghostbusters 1 and 2, The Karate Kid Trilogy, Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III, When Harry Met Sally…, and Look Who’s Talking
Notable Columbia Pictures films that bombed: Ishtar and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
1990-1996: Early Sony Era
On 1989, Sony bought Columbia Pictures for $3.4B. Did Sony buy the best studio at the time? Probably not, but I don’t know if they could’ve bought a different studio (20th Century Fox was owned by News Corporation, Warner Bros was probably too successful to be bought, and Disney would never give in to another corporation). The three studios I could see Sony buying instead of Columbia are MGM/UA, Universal, or Paramount, though I’m leaning towards Paramount more. Imagine complaining about the new Star Trek movie or Transformers movie being ruined by “Sony”. But honestly, this wasn’t a bad buy for Sony as they would keep their film division to this day. In the long term. As for short term, well, something was off. In 1994, Sony took a $2.7B write-off. It seems like it took less time for Sony to make a successful video game console (PlayStation) than it took for Sony to make Columbia Pictures an actual worthy investment. Most of the hits came from TriStar and not from Columbia Pictures with movies like Hook, Basic Instinct, Cliffhanger, Sleepless in Seattle, Philadelphia, Jumanji, and the highest grossing film for TriStar at the time, Terminator 2: Judgement Day (making $521M worldwide). On the Columbia side of things, the biggest franchise they had was probably City Slickers, but it wasn’t much compared to Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, and Rambo in the 80s. They did have some other hits like Total Recall, Flatliners, Misery, Boyz N the Hood, The Prince of Tides, A League of Their Own, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, A Few Good Men, Groundhog Day, In the Line of Fire, Bad Boys, The Cable Guy, and the highest grossing Columbia Pictures film in this era, Jerry Maguire (making $274M worldwide). Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Total Recall (1990), Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Hook, City Slickers, Basic Instinct, and Jumanji
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures film that bombed: Hudson Hawk
1997-2001: Men In Black Era
Fortunately in 1996, Amy Pascal and Chris Lee was brought in to become the president of Columbia and TriStar, respectively. On 1997, Sony Pictures was ranked as the highest grossing film studio in the US, making $1.26B with movies like The Fifth Element, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Air Force One, As Good As It Gets, and the highest grossing Sony film in this era, Men In Black (making $251M in the US and $589M Worldwide). Other hits from Sony in this era include Godzilla, The Mask of Zorro, Stepmom, Big Daddy, Stuart Little, The Patriot, Charlie’s Angels, America’s Sweethearts, and Black Hawk Down. After their success in 1997, they weren’t able to replicate their success and fell behind the other major film studios. In 2000, they were in 7th place behind every major film studio plus Dreamworks SKG, making $682M that year. In 2001, they were in 6th place behind every major film studio, making $729M that year. Fortunately for Sony, they had gotten their hands on the most iconic Marvel superhero with plans to make a live action movie of this character. And this character made a major impact on Sony Pictures. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: The Fifth Element, Men In Black, Air Force One, Stuart Little, and Charlie’s Angels
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures film that bombed: Ali and Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
2002-2007: Spider-Man Era
While Paramount’s 90th anniversary in 2002 didn’t end well, Columbia Pictures’ 78th anniversary was amazing. Not only was this year the best year since 1997, Sony was able to have the largest market share and make $1.5B in the US, surpassing 1997 with movies like Panic Room, Mr. Deeds, Men In Black II, xXx, Maid in Manhattan, and Sony’s highest grossing film at the time, Spider-Man (making $404M in the US and $822M worldwide) Spider-Man would be the highest grossing Sony film domestically until 2018. In 2004, Sony had the largest market share again and made $1.2B in the US with movies like 50 First Dates, White Chicks, The Grudge, Christmas with the Kranks, and of course, Spider-Man 2. In 2005, Sony led a consortium that purchased MGM, giving Sony the distribution rights to the James Bond franchise. In 2006, Sony would have the largest market share for the third time this era and made $1.7B in the US, surpassing 2002 with movies like The Da Vinci Code, Click, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Open Season, Casino Royale, and The Pursuit of Happyness, showing that Sony doesn’t need Men In Black or Spider-Man to make $1B in the US. This didn’t happen with the odd-numbered years, as Sony was 2nd in 2003 (making $1.2B that year), 5th place in 2005 (making $918M that year), and 4th place in 2007 (making $1.2B that year, even with the release of Spider-Man 3) Around this time, Sony were able to keep two actors around to make most of their films under Sony: Adam Sandler with Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, and Click and Will Smith with Men in Black II, Bad Boys II, Hitch, and The Pursuit of Happyness. Spider-Man was clearly the biggest franchise for Sony in this era and has been the biggest franchise for Sony since. Sony had other small franchises that were profitable like Resident Evil and Underworld. Other hits from Sony include Daddy Day Care, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, S.W.A.T., Superbad, and Spider-Man 3, which would become the highest grossing Sony film at the time, making $890M worldwide despite mixed reviews. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Spider-Man Trilogy, Men In Black II, Hitch, The Da Vinci Code, and Casino Royale
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films that bombed: Stuart Little 2, Gigli, xXx: State of the Union, Stealth, and Zoom
2008-2012: The James Bond Era
Now with the Spider-Man franchise mostly absent this era besides the Amazing Spider-Man, Sony mostly depended on Adam Sandler, Will Smith, and the James Bond franchise to be successful. I’ve noticed that other than that, Sony doesn’t heavily depend on multiple successful franchises compared to the other major film studios. They actually profited off of many original films in the previous era and this era. James Bond was still going strong with Quantum of Solace and reached to franchise and studio records with Skyfall, becoming James Bond and Sony’s highest grossing film and Sony’s only billion dollar film to this date, making $1.1B worldwide. Adam Sandler had hits with movies under Happy Madison like You Don’t Mess With Zohan, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Grown Ups, Just Go With It, and Zookeeper. Will Smith had hits with movies like Hancock, The Karate Kid (as Producer), and Men In Black 3. They were 5th in 2010 and 3rd in 2008, 2009, and 2011. The only time they had the largest market share this era was in 2012, making $1.8B in the US, surpassing 2006 with movies like The Vow, 21 Jump Street, Men In Black 3, The Amazing Spider-Man, Hotel Transylvania, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. Other hits for Sony include Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, Angels and Demons, District 9, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Zombieland, 2012, Salt, The Other Guys, The Social Network, The Green Hornet, Battle: Los Angeles, The Smurfs, Bad Teacher, Moneyball, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: 007 James Bond (Quantum of Solace and Skyfall), Hancock, 2012, The Karate Kid, The Amazing Spider-Man, and Men In Black 3
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films that bombed: Year One, The Pink Panther 2, How Do You Know, Jack and Jill, That’s My Boy, and Total Recall (2012)
2013-2016: The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony Hack/The Decline Era
After 2012, it seems like Sony was slowly declining. Sony didn’t have a stable franchise, though was still doing better than Paramount. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was supposed to set up a whole cinematic universe on Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man, but underperformed and the sequels were cancelled in favor of a deal struck with Marvel Studios to bring Spider-Man to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Spectre did well as a James Bond film, but was the last James Bond film Sony would be able to distribute. Adam Sandler and Will Smith movies weren’t doing as well as before and pretty much stopped making films for Sony at the end of this era. Ghostbusters was rebooted, but infamously underperformed. They were 4th in 2013 and 2014 and 5th in 2015 and 2016 (making slightly less than $1B in the US), just above Paramount Pictures. Some other hits are This is the End, Grown Ups 2, Elysium, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Captain Phillips, American Hustle, 22 Jump Street, The Equalizer, Hotel Transylvania 2, The Angry Birds Movie, Sausage Party, Don’t Breathe, The Magnificent Seven, and Passengers. In late 2016, Sony took a $962M write down, with rumors starting that Sony would sell off their movie division sometime in 2017 if their 2017 lineup didn’t do so well. This most likely wasn’t true, and 2017 fortunately proves the studio’s worth. Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Captain Phillips, American Hustle, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, 22 Jump Street, Hotel Transylvania 2, and Spectre
Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films that bombed: After Earth, White House Down, Aloha, Pixels, Grimsby, and Ghostbusters (2016)
2017-Present: Spider-Man/Jumanji Era (Comeback Era?)
In the first half of 2017, it wasn’t looking too good for Sony. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter did fine, especially in China. Life and Rough Night were only modest successes for the studio. Smurfs: The Lost Village was an attempt to reboot the Smurfs but underperformed, making slightly less than $200M. However, things started to turn around with three summer movies: Baby Driver, Spider-Man: Homecoming, and the Emoji Movie. Baby Driver was a surprise success for Sony and for director Edgar Wright. Spider-Man was shared between Marvel and Sony, which led to everyone wanting to see Spider-Man’s first solo film (+Iron Man) with Marvel Studios, making $880M worldwide, just $10M behind Spider-Man 3. The Emoji Movie was made fun of by everyone, even though enough people went to make this film $218M worldwide. The Dark Tower did alright, but probably not enough to warrant a sequel. It seems like Sony did alright, but then December 2017 came. Sony decided to release Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle near Star Wars: The Last Jedi as counter programming (what a moron, am I right? /s). With the movie having a surprisingly strong word of mouth, it topped Star Wars: The Last Jedi in the first few weeks of 2018. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle would later go on to make $405M in the US, surpassing Spider-Man to be the highest grossing Sony film in the US and would make $962M worldwide, just a notch below $1B. I had a feeling that $405M made in the US was what Sony was expecting the movie to make worldwide. In 2018, Sony’s success continued on with hits like Peter Rabbit, Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, The Equalizer 2, and the biggest surprise of 2018 for Sony that isn’t Jumanji, Venom, making at least $212M in the US and at least $823M worldwide. Sony was also able to keep the budgets low and have low budget films like Sicario: Day of the Soldado, Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween, and Searching make a decent amount of profit. It may seem like Sony is making a comeback, especially with Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse being well received and being at least moderately successful (though only time will tell). Notable Sony/Columbia Pictures films: Baby Driver, Spider-Man Homecoming (and Into the Spider-Verse), Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, and Venom
2019 is next year, and it’s time to look at what Sony has in-store for everyone next year. I’ll try to keep it short (with a basic description of each one if necessary and how well it might do). The numbers I have won’t be accurate, so take it with a grain of salt.
Escape Room - it’s a psychological thriller film directed by Adam Robitel. If it has a low budget, I think this could be moderately successful while adapting the escape room idea into film. I’d say $50M Domestic and $70M Worldwide.
A Dog’s Way Home - it’s a family drama film directed by Charles Martin Smith. I don’t get how A Dog’s Purpose is at Universal while this movie is at Sony. Did Universal not buy the rights to every single A Dog book or what? This will probably make less than A Dog’s Purpose with $50M Domestic and $180M Worldwide. But at least it comes out before A Dog’s Journey, another movie based on the A Dog franchise. A Dog’s Way Home will probably make more than A Dog’s Journey based on this movie coming first.
Miss Bala - it’s an American-Mexican action thriller directed by Catherine Hardwicke and is a remake of the 2011 Mexican film of the same name. I don’t know what to compare this too. There isn’t any numbers on how much the original did either, so I have to make guesses. I’d say $50M Domestic and $100M Worldwide.
Greyhound - it’s a war film directed by Aaron Schneider and starring Tom Hanks in another World War II movie. No footage has been released, but it could make $100M Domestic and $300M Worldwide with the right marketing and a good movie like Saving Private Ryan.
The Intruder - it’s a psychological thriller directed by Deon Taylor. This could do almost as well as Don’t Breathe, but I still don’t get why the former owner of the mansion sold his house (if you see the trailer). $70M Domestic and $100M Worldwide.
The Rosie Project - it’s a film directed by Ben Taylor. Not much is known unless you read the book. Besides Crazy Rich Asians, there hasn’t been much romantic comedies. I guess this can be compared with Overboard (2018), meaning this movie could do $50M Domestic and $70M Worldwide
BrightBurn - it’s a horror film directed by David Yarovesky with James Gunn producing the film. This could break out, even in the late May slot. Then again, not much is known about this film. Maybe $80M Domestic and $120M Worldwide?
Men In Black International - it’s a science fiction action comedy film directed by F. Gary Gray and is a spinoff of the Men in Black trilogy. What makes this a spinoff is that this is a London based team instead of New York. And hey, Chris Hemsworth is another Sony franchise that Sony is trying to make relevant. But I think it could succeed this time, unlike Ghostbusters (2016). I could see this doing at least $160M Domestic, though it could go as high as $240M Domestic with a strong word of mouth, similar to how well Jumanji unexpectedly did. As for Worldwide, I’d say $450M, but it could go as high as $600M.
Grudge - it’s a supernatural psychological horror film directed by Nicolas Pesce and is a remake of The Grudge (2004) which was also a remake based on a Japanese horror film. It probably won’t be as successful as the 2004 remake as this 2019 remake is a similar premise and no one is really demanding it. I could see this doing $100M domestic and $160M worldwide at most.
Spider-Man: Far From Home - it’s a superhero film directed by Jon Watts and is part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I could see this going two ways. One way is that this will make $900M and the domestic total will drop from Homecoming (maybe $320M). However, this could possibly be the second Sony film after Skyfall to gross $1B. The only two obstacles are The Lion King movie which comes out two weeks later (it’s like Disney is trying to prevent Sony from being a major competitor for Disney in the movie industry like how Universal and Warner Bros currently are to Disney while Fox is taken care of and Paramount is trying to pick themselves up) and the plot is pretty much Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation.
Wish Dragon - it’s a 3D computer-animated film from Sony Pictures Animation. Not much is known about this film besides Jackie Chan being involved and it having a Chinese theme. It’s set to release on the same day as Once Upon A Time in Hollywood, but I have a feeling it could be moved to late 2019 or even 2020. Maybe this could make $80M Domestic and $200M Worldwide? I don’t know. I need more footage.
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood - it’s a mystery crime film directed by Quentin Tarantino. I could see this being similar in success to Inglourious Basterds or Django Unchained as this film seems like a wider release with a lot more marketing compared to The Hateful Eight. I could see this doing $150M Domestic and $400M Worldwide at most.
The Angry Birds Movie 2 - it’s a 3D computer-animated action comedy film from Rovio Animation and is the sequel to The Angry Birds Movie. Reception to the first one has been mixed, so I think it could go as low as $90M Domestic and $300M worldwide, or it could go as high as $120M Domestic and $400M worldwide.
Zombieland Too - it’s a post-apocalyptic zombie comedy film directed by Ruben Fleischer and is the sequel to Zombieland. This will be another franchise Ruben Fleischer is working on with Sony besides Venom. I could see this making more than the first one with a $90M Domestic and $120M Worldwide.
You Are My Friend - it’s a drama film directed by Marielle Heller. Not much is known besides the fact that it’s about a journalist who runs into Fred Rogers and has his life changed. Unlike Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, another film about Fred Rogers, this film has Tom Hanks portraying Fred Rogers. With a wide release (if it does get one), I could see this making $40M Domestic.
Charlie’s Angels (2019) - it’s an action comedy film directed by Elizabeth Banks and is a reboot of the Charlie’s Angels franchise. If this film goes the Ghostbusters 2016 route, I could only see this make $70M Domestic and $120M Worldwide. If not (hopefully), I could see this making as much as $140M Domestic and $260M Worldwide.
Masters of the Universe - it’s a He-Man film directed by Aaron and Adam Nee. It’s supposed to come out the same day as Jumanji 3, but I think it could be moved to 2020 (but I’ll still analyze anyways). This is a wildcard and a gamble for Sony. It could go both ways, but I think I need more footage to fully judge. $40M Domestic, $90M Worldwide?
Jumanji 3 - it’s a fantasy adventure comedy film directed by Jake Kasdan and is the sequel to Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, and the movie that made Disney move Jungle Cruise to July 2020. Like Spider-Man: Far From Home, it could go both ways. It could drop from the second, especially if Star Wars: Episode IX gets people to care about Star Wars, by making as much as $380M Domestic and $800M Worldwide. It will still do well as counter-programming, but maybe not as well as Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. Another way this could take is that everyone lost hope in Star Wars: Episode IX, and the people who didn’t see Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi and hated it will go see Jumanji 3 instead. It’s possible that Jumanji 3 could be the second after Skyfall or the third after Skyfall and Spider-Man: Far From Home to cross $1B worldwide as a Sony film. This movie could also get a sequel boost with this making as much as $420M domestic, possibly becoming Sony’s highest grossing film domestically and passing Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. I’d say it could go down domestically, but it has the potential to reach $1B worldwide.
Little Women - it’s a drama film directed by Greta Gerwig and is based on the book of the same name. Columbia Pictures did a film based on Little Women back in 1994 and that was a success. I’d say it could go up from here. I’d say $60M Domestic and $80M Worldwide.
Thoughts on the 2019 Slate: Besides not having Ghostbusters, Robert Langdon, or The Karate Kid on their side this year (Well, there’s Cobra Kai, I guess), I think Sony is going all out next year. This is probably one of the best lineups for 2019. There’s Angry Birds, Men in Black, Jumanji, Charlie’s Angels, and Spider-Man on the same year, along with possible smaller hits like Grudge and Little Women. They won’t be going against Paramount anymore, they can now go against Universal, Warner Bros, and possibly Disney.
The Future: Regardless of what happens, I’m sure Columbia Pictures will live to see its 100th anniversary in 2024. Sony Pictures Animation will stay strong with a Peter Rabbit sequel, a Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse sequel, and a spinoff (though I don’t expect the Into the Spider-Verse movies to come out until 2021). Other upcoming Sony Pictures Animation films are The Mitchells vs. the Machines and Vivo. With the success of Venom, the Sony’s Universe of Marvel Characters will continue in 2020 with possibly Morbius and Venom 2. Even with the success of Venom, I doubt Sony would pull Spider-Man out of the biggest franchise ever after Far From Home. Bad Boys is coming back as Bad Boys for Life. Sony is getting more superheroes, this time from Valiant Comics starting with Bloodshot. Sony could start new franchises from video game adaptations like Watch Dogs and Uncharted (with Tom Holland as a young Nathan Drake). It seems like Sony is making a comeback, whether you like it or not.